‘I like having a clear sense of direction,’Bo claimed the other night. They weren’t at each other’s throats when they thought that Kaige and Hunter were a threat. Instead, their primary goal was ensuring that I was safe. Once I was in the clear, though, they went back to their pissing contests because they didn’t have anything else to focus on, so they’re making their own entertainment.
“You know, after everything that’s happened lately, someone really should run the perimeter to make sure no one is going to try to sneak in to murder us in our sleep. And think of all the fun you could have tearing them apart if you caught them.”
As expected, pissed off sounds surround me as the guys think about anyone setting foot on their land, hurting the people under their protection. Hastily, I add, “Remember though, Lizzie and her mates aren’t our enemies if you run into them! Pack; one of us. Same as Emmy and her guys.”
I swear they roll their eyes at me, and I instinctively snap my teeth at Slade in annoyance. “Oh, fuck off with your attitude. Like I wasn’t there when you wanted to turn Kaige and Hunter into chew toys, so excuse the heck out of me for thinking I should clarify.”
More growls, and this time, I flip both of them off. “Yes, yes, how dare I speak the names of other men in your presence. Oh wait-” crossing my legs, I rest an elbow on one knee and prop up my chin, the other hand busy scratching behind Bo’s ear since he’s the only one behaving right now. “That’s it, isn’t it? Kaige and Hunter are a threat because they’re the only unmated men on your land besides Reid. And let’s be real, we all know I’d march into the house in a heartbeat to bite that man if things weren’t so complicated.”
My leg vibrates under Bo’s annoyance and I grin like a fool, pissing the three of them off a better cure for my system overload than any drug. With only a few more words of encouragement, the three of them have a silent conversation amongst themselves before Bo gets to his feet to run with Slade. They dart off like bats out of hell, dirt flinging up beneath their heavy paws as they go tearing into the distance and leave Damian behind as my designated babysitter.
Taking full advantage of my temporary reprieve, I draw in slow, steady breaths, closing my eyes and giving my body time to absorb the volatile energy that’s making me sick. All the while, I run my fingers through Damian’s soft fur as he stretches out beside me to keep watch. It seems to do him some good too, reassured that I’m still by his side so that he’s free to search our surroundings without needing to keep me in his line of sight. Gradually, he releases some of the tension in his body, and I utilize the contact to ground me so that I won’t be left alone with only my thoughts for company.
“What if they run into someone, you ask?” He didn’t, but I’m about to use him as a pillow if I don’t do something to keep myself awake. “Anyone that should be on this property is already here, so if they find someone sneaking around, they deserve to get eaten by demonic wolves. Bright side, it’s a surefire way to ensure they won’t make the same mistake twice. Seriously, Damian, don’t be such a bleeding heart. Those assholes from Stonewood tried to rape Emmeline, then broke into the house to abduct her and murder her brothers. Plus, you saw what that guy did to my leg. I’m not a bad person for not having any sympathy for outsiders.”
At his whine, I bend down to kiss the top of his head. “Stop calling me out, sheesh. Yes, there’s a select group of exceptions, and you made the VIP list. Calm down with your fragile ego, will ‘ya?” I promptly regret the action, my entire world somersaulting. Resting my dizzy head on top of his, I take slow inhales of his smoky, charred scent. “Fuck.”
For the next half hour, I soak up the comfort and quiet, dozing off on Damian and letting my stomach settle and head calm down. By the time the ground vibrating beneath Slade and Bo’s heavy footfalls wakes me up, I’m feeling significantly better. As both a pro and a con, it means my other half is as well, stirring back to life and stealing control again.
Thundering into the copse of trees we’re hiding out in, rather than look like the run took the edge off, they appear more energized than ever, and I groan.It’s like owning fucking huskies. If I don’t tire them out, they’re going to destroy the house the second I go to bed.
My only saving grace was my cat nap, the worst of the headache and nausea abating. As I push to my feet and shake out my hands, I mentally prepare myself. The not shifting thing isn’t only on my head; my more vocal half is so adamantly against it that it actually makes me side-eye her suspiciously. From everything that I’ve gathered from being around these people, freeing their wolves is the epitome of success that they hope to achieve in life. And the way the guys’ wolves wanted to completely obliterate their bodies for the sake of freedom, even if it rendered them completely useless afterward, they couldn’t care less.
Even if it was only once, they wanted to taste the night air on their own tongues before the sun rose and reduced them to nothing more than ash, putting them out of their misery once and for all.
Everything is becoming... too much. Too much responsibility, too much sensory overload, and too much to process on so little sleep. Using Damian’s bulk to steady myself before letting go, I make it all of two steps before being attacked by Slade and Bo’s nudging, back to nipping and growling, their desire clear as day on their faces.
