“I know that too.”
I sit on the edge of the built-in counter and drop my head. I can see Lily standing here again. That smile she put on because she didn’t know what else to do with her face. The way she looked around without really settling on anything. The way she asked whose name was on the lease. The way she went still when I said we could talk about buying later.
I thought we meant together.
Maybe to her, it sounded like I had already put myself in the middle of something she never chose.
“She’s tired,” I say, more to myself than to Zea. “She’s been trying to do HR and Lit with Lily, and the business is getting too big for her garage. I saw that.”
“You probably saw the right thing,” Zea says. “You just did too much with it.”
That one gets me because it’s simple enough to be true.
I walk back into the main room. The front windows let in enough light to make the place look exactly like what I wanted it to be. I can still see it if I let myself. Lily teaching in here. People laughing. Paint on her hands. Her in charge of something that belonged to her because she built it.
I wanted her to have something that was hers.
Then I put my name on it first.
“I messed up,” I say.
“Yeah.”
“Damn, you didn’t even soften it.”
“You wouldn’t have called me if you wanted soft.”
That pulls a small laugh out of me, but it doesn’t last. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Nothing right now.”
“That’s terrible advice.”
“It’s not. She said she didn’t want to talk, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then don’t make her talk because now you feel bad.”
I close my eyes.
There it is again. The part of me that wants to fix this because sitting in the middle of it feels awful. I want to call her. I want to explain. I want to tell her what I meant, what I saw, what I thought I was giving her.
But all of that is still about me feeling better.
“I hate this,” I say.
“I know.”
“I don’t know how to just leave it alone.”
“You don’t have to leave it alone forever,” Zea says. “Just today.”
That sounds small enough to be possible.
I think about the Bahamas, about the second villa and the way Lily looked at me when I gave her a choice instead of a plan. She softened because there was room for her to decide.
Here, I gave her no room.
