Chapter 7
Sabrina
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“That’s it.” Jonathancloses his laptop with a sharp snap, scooting his chair back and yanking his bag off of the floor. “Reid, I love ‘ya, man, but your brothers and their drama is another beast entirely.”
You don’t know the half of it.
“I’m going to work from home until you get your shit squared away. Any problems with the system you can call so we don’t have to play email tag, but this is a little much, even for me.” He gestures around the table, where Slade, Bo, Reid, Cin, and I are sitting. “We all know that investment line was bullshit, and I’m betting it has something to do with your dating debacle.”
Shooting me an apologetic look as he slings his bag over his shoulder, he heads for the door. “No judgment, Sabrina, you do you. Hell, date ‘em all, for all the fucks I give. But for dudes that are apparently cool with sharing, I don’t see why they’re so possessive that you can’t even work without an entourage. Props to you for putting up with that overbearing shit, but I’m out. Call me if you guys run into a glitch.”
And with that he disappears, leaving me grimacing and embarrassed. Not so much about the multiple boyfriend thing, I’ve come to terms with that, but the fact that he’s sort of... right. For so adamantly living my life avoiding falling into the trap of codependency, I’m drowning in it now. I’m not stupid enough to want to send them away after the shitshow that happened at their place with the other packs, and the events of last night that I’m half convinced were nothing more than a nightmare, but it really is pretty ridiculous that I need four of them sitting with me while locked away on one of the highest floors of Byte-Ware. If someone were to break into the building, I’m sure an alarm would sound long before they made it this far, and even if they did, I’ve got Reid. I get Slade or Damian insisting on staying as well, seeing as I’m sort of a wild card, but Boden and Cin as well are overkill.
“He’s got a point.”
Cin and Bo turn to glare at Reid like it’s his fault for not controlling his employee, or whatever ridiculous nonsense they’ve got going on in their heads. As they start bickering the way only brothers can, Slade meets my eye from directly across the table. Nothing really needs to be said, an understanding passing between us that’s as easy as breathing. He feels like home, safe;mine.
And it makes me want to throw up, because the fluttering in my chest is positively thrilled knowing all I’d have to do is say the word and he’d make whatever I wanted happen.
I don’t want sex slaves, or people that would jump to do my bidding. I wantthem, not what they can do for me. The writhing in my chest intensifies, an alien sensation akin to a parasite that makes me queasy to think of squirming around inside of me. Not like I don’t love their attention, but with the way she revels in it, it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by being happy with them.
I’m going to go mad, and it’s only been a couple of days; especially if I keep pretending that everything’s going to be okay. How the fuck the guys have dealt with living like this their entire lives, I have no idea. But if there’s one thing my mother was good for, it was teaching me to identify where my limits are and then pushing past them. Burning out? Exhausted and want to curl up in a ball and cry? Too fucking bad. Breakdowns achieve nothing, simply waste time better spent coming up with solutions to the problem. It’s why half the time I get so hyper-focused on things that I forget to eat or sleep, not wanting to let anyone down, even if that person’sme.
I can’t let myself fall apart when I have too many people that need me to hold it together.
Just like Slade and Damian. Does that mean that my personality might not really be mine, but... hers? She may have been sick, but she was still there my entire life, possibly influencing my thoughts and behavior in subtle ways.
If I strip away everything about me that I can attribute to her, is there even anything left?
Though I want to scream and hit something, to spend a night sobbing and trying to drown my new personality beneath a bottle or three of wine until I feel less possessed and more likemeagain, I don’t. If I cave into that weakness, I’ll wind up as a passenger in my own body, watching someone else take over and live my life, or simply cease to exist.
“Would you like a few of us to leave?” Slade asks without a hint as to if he’s offended or not.
“No,” I admit, tying my hair up to get it off of my already full shoulders. “I’m self-aware enough to realize that things aren’t as black and white as I was taught to believe, and I’ve got more than a few hang-ups I need to deal with that cloud my judgment sometimes. I don’t have to do everything myself or rely on you guys for everything; there’s a middle ground here somewhere, we just need to find it. Honestly, though?”
I glance between him and Bo across from me and swallow my nerves as I lay it all out there. “I like having you guys around so long as you aren’t looking at me like I’m going to snap and go on a murdering spree at any given moment.” Slade winces after Reid’s similar admonishment yesterday, him and Hunter the only ones that actually acted like they were afraid of me. “I get it after everything that happened, don’t get me wrong. That’s why-” I sigh “- I’m asking for some help.”
“What do you need?” Bo asks instantly, and a broad grin chases away my nerves in the face of his instantaneous enthusiasm.
Closing my laptop, I look between all of them to ensure that they know they’re included in my request. “I need a crash course in how to do-” gesturing at nothing in particular, I search for the right words, only to come up short and toss my hands up in defeat. “All of this. To not drain someone unless I intend to, but mostly how to deal with this feeling of constantly being at war with myself. It’s making me paranoid and irritable, and I’m only on day two. I need someone to tell me if I should let her have the reins at night since we’re all running blind with this nonsense, or if I should fight to retain more control so that she doesn’t get out of hand. How to process feeling sick to my stomach when I feel her moving around when I know it’s psychological instead of physiological... I think.”
Circling my temples, I try to stave off my blooming headache a little longer. “I don’t know where to put all of this in my head so that I can cope a little easier, and I need some help compartmentalizing before I go insane or wind up actually killing one of you next time. Because despite having a few spare husbands laying around in case I mess up, believe it or not, I genuinely like all of you, and would rather not cannibalize your souls.”
Cinjin reads between the lines, stealing my hand to kiss my knuckles. “We should probably start by talking about the Damian thing first then, huh?”
Reid adds, “Followed by the mutant wolves. Ignoring this isn’t going to make anything go away, and we should deal with it before round two tonight.”
Bo hums. “I know I’m not the only one curious why she sent Cin away instead of having him shift as well.”
“One thing at a time,” Slade decrees, as if he can sense my rising panic at the multitude of topics. “As far as Damian goes,” he trails off, eyeing me carefully. After several weighted seconds that feel more like hours, he releases a weary sigh, tilting his head to the ceiling in search of patience, not able to meet my eye. “He’s pack now. I don’t trust him, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and you at him. At the very least I can trust that his motives are what he thinks are in your best interest, even if that doesn’t align with the rest of ours. Though to be blunt, I wouldn’t put it past him to stab us all in the back if he thought he was protecting you, but I can’t condemn him for that as any of us would do the same in a heartbeat. And I completely believe that when we make this infernal trip in a few weeks, he’ll try to convince you that his lands are safer than here, that you should stay.”
Finally, he meets my gaze, the gold flecks nearly overtaking his hazel irises today. “And he might be right. We’re a mess here, and every pack in the area hates us to some degree. The alliances I’ve worked so hard to cultivate have gone up in smoke after what happened with you and Emmy, and even with the recent increase in our numbers, we can only take so many more hits and manage to get back up again. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, and I don’t particularly like him, but I trust you. If a subconscious part of you saw something in him that you found worth claiming, he can’t be all bad, and I can admit that my issues stem from jealousy and caution at a foreign alpha more than the actual man himself.”
Cin grumbles, “Technically, all he’s done from day one has been for her benefit. He noticed she was uncomfortable around Adrian and sent him away, healed her leg, freed her wolf,” he trails off, Reid finishing his sentiment.
