Like doesn't think she deserves to be saved unless she earns it.
“I could make my peace with killing someone if there was a good reason,” she whispers. “If it was someone that tried to hurt me, or heck, if I knew he might hurt someone else. But how can I forgive myself for taking away someone’s father, wife, or only friend in the world?” She finally turns to look at me head on. “How am I supposed to let Malcolm make a case that we’re victims in this when I’ve ruined countless lives, and now am dragging you three down with me?”
Licking her arm, I support her the only way she’ll accept right now. She doesn’t want someone to forgive her; she wants someone to acknowledge that she was forced to do terrible things instead of brushing them under the rug to be forgotten. The others don’t think she needs forgiveness because they refuse to acknowledge she had any blame in what happened, choosing instead to forget and move on, but she can’t.
She needs someone to see that she’s bleeding and be proud of her for still being able to. After everything she’s been through, she’s managed to cling to her humanity, holding it up like a mangled prize.
I see you.
Swiping her other hand over her eyes, she glares out the window like she can dry her tears through sheer determination. “I don’t think I have the words to describe how disgusting it felt to have some centuries old asshole jerking me around like I was his doll to do with as he pleased. As if attacking people like a mindless animal wasn’t bad enough, I spent a year as his personal juice box. The brain fog was honestly a blessing because I couldn't have endured being cognizant during it all; I’m struggling enough with the nightmares as the memories trickle back. How fucked up is it that I actually have to be grateful for those mages abducting me?”
Swallowing the low growl that I’d unconsciously started, I focus on her fingers picking up pace scratching behind my other ear. “That cage was a blessing, and I’d gladly go right back to being strapped to the chair in that basement instead of the man whispering in my head and makingmecease to exist in my own body.”
Turning to face me, her eyes are red and watery, making a low whine escape before I can stop it. She folds her arms on the side of the bathtub and rests her chin on them, not pushing me away when I join her.
“I can’t, Beck,” she croaks. “I can still hear him sometimes when I’m sleeping, even though logically, I know he’s dead. Even though I’m free, I’m terrified that it won’t last, that he’ll rise up from the dead and I’ll be right back under his thumb.”
Tilting her head so that she’s resting her cheek on my muzzle, she sighs. “I don’t even feel likemeanymore. I want to be able to love you guys without being terrified that you’ll turn me into a toy to use for your amusement at any given moment. I want to be alone in my head, but truth be told, I’m miserable company up there these days. Not sure why you guys are looking at the concept as something amazing instead of exhausting to deal with. I can barely keep up with my own spiraling thoughts, let alone three others’.”
We simply stay like that for a while in amicable silence, and for once, the quiet doesn’t make me restless. When I feel her shiver against me, the water long since gone cold, I gently extract my head from beneath her slumbering face and pad over to her discarded towel. Claws tapping obnoxiously loud against the smooth tile, I capture the corner of the towel in my teeth, dragging it back to Scarlett. She’s half asleep, and I nearly shift back so I can pull her out and carry her to bed, but it’s not like she slipped beneath the surface or too frozen to move.
She wants help, not for someone to take over.
She sought me out instead of the others for a reason, so even though it goes against my instincts, I stay as I am. Tossing the towel over her head, I bark once and she jolts up immediately, startled. Pulling the towel off of her head, she looks at me like I’m nuts, but I simply use my head to gesture at the water.
Brow furrowed, she runs her pruney fingers through it before shivering, like she’s only now noticing it’s gone cold. “Shit, I fell asleep?” I turn around as she climbs out, but almost break when she stumbles a step. “All good, foot’s just asleep.”
She walks over to grab her clothes off of the counter, getting dressed while I keep my eyes firmly on the door, careful not to give her a single reason to think her trust was misplaced by inviting me in. After she’s back in Kasen’s t-shirt and a pair of sleep shorts are lost beneath it, she moves to the glass wall rather than the door, patting the floor beside her in silent invitation.
