For being at risk of being murdered by an angry mob at any given moment, my life is strangely less stressful than before. Then again, that could simply be Malcolm’s influence. There’s something about having someone love you at your worst and still sticking around that makes whatever the world throws at you not seem so impossible anymore.
Kasen wraps his arms around me, pulling me tighter against him and closing out the world around us. I’ll give the man credit; he’s mastered bear hugs. Malcolm sits across from me to the side so that he doesn’t block my view of the water, able to watch for anyone approaching the base of the rocks. A shiver runs down my spine as Kasen rubs his cheek along my temple, ending with his chin resting on top of my head.
For fucks’ sake, the guy saw us naked and acted like it was no big deal. He’s just good at his job and keeping you safe... for Malcolm’s sake.
But even as the thought creeps in, I shake it away, knowing it’s bullshit that stems from doubt. I’m about at the point where I might just throw caution to the wind and flat out kiss him, see what happens. If I blow everything up to see where the dust falls, I can stop from falling any deeper into this mess, but I’m not really sure if I actually want to know or what I’m hoping for.
And starting a conversation of ‘Hey, want a three way?’ seems like a recipe for disaster. I may as well slide him a note that says ‘Do youlikelike me? Check yes or no in the boxes below’ like we’re in grade school. I legitimately don’t even know where to start in getting this figured out, and I have the sinking suspicion that once I open that dialogue, it’s going to get intense quickly. Because there has to be a reason they didn’t correct me when I made it clear I thought Kasen only had a thing for Malcolm, only for my mage to subtly push the two of us together.
Malcolm’s as direct of a person as any; if he isn’t saying something, there’s a purpose behind the logic, and that’s the only reason I haven’t outright asked yet.
Stop freaking out about the people on the beach, Scar, you’re not going to rip their throats out. Even if Malcolm wasn’t in the picture, Kasen wouldn’t let that happen; he’s too inherently a good person, just like my... mate.
My mate that wants to watch me bone my bodyguard.
I’ve given plenty of thought to the group relationship dynamics that supernaturals find themselves in during recent days. I’d never been able to successfully manage one relationship for more than six months before, so the thought of juggling two sends my nerves into overdrive. It’d be multitasking to disappoint several people at once, failing them all in one fell swoop instead of destroying relationships one at a time. But it’s hard not to imagine it in the privacy of my own head with how seamlessly Kasen’s presence fits in with us, and I see the appeal to the group project aspect. No one can be everything for someone without losing a part of themselves in the process, and it’s selfish to expect them to make you their entire world.
I don’t want to be the center of someone’s universe, I just want to be loved and explore it alongside them.
Malcolm has so much on his plate already and I’m occupying every bit of his free time. When does he have any time for himself? His hobbies? With Kasen around, it helps ease the burden of guilt since Malcolm was my only human interaction before Kasen came around, so no matter how exhausted he came home, he felt obligated to spend all of his time taking care of me. That’s what a pack is supposed to be all about, right? Taking care of each other and sharing the load. Kasen may not be in love with me, but he can still love me as a friend; potentially with benefits.
‘I hate that I was supposed to simply appreciate not being murdered like it was some sort of benevolence instead of the fucking bare minimum.’Here I am, hemming and hawing about whether or not I should fuck Kasen like the choice will ruin my life, and he was raised one involuntary shift in the wrong place away from catching a bullet to the head.
My priorities need a huge fucking reality check. Now I’m the one that might be gunned down at a moment’s notice, and it’s a huge wake up call. I went from the subconscious knowledge that I’d be okay no matter where I traveled, to even shifters waiting to rip my throat out.
The rest of the world hates me and here I am, debating if one of the two people that care about whether or not I exist wants to rail me. Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to suppress my senses so much as ask someone to smack me across the face and confront all of the things I’m attempting to avoid dealing with.
I’m pretty sure being forcefully turned into a predator damaged the part of my humanity that trained me to be grateful for what I was given without complaint. Now, all I can think about is that I might finally be strong enough not to have to settle when everything I want is within reach. Everyone is willing to condemn me simply for existing, so does it really matter if they scoff and whisper behind my back?
