“You used to be magic.”
He nods. “We’re all looking out for you, Annie, but it might be out of our hands.”
I have so many thoughts and things to say but I still haven’t made sense of them all and honestly, if I’m wavering, my brother isn’t the person to help me work through this rationally. That’s why I haven’t told him before now…
“I already know.”
“Already know what?”
I exhale heavily, bracing myself. “Auston told me it was true on Sunday.”
“S— Sunday?”
“Eyes on the road, Colton. And yes, Sunday. Before I left Dallas.”
“You spoke to him?”
“No. I asked by message and he told me it was true. Then he went out to play a game and every time I’ve tried to call him since, he hasn’t picked up.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you hate him and I already knew how you’d react. Auston is doing what he’s good at – dropping a bombshell, then disappearing. Leaving me with absolutely no idea what he wants from me or Nelson.”
It’s his superpower. Confusion. And I’m coming to appreciate that it’s part of his hold over me. It’s how he traps me.
Tanner was right. No one should feel trapped into a relationship.
I didn’t trap Auston. He trapped me.
36
ANNIE – EARLY NOVEMBER
Small
I watch the game against LA with Daddy at home on the ranch, mostly staring at the screen without truly processing what’s happening beyond Tanner having a dire game. This is the first time I’ve sat down without the respite families or Nelson this weekend and in not focusing on something else, my mind is finally wandering to the bombs dropped on me last week – first by the media, then the man himselfby text, then my brother.
Auston wants to play for the Bears. An hour away from the ranch. Me. Nelson.
I have no idea what that means or how I’m supposed to interpret it. I have no idea because Auston hasn’t replied to my messages, let alone called to speak with me like a man.
Every quiet hour is reminiscent of old times between us. The way he’d want me incessantly when he was here, always sneaking touches, messaging me to meet him in secret. Then he’d go back to college and… silence. When he started playing for the Archers, he’d visit the ranch for weeks at a time in the off-season, take his fill. Then he’d be gone for months and I’d convince myself it wasn’t me but his training schedule.
I felt small.
Ifeelsmall now.
Every time the screen switches from the Bears game to the Archers, Auston is having his best performance of the season, ironically. The Archers are up by fourteen and it seems to me Auston is fighting to show his club and their home crowd how much he wants to stay in St Louis.
“Annie, for the love of all things mighty, would you stop biting those nails before you draw blood?” Daddy asks, again.
“Sorry. It’s just— Daddy, what am I supposed to make of all this?”
He’s sitting in his leather chair, with its dipped seat and worn-out back from years of watching sport in it and refusing to replace it. He keeps his eyes on the television but holds up a wagging finger, which makes Bear bark – boy’s got my back.
“Come here, Bear,” I say, and I slip down to the rug where the dog lies across my lap. I’m instantly soothed by his soft fur under my fingertips.
“You told me to keep my opinions to myself and give you the headspace you need to figure this out on your own,” Daddy says. “That’s what I intend to do.” Finally, he looks at me. “Unless you want my opinion because believe me, darlin’, I’ve rehearsed it enough times.”