On all fours I reach her waist, so with her seated, we’re nearly the same height. Hesitating before I drop down beside her, I lope back across the room to the shelf of folded towels, dragging them all onto the floor and shoving them across the room while she watches my fumbling with half a smile. Once I’ve got all ten of them beside her, I awkwardly toss a couple over her legs that are still covered in goosebumps until she gets the hint.
It’s a fine line between helping to the point it’s overbearing, and consideration. I can respect that my mate is scared of losing her independence surrounded by people that want to dote on her endlessly so that she never has to lift a finger, but by the same token, I’m not going to leave her to fend for herself or do everything while I sit on my ass. It’s all about finding balance, and I’ll likely mess up at times, but I’m determined to try.
Chuckling, she adjusts the towels into a haphazard blanket over her lap and drapes another across her shoulders as I stretch out against her back so that she has something to lean against. Curling so that my head is at her side and I can face out the window with her, she gently runs her fingers through my onyx fur.
“It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
I release a puff of breath in agreement. The moon is insanely bright, reflected in the ocean and making the water glow in the otherwise dark landscape. The buildings between us and the coast don’t hinder our view in the slightest, the small smattering of lights like a sea of stars on the ground to mirror the brilliant ones above. It’s a perfect, unencumbered view, Drake Enterprises the tallest building in the city; a king looking down at his empire from the safety of his castle.
You’re being petty because you’re envious.
I’ll reluctantly admit to myself that the mage isn’t anything like I thought he’d be. Sure, he tore into me like nobody’s business earlier alongside Kasen, but that’s because I upset our mate. Hard to resent a guy who’s driving motivation is protecting the person you love.
His company logo is slapped on dozens of buildings beneath us, and where I once just saw an obscene amount of wealth and greedily acquiring whatever he could get his hands on, I force myself to look again with fresh eyes. The hospital, the chain of pharmacy and convenience stores, a food pantry, the new gym attached to the highschool that’s still under construction; he doesn’t hoard his wealth, he pours it back into the parts of the city that need the most help. Sure, he rewards himself with a sticker slapped on everything he touches, but it’s simply the way he’s leaving his mark on the world.
He wants to fix everything. No wonder Scarlett’s nervous to let him see how broken she thinks she is.
“I’m not opposed to the whole fated thing anymore,” she announces, finally breaking the silence. “It took me a while to wrap my head around the concept, but it’s strangely comforting, now that I’ve given it a chance. A relief, even; I don’t need to worry about marrying the wrong person. If cementing the bond with Malcolm proved anything, it’s that I have a habit of getting in my own way sometimes, but things can be great if I give up a little control and trust that everything will be okay, that we were put in each other’s paths for a reason.”
She draws her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs over the towels. “I’m even all in on the idea of turning this thing into a group project. I just-” she sighs “- I can’t trust-fall into this one. It’s not you or Kasen, it’s literally only the thought of having a pack link that has me locking up in panic. It’s too much for me to handle right now.”
A heavy exhale has her deflating, the tension leaving her muscles in a rush. “We’re all messing up left and right, aren’t we? It’s worse because I’m aware that I’m doing it and can’t seem to stop myself. I was lucky enough to have an easy life up until it exploded, so it’s a rough adjustment coming to terms with the fact that the trauma that carved out a spot in my head isn’t going to simply... go away. I’m trying to figure out how to live with it without letting it completely take over, but I’m struggling to find a good spot inside my skull to frame and mount it.”
I snort out a breath at the visual, nuzzling against her hip to let her know I’m not laughing at her.
“I do want this, Beck, I just don’t know how to let myself have it.” Twisting to face me, the teary-eyed look she gives me makes my breath freeze painfully in my chest. “Don’t give up on me, okay?”
Slinking forward, I plop my head with extra force onto her lap. A quiet, “Omph,” rushes from her as I make it abundantly clear that not only am I not budging, but I’m too stubborn and annoying to let her shove me away either.
