I looked down at the two pink lines staring up at me and threw it in the sink like it had just bitten me. I couldn’t stop the force of tears that streamed from my eyes, or the loud cry that escaped my throat. I clutched the bathroom counter and stared back at the stupid girl who stared back at me. I hated her in that moment.
Hated how bold she had become, thinking she was invincible by making risky choices. I had never been that girl, and there was a reason for it. Because I didn’t want to make mistakes. It was safer to tiptoe around people’s feelings. Safer to stay insituations even when I wasn’t happy. Safer to please everyone around me, except myself. Safer to stay in my shell.
None of this would have happened if I hadn’t taken that stupid leap of faith. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t taken a new job. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t met Chester.
I shook my head at myself just as a roll of nausea hit me. I ran for the toilet and hurled into it for the fourth time that night. I groaned as I flushed the toilet and lay down on the bath rug beside me. I wanted to stay curled up in a ball here in my apartment forever.
And I did stay there, at least for the night, until the morning light streamed through my bathroom window and fluttered against my eyelids.
“No,” I groaned, unwelcome to the morning and a new day.
I peeled myself from the floor and went to the bathroom sink to splash my face with cool water and brush my teeth, desperate to get the vomit taste out of my mouth. It was there that I saw the positive pregnancy test staring up at me. Reminding me of everything.
A single warm tear streamed down my cheek as I picked it up. As I stared at it, I really thought about what it meant. I was going to be a mom. I had a baby growing inside of me at that very moment. A baby I hadn’t expected or wanted or imagined. And then it dawned on me that it was Chester’s, as if that weren’tobvious. The thought put a crack in my heart because if he wanted nothing to do with me, how would he feel about a baby?
I had so many thoughts to sort through and the only people I could think to talk to about them were my best friends, who had been in the dark about these past few weeks with Chester. I wasn’t sure why I had kept it from them. Maybe I liked having this secret that was my own, making the whole affair that much more fun. Or, maybe, I knew they would worry. But now, I couldn’t care about any of that. I needed my best friends.
I washed up and got some breakfast in me, if you could call buttered toast breakfast, but it was the only thing I could hold down. The sickness I had been experiencing the past few days all made sense now. Morning sickness should really be called “any time of day sickness.” When I was sure I wasn’t going to vomit, I picked up my phone and called Gabriella.
“Hello?” she answered, the sound of cartoons on in the background.
“Hey, Gabs,” I said, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice.
“What’s wrong?” she immediately asked.
It was worth a try.
“Can you come over?” I sniffed, feeling the tears threatening to fall. I was really growing tired of all this crying.
“Yes. Of course,” she said, with no hesitation.
“Can you bring Sadie too?” I asked.
“Yes. We’ll be there soon.” I heard the click of the TV turning off and the protest of her toddler, Melodie, before Gabriella hung up the phone.
I suddenly felt a pang of guilt for interrupting my friend’s peaceful Saturday morning with her daughter, but also grateful that my friends would drop anything to be with me when I needed them. I tidied up the apartment while I waited, finding distraction in household chores. I was just fluffing up the couch when there was a knock at my door.
“Coming,” I called out as I padded across the living room floor, still in my pajamas from the night before.
I opened the door to see both Sadie and Gabriella standing there with worried expressions etched on their faces. They pulled me into a hug and I let the tears flow. It was wonderous how best friends justknewexactly what you needed. Mine were no different as they practically carried me into my apartment and we all sunk into the couch together.
“What’s going on?” asked Sadie worriedly, tucking a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear as she eyed me warily.
“You have us freaked, girl,” said Gabriella, raising her dark brows.
I reached behind me into the pocket of my striped pajama pants and pulled out the positive pregnancy test. Both Sadie’s and Gabriella’s eyes nearly popped out of their heads when they saw it in my hand.
“Oh, my God!” Gabriella practically yelled.
“You’re pregnant?” asked Sadie, in an equally shrill voice.
“Apparently. If this didn’t prove it, the morning sickness did,” I said forlornly.
“How?” asked Sadie.
“Who?” asked Gabriella more pointedly.
I buried my face in my hands and let out a sob. “I don’t know,” I cried.