“Shallow breaths for now,” Kasen encourages, voice low and oblivious to my mental breakdown. “Focus on the faint salty taste of the air, the scent of the water. Disregard everything else as unimportant. You don’t need to have your guard up; we’ve got you.” He tightens his arms around me to emphasize that fact, making me hyper-aware of everywhere he’s touching me. “You’re safe, so these people don’t need to register on your radar as worth tracking their movements.”
Closing my eyes, I breathe through my mouth until I have a firm grasp on that singular taste before switching to inhaling through my nose. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, the strangers nearby unfamiliar, instinctually knowing they’re a threat. But just as quickly I start to relax, an ominous sense of self-assurance settling over my shoulders.
They might be a threat, but they aren’t a bigger one. I’m faster, more brutal, and the terrifying certainty that I could switch off my emotions and rely on muscle memory weighs heavily on me. Humans have guns, and shifters tend to hunt in packs, relying on their numbers and coordination to take us down. Vampires may be a corrupted evolutionary glitch, but one on one, we’re the apex predators.
It takes another minute before I’m able to actually shove the scents of the strangers away, and then I risk taking normal breaths before drawing in a deep lungful. There’s a faint, unsettling sense nagging at the edge of my mind, but I’m able to ignore it for the most part.
“Does it ever go away completely? That feeling of paranoia?” I whisper, eyes shut tight to prove that I trust them implicitly. “It’s like I’m always waiting for someone to step into my space, even with my guard down and knowing there’s no reason to be afraid.”
His voice is a rumble against my back. “No. Eventually, you just get used to it. It’s why out in the Wilds, territories are respected first and foremost, even if you hate someone. Everything else in the world works against us, and it’s a constant battle to fight what our instincts demand. Out there, it’s easier to give into our baser nature, and it’s far more likely if you piss someone off encroaching on their space, you’ll trigger a defensive reaction before they even have time for rational thoughts. Deeper you go, the more time people spend in their other skin, instincts driving their actions heavier than the shifters you’re used to being around.”
Malcolm’s voice is quiet. “I didn’t realize how much influence your other halves have on you. I thought it was more like us; a source of energy beneath your skin, but rather than coax it out and manipulate its form to wield, you tapped into it to change forms. I’m surprised any of you can stand living in cities.”
Kasen rubs his palms over my arms as if he can sense the dark turn in my thoughts. Though I was raised on the opposite end of the spectrum in the divisive part of the country, I saw plenty of horrible things that are burned into my memory; even if they were witnessed from a position that I didn’t need to be afraid, like he did.
“Many like the novelty more than anything, since far too many places would never allow such a thing. You always want what you can’t have.” Lessening the acidity in his words, he sighs. “And others, especially those that grew up in huge packs like wolves, find it comforting; safety in numbers. There’s a huge difference between being surrounded by a chaotic mess of scents you don’t recognize, and ones that are familiar enough that it feels like home. Our building is primarily all shifters, with a few exceptions, so even though you can hear constant chatter, it’s like turning the TV on low for background noise. I don’t need to be on high alert because no one in that building would be so stupid as to try something when we could all track them down by scent, or one loud shout will have a dozen people pouring into the hallway. So I sleep better with the chatter than I do in silence, when I’m forced to rest in a dozed state so I can listen for any foreign sound and jerk awake in an instant if necessary.”
My lips press into a tight line.And I begged him to spend the night a few days ago, thinking I was helping. No wonder he didn’t stick around the next day.
Reclining against him, I take another deep breath of sea air, but with it comes a rush of Malcolm’s cologne as the wind shifts again. I have to bite back the desire to drag him closer, caging me in between the two of them. “Your roommate must be having a rough go of it with as much as I’ve been stealing you away lately, then.”
Kasen pauses, and that in itself is my answer, even though he shrugs it off a moment later. “That bastard’s fine, and honestly, we’re usually both gone all day at work. That’s the benefit of cell phones. We’ve kept plenty in touch; he knows I haven’t forgotten about him.”
“Not too in touch, I’d hope,” Malcolm states with a hard edge to his voice that has my eyes flying open in surprise.
Kasen stiffens. “Of course not, sir.” He slips back into the role of nervous guard like he did the first day I met him, and honestly, I hate it.
“You should bring him by for dinner sometime soon, I’d love to meet him. Not trying to make you choose between your-” I stumble trying to find the right phrasing before finishing lamely with “-friends.”
