That makes me think about Javonte. I think about him standing in that studio, proud and nervous, waiting for me to see what he saw. I see his face when mine couldn’t do what he expected it to do.
My chest still hurts, but the hurt has a shape now.
He saw me. That’s the complicated part. He saw that I was tired and that Lit with Lily was outgrowing the corners I kept squeezing it into. He saw the problem clearly enough to try to solve it.
He just skipped the part where I got to choose the answer.
I know what I need to say to him now. I know why it hurt. I also know I don’t want to keep punishing him for trying when what I really need is for him to understand.
I pick up my phone and open his messages.
His last text is still there.
I’m here when you’re ready.
I’m not ready to fix everything in one conversation, but I am ready to stop hiding from it.
Me: I’m ready to talk.
Chapter 37 Javonte
I read Lily’s text six times before I respond.
Me: I’ll come to you.
Her reply comes a minute later.
Lily: My place is fine.
I grab my keys and leave before I can talk myself into sending something else. I drive to her place in silence. I don’t call Zea. I don’t rehearse some long speech, even though my brain keeps trying to hand me one. I don’t need a speech. I need to listen.
When I get to Lily’s house, she opens the door before I knock. She’s in leggings and an oversized T-shirt, her hair pulled up, her face bare. She looks tired, but not closed off. That gives me something to breathe around.
“Hey,” she says.
“Hey.”
She steps back to let me in, and for a second, we just stand there in her entryway like we forgot how to move around each other.
“You want something to drink?” she asks.
“No, I’m good.” I pause. “Actually, yes. Water. Please.”
Her mouth twitches. “Okay.”
I follow her into the kitchen, holding back every urge to reach for her. She gets a bottle of water from the fridge and hands it to me. Our fingers brush, and I want to pull her close. I don’t. I stay where I am and let her lean back against the counter.
“I turned down the promotion today,” she says.
That is not what I expected her to say first. “How do you feel?”
“Terrified. Relieved. A little nauseous.”
“That sounds about right.”
She lets out a quiet laugh. “It does.”
“I’m proud of you.”
