I know I’m a hot mess with screwed up priorities and delusions to keep me sane; it’s how I’ve survived since the day my brother died. The only way I’ve managed to cope and not fall into a spiraling depression is getting out of my own head, pretending to be someone else for a little while. I cling to those personas, because as soon as I’m left alone withme,I’m forced to face everything I’ve pent up and brushed aside in favor of getting through just one more day.
So how am I supposed to just say ‘you hurt my feelings’? Before these three, not a single soul cared; went out of their way to, more often than not. I’ve never had anyone in my corner that actually gave a damn before, that asked me about my day or what I might need. I’m grateful for what I’ve found with them and don’t want to fuck it up by asking for extra when they already have given me more than I ever dreamed I’d have.
Dorian weighs his words carefully before he speaks. “I know you’re trying to keep us all safe, and I appreciate that sacrifice, but it’s coming across like you don’t want to be around Cambria any more than you have to be.”
His eyes widen before whipping to me, scanning my face as he searches for the truth in his words. I must not be doing nearly as good of a job hiding my thoughts as I’m attempting to, because he starts marching over after only a split second.
Involuntarily, I lean into Dorian for comfort. Not because I’m worried Lucien will hurt me in the slightest, but because the confrontation scares the hell out of me. This is all uncharted territory. I’m so accustomed to shoving my problems under the rug to deal with...never, that being forced to shine a light on them and deal with things head on has my anxiety flaring up.
Dorian senses the tension radiating off of me, tightening his hold in a combination of reassurance, and not letting me make a run for it. He kisses my shoulder while my stomach flips, my breathing coming quicker.
Luce kneels down in front of me, picking up on the change now that he’s scrutinizing my every movement. He and Dorian dealt with me the last time I freaked out, and according to the latter, he’s a pro after helping Dorian heal throughout the years.
As if he’s battling his own nerves, he hesitantly extends his fingers towards my neck. Tentatively, he slips his hand under the collar of my shirt and over smooth skin until settling on his mark on my chest. His was the most brutal to receive, carved above my heart. The scars are smooth to the touch now, but still upraised and I figure they always will be. Like when Dorian and Atlas brush their thumbs over their marks on my hands, it helps to settle my nerves a bit, but my heart continues hammering away.
“I just keep hurting you, don’t I?” His gaze is raw, simply stating the painful truth rather than actually asking.
I can’t trust myself to speak, my heart leaping from my chest to get lodged in my throat. Running my tongue over my suddenly dry lips, I anxiously wait for the moment he decides that he was right and we never should have crossed this line. He’s the type of man that would give up everything to take care of the people he loves, and from how glacial his eyes are right now, I can practically see the gears turning in his head, preparing to push me away for my own good.
“So why can’t I stop?” he mutters, thumb reverently stroking over the scars. “I just want to protect you.”
Dorian keeps a firm grip, knowing from the stiffness in my body that I need him to hold me together right now. “Keeping her safe isn’t enough; she needs you to love her.”
Lucien’s thumb never stops, keeping as steady as the pendulum of a clock. “But I do,” he growls, struggling to find where the disconnect is and getting increasingly frustrated.
Dorian kisses my neck, giving him time to formulate a response. “When your dad died,” he starts cautiously, giving Luce a chance to shut down the conversation, “you promised to take care of your brother. You loved him and couldn’t protect him. When you found me, you became obsessive, blurring the two concepts into one, I think. The two things aren’t synonymous.”
Luce frowns as if the idea has never once occurred to him. While he wrestles with the idea, he continuously strokes the mark on my chest and I start to gradually relax. The repetitive rhythm is something I can handle, calming my agitation so I’m less paralyzed by nerves.
“I like spending time with you,” I finally manage, sounding pathetic and small.
The corner of his mouth twitches. “I like spending time with you as well. I’m sorry I led you to believe otherwise.”
I shrug a single shoulder, trying to downplay everything and make it less awkward. “Not your fault I’m so needy.”
At that, his hand stills on my chest, the other coming up to cup my jaw. “Stop. Don’t try to twist things to give me a free pass and shoulder blame that isn’t yours to bear. I struggle, Cambria; I’ll be the first to admit that. It’s a challenge for me to connect with people as much as it is to see when I’m being an asshole. I honestly don’t mean to hurt you or make you feel bad. If I’m unintentionally brushing you off, please, call me out on it. I have tunnel vision more often than not, and might just need a smack in the head now and again.”
I have to force the words out, but it’s akin to chewing glass to admit aloud. “I think I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you guys to finally see that I’m more trouble than I’m worth.”
He leans in to kiss me tenderly. “Cambria Lark, you are worth far more than I could give you, but I’m certainly going to try my best.”
Turning back to Dorian so that he can see the sincerity in my eyes, I attempt to put my appreciation into words, but nothing I think of completely encompasses the feeling. So instead, I settle for basic. He deserves much more, but it’s all I have right now.
“Thank you. For always knowing what I need long before I do.”
He smiles back at me, kissing my shoulder. “I try, but sometimes I miss the mark a little. Good thing there’s three of us to try and figure you out, gorgeous.”
I melt between them, Dorian at my back and Lucien at my front. I twist to better reach him, trying to convey everything I want to say and can’t with the kiss. He deserves better than that, they all do, but I’m just not there yet. I don’t know how to articulate the feelings battering around inside of me, scared to actually let myself be truly happy.
I’m used to coasting along on the surface of emotions, letting them carry me from one point to the next, but never actually submerging myself in them. These three force me to confront things I’d rather repress, to take the hard steps forward to bring about change. I liked my little bubble of denial, yet they came in with just as many sharp edges as I was concealing.
I think I love them, but after being treated like shit for my entire life, maybe I’m just confused on how to react when someone shows me a sliver of kindness. I’m not any better than Lucien, blurring the lines of concepts into how IthinkI should act or feel, but I’m just as lost. Untethered, ironically enough, despite my three invisible chains.
When Lucien tries to step away and give us privacy, I hook my finger in his belt loop, not pulling him closer, but keeping him from slipping away. I tear myself away from Dorian, gazing up at Luce and feeling more exposed than I ever have before in my life.
“Stay?”
If this is love, I don’t know how I’ll be able to stand it. I’m giving them easy access to destroy me more completely than anyone’s managed thus far.
