He looked up at her with dark eyes.
‘You’re everything to me.’
He frowned. ‘Don’t you know how I feel about you?’
She kissed him because she didn’t want to hear it. Itwould make tomorrow so much harder if he declared his love for her.
She moved against him faster and that feeling spread throughout her body. She felt his body tighten beneath hers and then they were both soaring. She held him tight, his face pressed against her neck so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Immy zipped up the last bag of her stuff as Xander watched her from the doorway. Etta was downstairs in the shop with Max for a few minutes so Xander could help Immy back across the street to her flat.
‘I hate this,’ Xander said.
‘I do too,’ Immy said, trying not to let her voice wobble. ‘That’s everything – I’m ready to go.’
He grabbed her bags and she followed him as he walked downstairs, across the street and up the stairs to her flat. She’d already taken Jacob over a short while before. She’d decided to stay at hers and just light some candles tonight. She had so much she needed to do to get the shop ready for the Easter egg hunt the next day, so it made sense to be here.
Xander placed the bags down in the lounge and she took a deep breath, summoning courage for what she was about to say.
‘We need to end this,’ Immy said, her heart breaking.
He looked stunned, he clearly hadn’t been expecting that at all. ‘What? This is just a little break for a few days, not the end.’
‘Etta needs you, now more than ever, and I’m just getting in the way of that. She didn’t run away last night because she found out you weren’t her dad, she’s had eighteen months to get used to that idea and she never ran away before. She ran because she’s scared that you’ll love me and your baby more than her. That’s my fault and I can’t let that happen again. Reassuring her and telling her that you love her and will always love her aren’t enough. You’ve been pretty consistent saying that to her since you’ve told her about the baby and she still ran. She needs to see it, to know she is one hundred percent your priority, and the only way you can do that is if I’m not there.’
‘No, no, no. Are you serious? We just need a few days’ break for her to calm down then we can start again, slower this time, like we should have done. Stay over one night a week then slowly build up to two nights, then three until she’s used to you being around.’
Immy shook her head. ‘No, she’s feeling pushed out. She’s scared she’s going to lose you. And if she’s feeling like that now, how is she going to feel when the baby’s here?’
‘I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’re talking about her abandonment issues and yet here you are abandoning her at the first hurdle.’
She took a step back, feeling like he’d slapped her. ‘I’m doing this for her, for you. I’m doing this because I love you.’
Xander shook his head. ‘No, this isn’t love, not even close. If it was love you’d stay and fight for us, leaving wouldn’t even be on your radar. This isn’t about her, this is about you. You’re so scared of feeling in the way or a burden that you’re running away now rather than face our troubles together. You’ve been hurt and let down in the past and now you’re too scared to let someone in.’
‘This has nothing to do with that, this is what Etta wants. It broke my heart that I’m the reason she ran away. I don’t want her to feel unloved because of me. None of this is your fault, you were managing just fine before I came along. But she has to learn to trust you again and she can’t do that when I’m there and you’re giving some of your attention to me. Your life would be so much easier if I wasn’t in it.’
‘This is my point. How can you say it has nothing to do with your past and then say the very reason you broke up with your ex? And I don’t want an easy life, I want you.’
She wrinkled her nose. That sounded like a backhanded compliment. ‘And those two don’t go hand in hand.’
‘Christ, relationships are not supposed to be all sunshine and roses. The ones that are worth fighting for are worth all the blood, sweat and tears because being together is the only thing that matters.’
‘How would you know what a real relationship lookslike? The only long-term relationship you’ve had was with a woman that loved you so much she cheated on you every single day of your marriage.’
‘And your last long-term relationship was with a man that made you feel weak and worthless. If that’s your basis for comparison for what love is then we probably should end it, as you’re not going to get that from me.’
Immy looked away angrily. How was she the bad guy in this? This was killing her but she was trying to do the right thing for Etta.
‘You know what, you’re right,’ Xander said. ‘I’m clearly bad at this love thing as I’m with a woman who claims to love me and yet she can’t get away from me fast enough.’
‘Do you think I want this? I want to be with you forever. I want to get married to you and raise our family together. I love you so damn much, but I can’t do this to Etta. Listening to her sob her little heart out last night because of me absolutely broke me.’ Her voice caught, tears forming in her eyes. ‘You said being together is the only thing that matters but she matters more.’
His face softened and he moved towards her but she took a step back. ‘You need to go.’
She needed him gone before she fell apart.
