‘You’re looking very pretty,’ Xander said.
‘I am?’
‘Yes, I love what Immy has done to your eyes. Shall we put some lipstick on as well?’
‘Will you wear lipstick too?’
‘Of course, do you want to pick out a colour for me,’ Xander said, without missing a beat.
Immy smiled. He was so patient and kind to Etta, always knowing exactly the right thing to say to her. He was such a wonderful dad and as she watched Etta giggle at putting lipstick on him, Immy felt another little piece of her heart fill for him.
‘I’m so sorry about the whole house-move thing,’ Immy said as she helped Xander load the dishwasher after dinner. Etta was upstairs playing in her room.
‘Please don’t apologise. You were just being practical. If we stay together, we will have to move at some point and I like that you’re thinking about our future.’
‘But I shouldn’t have said anything to Etta, not yet. I don’t want her to feel anxious about anything. I think she’s already worried about the baby coming and feeling pushed out and all these changes, and then I make it worse with an announcement that we’re moving house too. It’s so early in our relationship to be thinking of stuff like that.’
‘Did she say she’s worried?’
‘She was asking me all these questions about where I would sleep and where the baby would sleep if we did decide to be together. When I told her that the baby would be sleeping in our room to start with she was a bit sad that me, you and the baby would be in our bedroom and she’d be upstairs alone.’
‘She actually said that?’
Immy nodded. ‘I told her that she can always come in our bed for cuddles but it’s safe to say she’s feeling a little bit insecure about the whole thing.’
Xander swore. ‘I’ll talk to her.’
‘I’m so sorry about all of this.’
He frowned. ‘Why are you sorry?’
‘Because I feel like I’m ruining everything for you. You’ve clearly worked so hard on making Etta feel settled and loved again after Brook’s horrible departure and I’ve come in here with a new baby on the way and it’s making her feel confused and upset again. I don’t want to be a burden.’
He scowled. ‘Why would you say that? You’re not ruining anything. Even if Brook hadn’t left the way that she had, saying those things, or even if me and Brook were very happily married and she was expecting a baby, Etta would still feel unsettled by that, just like any older child would be when a younger sibling is on the way. She will soon get used to the idea and when the baby comes we’ll just have to make sure she feels involved. I know this is a slightly more sensitive issue for her because I might not be her dad and she knows that, but it probably isn’t that different to any other child facing change. But I’m concerned that you feel the need to apologise for all this. Has someone made you feel that you’re a burden before?’
Immy blinked. She had a sudden flashback to her ex-boyfriend Zac who’d rolled his eyes every time she needed help doing up her buttons or tying her shoelacesor remembering how to clean her teeth after her accident. He used to get so frustrated with her that she hated asking him to do anything for her. Had he really had that much of an effect on her that she still felt the need to apologise so much all these years later?
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ Xander said.
‘My ex-boyfriend, Zac. I’d been going out with him for six months when I had the accident. He just couldn’t accept that I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks when physically I looked fine. He used to get so annoyed with me when I’d ask him to help me with my shirt buttons or any other tiny task that was suddenly beyond my capability. I’d ended up prefacing any request with an apology: “Sorry, could you help me with my shoes? Sorry, could you tie my hair in a ponytail?” And then I’d apologise profusely as he was doing it. We were pretty much living together at this point but he started spending more and more time at his home so he wouldn’t have to deal with it and I was left alone. I just couldn’t cope on my own. I felt so useless. He said it was like looking after a child, which at least gave me an insight into how he would be as a dad. I broke up with him after six weeks because I hated how he made me feel so needy and pathetic. When I broke up with him he made me feel like it was entirely my fault that he treated me that way. It took me a long time to realise he was the asshole in that situation.’
‘No kidding. What happened to “For better and worse, in sickness and in health”? I know you weren’tmarried but if you love someone helping them isn’t a burden, you’re happy to do it.’
‘Yeah, that’s how it should have been. We’d always been so good together but he clearly wasn’t the kind of man that takes the rough with the smooth. But his attitude made me so fiercely independent. That’s why I fought so hard to be able to do those things by myself as I never wanted to rely on anyone else or be an inconvenience or a burden to anyone. Alex never made me feel that way, she was beyond patient, but I think the damage had already been done with Zac. I cried so much during those first six weeks, which is totally normal when you have brain trauma. Being unable to regulate your emotions is very common and everything sets you off: an advert, a song, running out of Mini Eggs, not being able to tie my shoelaces. And he used to get so annoyed with the tears too. I used to go off and cry on my own so he wouldn’t see me. I felt so weak and useless and he made me feel so much worse. I felt like such a hindrance to him, a thorn in his side.’
‘He sounds like an utter cockwomble.’
‘Yeah, he was.’
‘What sort of person behaves like that when anyone needs help, let alone someone you love.’
‘You’re right. But after Zac, I was always so independent in everything, always preferring to do something on my own without relying on others or asking for help.’
‘Like raising a baby?’
‘I could do that on my own.’
‘I have absolutely no doubt that you could, but I don’t want you to. I want to be there to help in every way I can, and not because I have a duty or an obligation to this baby, but because I want to be a dad, because I love this baby and I haven’t even met him yet.’
