A shiver travels down my spine. “That would be lovely, thank you.”
His breathy chuckle in my ear sends another thrill through me, and I’m fully aware of how late it’s getting by how much more my other half is stirring, making me restless. “Don’t think of it as inhabiting the same body,” he coaches. “Think of it as the two of you working in tandem to keep yourself and your family alive. You’re not at war with each other, you’re on the same side and share a common goal. Sure, there’s some give or take with the power dynamic at times, but you need to remember that this isyourbody. And while alphas can go power hungry and be volatile at times, inherently, we aren’t assholes. We want to protect the people important to us by any means necessary, even if it kills us.That’swhat you need to be cautious of. Not the split personality, not her trying to take over your body; the fact that she will encourage you to ignore everything you need in favor of attempting to take care of everyone else. And the resounding guilt when you do anything for yourself.”
When he puts it like that, it actually makes sense. She takes point on the things that I’m not equipped to handle, and I do... something.What exactly do I bring to the table?
Nope, not playing that game today. I’m too fucking tired, and it looks like tonight is shaping up to be another long night. I’m amazing, and delightful enough company to warrant men fighting over my magical, wolf-possessed vagina. I’m not going to sit here and doubt myself when I snagged four hot as fuck husbands, and a boyfriend.
All of their concerned gazes burn into me as we process Slade’s statement. While I’m sure the three of them appreciate everything their oldest sibling does for them, I’m not sure if they’ve ever considered that his relationship with his other half could be different from what they struggle with day to day. Add in the fact that even with my wolf apparently on death’s doorstep the majority of my life, I was prone to those same personality traits, as clearly demonstrated the day I met Emmy. Then, that they needed to keep me from starving to death during my emotional shut down not too long ago? I’m a bit nervous, to say the least. Yet, putting it in a different perspective...
She exacerbates my own flaws, enhancing and exploiting what’s already there rather than turn me into an entirely different person. Whether that makes me better or worse, all she’s doing is making me a more intense version of the person I already know inside and out.
I keep people at a distance, but the people I love, I go all in. I can’t stand being a burden, and I can quite literally be at risk of starving to death once I have my mind set on fixing a problem. But where those things caused an emotional disconnect from everyone in my life before meeting the Hawthornes, now everything’s so intense that it makes my head spin. I feelalivefor the first time in my life, and my evil alter ego can’t really be all that evil if she just wants to take the dulled version of myself and spit-shine it up a bit.
Like Slade accepted Damian so easily, how can I hate someone that only wants to protect the people that I love, and love them too?
“So, I suppose the real question is... when the hell do we sleep?” They all turn to me as I shrug in genuine curiosity. “Human Sabrina has shit to do during the day, but Sabrina 2.0 apparently likes getting gangbanged in the woods in the middle of the night. I’m used to hyper-focusing on tasks for a few days, but no amount of caffeine is going to let me keep up this pace indefinitely. Someone has to give, so as I pull you all to the dark side, I suppose we should vote on if we’re opting for a nocturnal lifestyle now?”
They burst out laughing until there are tears in their eyes and palms are slapping the table. It’s contagious, and soon, I’m gasping for breath right alongside them, even if I’m not entirely sure of what’s so funny and I’m simply slap happy from being overtired. They’re just soopenfor once, so entirely carefree, that it’s impossible not to feed off of their energy.
“Happy-” a gasp “- medium, babe,” Bo manages, and my grin splits my face as he clutches his ribs, wheezing. “But if I had to pick, I vote nocturnal.”
“Work or gangbangs, not exactly much of a choice if you ask us.” Cin tumbles out of his chair with a red face, but I can’t bring myself to be embarrassed, even if they’re laughing at my expense. Seeing them like this? So lighthearted? It’s amazing, and I make a mental note promising myself that I’ll have this again, if only once, because it feels pretty damn amazing.
“Keep laughing, but as soon as Reid and I are done with this project, you’ll understand. Without a sleep schedule, we’re going to become such bitchy pains in your asses that you’re going towishyou enforced our bedtime.”
