‘I’m going to write my list now,’ Etta said. She scrambled off the sofa and ran upstairs.
Xander let out a breath. ‘Well, I wasn’t expecting those kinds of questions. I’m sorry she asked if the baby was really mine.’
‘No, don’t be. She’s bound to compare the baby to herself. She’s thinking that she might not have been created by your seed so maybe the baby might not be either. It’s still so confusing for her that she might or might not be yours. She doesn’t understand sex or affairs. She doesn’t understand how she was yours and now she might not be. All she understands is that a year and half ago she had a mummy and daddy and now she might have lost both and that’s so much for her to take in.’
‘She hasn’t lost me, she never will.’
‘I know that but she is still trying to come to terms with how to define your relationship. In her heart she knows you love her and that will never change but I think she’s still struggling with the dad-not-dad thing.’
He sighed. ‘I didn’t want to get a paternity test, at least not yet. Because I figured she wasn’t ready to hear a definitive result and because, while she doesn’t know, she can still believe I’m really her dad or at least hope for it. If we have a test and it’s negative then all hope is gone and nothing will ever bring that back.’
‘No, I agree. I think you’re doing the right thing, she’s too young to fully understand it, and her heart is still healing from the repercussions her mum left behind. And while you’ve never given Etta any reason todoubt you, her mum did. She left, so in her mind you might too. And I worry that the baby might make her feel more vulnerable.’
‘I don’t want her to feel pushed out,’ Xander said.
‘No, I don’t want that either, that’s the last thing I want. And I don’t know if our relationship is going to make her feel more secure or less. It’s a big change for her, she’s had you all to herself over the last year and a half and now she has to share you with me and eventually a baby. She might not like it.’
‘Although if things go well with us and we move in together, get married, that might make her feel more secure as we’d be a proper family,’ he said.
‘It might. It might not. I don’t know what the answer is.’
He shook his head angrily. ‘I hate what Brook did to her. I wish more than anything that she had just left. But she broke Etta and she damaged our relationship with each other and there is nothing I can do to take that back. I can ply her with love and affection but there will always be a tiny part of her that will doubt me.’
‘Not always. In time she will know she can trust you, I just think it will take some time to get past this.’
He nodded sadly.
‘And I’m sorry if our baby makes it harder for the two of you. I never wanted this. I mean, I’ve always wanted a family and there is no way in hell I’d ever give this baby up but I never meant to bring you so much stress and worry.’ She swallowed a lump in her throat. ‘I stand by what I originally said. I can raise this babyalone and you can have as much or as little as you want to do with him or her.’
Tears pricked her eyes at the thought of walking away from him. She’d had a taste of what a life with him would look like and she wanted that future more than anything. But she didn’t want to hurt Etta or do anything to make her relationship with her dad even more strained.
‘Absolutely not. I’m happy you’re pregnant – no, I’m delighted. And partly because I’m so excited about being a dad again but mainly because it brought us back together. I was an idiot for pushing you away but now I have you back, I never want to let you go. I want this to work more than anything. And let’s not forget there are hundreds or thousands of parents with children who have another baby that the older child isn’t happy about. Etta’s is more of a unique case but we just have to do the best we can to make her comfortable and happy with it.’
‘OK,’ Immy said, in relief.
‘I’ve thought of a boy’s name,’ Etta yelled downstairs. ‘Potato!’
Xander snorted. ‘That’s the name of her goldfish.’
Immy laughed. ‘I love your daughter but I’m not calling our son Potato.’
‘It could be a middle name,’ Xander teased.
‘Not going to happen.’
‘A second middle name.’
She shook her head.
He stood up and offered out a hand. ‘Why don’t we go and help her with that list.’
Immy smiled and took his hand and followed him upstairs.
Immy chewed her lip nervously as Xander dialled Quinn’s number. She had no idea what Alex’s number was, it was saved in her phone and that was still sitting in her flat. She was sitting in Xander’s bedroom while Etta got all the ingredients ready to make some cakes in the kitchen.
‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?’ Xander said.
‘No, I think it’s best if I tell her alone. Go and help Etta with her fairy cakes.’