Shutting that down instantly, I adamantly declare, “I’m not shifting tonight, and if you keep pushing, I’m locking you outside alone for the rest of the night.” All of their huffing and puffing in objection does nothing to sway me or my counterpart, both of us beyond ready to call it a night. Between the exhausting events of this morning and evening, she’s already on the verge of burning out, not interested in emerging in the slightest. And me?
If my split personality manifested right now, I’m not sure if I’d ever mentally recover. I’m being pushed to the brink too hard, too fast, and if I can’t steal a few days soon to catch my breath, I’m not sure if I’ll make it out the other side with my sanity intact.
Reid delayed my breakdown this morning until tonight, and even that was stolen away from me.
How much of myself am I expected to sacrifice for other people? If I’m supposed to be their salvation, does that mean I’m even more cursed than they are? I’m one person, and I’m supposed to bear a fraction of all of their pain? What in the absolute fuck sort of bullshit is that? A fourth of every Hawthorne male is an entire person, and that’s before we even throw Damian into the mix. Fuck that.
I refuse to exist simply to make their lives better no matter how much I may love them. Maybe that’s selfish, but when you have nobody else looking out for you, you have to be, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Who decided that the right thing to do was exist solely for others? For someone else’s happiness to come at the expense of your own?
I want to help them, but I want them to help me too. I don’t want to live a life where I’m forced to be stronger than men that flaunt their superiority, or even do it in general in the first place. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. But I have no qualms being the villain if it means that I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I took my fate into my own hands rather than playing the part that someone else decided for me.
The sudden surge of anger helps burn away some of my exhaustion, petty determination fueling me. Without looking at any of them, I bolt. No inciting a challenge, no pandering to their moods. They’re running on instinct right now? Fine. I can work with that. I don’t need to be the better person or their keeper, I just need to give them something to do until the sun comes up so that they don’t kill each other.
In return, when they’re back to their normal selves, they can make it up to me. And this time? I’m not going to balk at any attention or gifts that may come my way. Honestly, these men are mentally and physicallyexhaustingto keep up with, so I think I’ve earned some foot rubs and breakfast in bed.
They catch up within seconds before quickly overtaking me. I don’t have any clear destination in mind, simply killing time, but I haven’t been on a run since the night my leg was mauled. I didn’t get my scheduled breakdown, so if I’m not able to sleep, I can at least spend some time working through my thoughts. Nearly all of my sickness has disappeared by now, and the devil that slipped off of my shoulder and into my brain seems to be perking up more with every additional step that I take.
The guys loop around so that I’m not left in their dust, alone and unprotected. They sprint, shoot past me in their own race, then circle back to repeat the cycle. Despite my desire to utilize the quiet time to process, my brain is completely and utterly fried. Between how little sleep I got last night, everything that’s happened today, not to mention all of the new problems added onto our already full plate because of Damian, my mind has finally reached the tipping point and shut down for the sake of self-preservation.
While I’m not able to riddle through anything, the peace is as much of a balm on my soul as any solution I might have come up with. This is actually sort of... nice, as insane as that sounds. Easy. Surrounded by chaos, but a brief reprieve in the heart of the storm. For once, the guys aren’t stressed out thinking about every potential problem, panicking about my safety or any power plays.
They trust in themselves enough to give me room to breathe, confident that they’d tear any threat apart before it got within fifty feet of me. Sure, they stay nearby, but they aren’t breathing down my neck. They’re reveling in their freedomwith me,content to coexist, and I can’t deny the heady combination of peace and adrenaline that running through the trees at night offers.
As dawn approaches, it’s increasingly less difficult to regain control, my wolf worn out and running on fumes. Still, I let her have a little longer out of a fucked-up sense of appreciation. After this morning, I was understandably terrified of what she was capable of to the point that I couldn’t even celebrate the fact that I’m not going to have to spend the rest of my life as a defective not-wolf after all. And even though she wrenched control away from me several times, it wasn’t for the sake of freeing herself, it was to help the guys. So while she might scare the shit out of me after getting a glimpse of what she’s capable of, I can respect her for having her priorities straight. Hell, how many times has she tried to keep me alive already, twisting in my chest to alert me to a danger I’d have missed otherwise?
That’s actually more alarming, come to think of it. She isn’t ruled by instinct, she’s thinking several steps ahead. Which means... she’s planning something.
A true villain isn’t screaming in your face and breaking shit to look intimidating. It’s the one that’s working in the shadows to orchestrate your demise before you ever even realized they were a threat.
While mine is mellowing out, theirs are only getting more agitated, aware that their freedom is coming to an end as dawn approaches. I’ve been catching my breath for the last half hour as they race around, never going too far before returning to check on me. After rising to my feet and taking a step, rather than get excited, thinking that I’m ready to run again, they’re suspicious. They might not be able to read my mind, but I swear, they can pick up on my intentions beforeIeven know what my wolf’s doing, masters of interpreting body language and tasting shifts in mood on the faint breeze.