They lose it, howling with laughter, and I follow right behind them. It’s cathartic in the best of ways; laughing away all of the unknowns, the pain and anxiety, until the only things left are aching sides and cheeks. As our chuckles taper off, it helps put things into a better perspective.
We don’t have to have all of the answers, only the desire to find them.
Between our dying laughter, Slade asks, “Anyone else have anything they want to bring to the table for consideration?”
We look between one another, but nobody raises their hand or speaks up. Sucking down air, I get to my feet, seeking out my bag, but Bo already has it slung over his shoulder. Shooting him a grateful smile, we file out of the room. Come home, we’ll deal with one problem at a time. Whoever ends up shifting, who’s overtired as fuck and on the point of collapse, and anything else. We’ll handle it together, one step at a time.
“Yeah, actually.” Reid’s voice is barely audible, and we all shut the hell up in the face of it, catching onto his anxiety instantly. He meets my eye with determination before rushing out, “I don’t want you to claim me, even accidentally, so I don’t think we should put ourselves in that position anymore.”
If he slapped me in the face it would have hurt less. Instead, I swallow down the knee-jerk reaction to flinch, looking at things from not only his point of view, but also mine. This isn’t a surprise by any means, and I shouldn’t treat it as such. He’s made no effort to hide his objections and worries, and I’m completely on board with them. I don’t want Reid to go through what the rest of them have, and neither does my other half. We love and respect him too much for that.
Yet I can’t stop the feeling of rejection that steals the air from my lungs, even if I know that it’s not what this actually is.
“Deal,” I croak, my voice rough. “I’d never want to do that to you.”
I can feel Slade’s eyes on me, but can’t bring myself to meet them, Reid’s either. It’s not really a breakup, but it sure as hell feels like one. After all, Damian’s proof that I don’t need to bite someone to claim them. It’s safer this way, to cut ties before I sink any deeper.
Doesn’t make it hurt any less no matter how much I try to rationalize it away, though.
“Sabrina,” Reid starts, and I steel my spine, facing him head on; no shrugging him off or running away. We’re adults, so whatever he has to say, he can say it to my face, and I can endure it. I’m not going to guilt him into reconsidering, but I’m not about to let him out of this completely scott-free when I’m hurting so much, either. “I just need some time to come to terms with things and reassess. I was already struggling when I thought it was only a wolf, not a... whatever those things are.”
Plastering a smile on my face that’s transparent as hell, I shoot him a thumbs up. “I get it. You didn’t see me shifting last night either, so I genuinely mean that. This entire situation is pretty fucked up, so no hard feelings.” At the risk of sounding pathetic, I hike up my big girl panties and ask, “Does that mean severing ties completely, or keeping things platonic, only eliminating the sexual aspect? Because I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss simply sleeping together or spending time as close friends.”
The distraught look on his face would make you think I’d punched him in the gut. “Sabrina, I don’t think I could give you up if I tried, and I don’t want to. I’m just... not there yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be. You deserve to know that upfront.”
I release a pent-up breath, yet don’t feel any of the tension leave my shoulders with the exhale. “Not sure I’ll ever be ready for any of this either, yet here we are. But as long as you’re not giving up on me, I’m happy. I don’t need to make out with you to enjoy your company, Reid. I like being aroundyou;in whatever capacity that happens to be in.”
A strangled sound comes out of him, yet neither of us move. No one in the room does for that matter, attempting to give us the illusion of privacy. But they heard, saw it all play out blow by blow in full technicolor and surround sound. They watch as their brother takes a step back from me, and in turn, they finally break their paralyzed stasis, crowding my space like they’re worried I’ll fall apart if they don’t hold me together.
I hate that they’re sort of right.
One deep breath turns into three, yet all the while, I keep my body languid, a reassuring smile on my face. I’m not about to guilt Reid into being with me, because that’s depressingly pathetic, and I respect myself far too much for that. Honestly, I can’t even blame him for making the responsible decision. It’s abundantly clear that all it takes is one slip of my control while I’m lost in the heat of the moment and I could mark him. One slash, one unintended bite, and he could be writhing on the ground in agony as his demonically possessed wolf attempts to claw its way out of his flesh, the very thing he’s feared his entire life, yet was semi-confident would never come to pass.
