My expression softened. I touched my own tattoo, looking up at her as I said, “It’s a little late.”
“It’s not that.” She squirmed uncomfortably.
I looked at her tattoo, then gave her the space to speak. Whatever it was, I was in no place to talk over my friend’s experience.
She said, “I just… If I’d ever thought Heaven and Hell were real, I would have lived my life differently, you know? Taken church more seriously. Been…different. And then I meet these two, and—sorry, Silas, but you’re an angel, right? You’re the cherubic, shiny, floaty good guy I’ve seen in tacky paintings for my entire life. But you curse like a sailor, you have a temper, and I have no idea what to make of you.”
He offered an irreverent half-salute from his reclined place on the couch in return.
Then to me, she said, “And then you’re not only pro-demon, but there’s all this god stuff…” She trailed off. The men had the good sense to look away, pretending to be fascinated by whatever it was they found on their respective spots on the wall as she said, “What does this mean for the rest of my life? For any of us? Where do we go when we die? What do I do?”
“It won’t matter if the world ends,” Kirby said.
“But for my soul? Yeah, it will,” Nia said.
I chewed on my nails, which was uncommon for me. I needed something to do with my nervous energy. I didn’t want to be dismissive of her question, but I didn’t have ananswer. Not really. All I could say was, “I don’t know aboutafter. I know that I’ve been a human many, many times. I know that my great-grandma made the choice to end her human cycles and stay with the Nordes. Az?”
He grimaced, as if hoping he wouldn’t be called upon for an answer.
“Anything to add?”
He ran his fingers through his inky, disheveled hair, tossing it around his horns as he blew out a breath. His tone was sticky with regret as he said, “With humans? It’s so hard to say. I know that’s not what you want to hear. The easy answer would be something or other about enlightenment—that once you knew about the realms, you’d pick one and stay put. But…everyone’s journey is different.”
Nia addressed him directly as she asked, “What am I supposed to do with that information? What does that mean for today, tomorrow, my next fifty years on this planet?”
“Honestly?” He shrugged, leaning forward. “It means whatever you want. The only person in here who’s spent his existence living by someone else’s rules is Silas. Silas, tell the class: How’s your mental health?”
Any levity we’d shared was gone. There was no companionability in Silas’s voice as he stood. He abandoned his seat on the couch to give himself some space, but not without muttering, “Shut the fuck up.”
Kirby and Nia looked at me with wide, uncertain eyes.
“Az…” I started.
His look said,Whatever it is, please, stop.
Alas, I did not. “Were you ever an angel? Did you fall?”
His brows lifted. He relaxed once more. “No,” he said honestly. “I was in a demonic legion and received a promotion. Now I’m middle management.”
I chuckled. At my friends’ confusion, I explained, “He pretty much lives in Bruce Wayne’s mansion, but make it an upscale apartment in Hell. He’s doing fine.”
Az’s teeth flashed in a crooked grin. “Listen, I didn’t sayI wasn’t doing well. I just don’t have an Infernal title. I’m not exactly Goetic royalty. Now, I may not be below anyone by serving in a legion, but I’m also not important enough to get a courtly title. But no. I’ve never been to Heaven.”
I settled onto the bed. I slipped my shoes off, crossing my feet beneath me as I said, “Kirby knew me when I was religious. How would you describe my faith, Kirbs?”
Nia looked at them expectantly.
“Militant,” they said without hesitation. “You were cool sometimes, and obviously the best closet homosexual—”
“Pansexual.”
“—whatever. But you’d bite heads off. You were…wrathful.”
I nodded, wondering if the others would see where I was going. Kirby’s words had a settling effect, like sand floating to the bottom of a glass jar until the water purified. It was quiet, but far from clean. “I’d been trained to fight, and that’s what I did. I’d been conditioned to hate anyone or anything who argued with me. I’d been thoroughly indoctrinated through church, through family, through culture, to think that anyone who disagreed with me was trying to drag me with them to a lake of fire and sulfur.”
“We have one of those,” Az chimed.
“Don’t fuck with them,” I scolded. I looked specifically at Nia as I said, “Fauna tried the same joke. Apparently, no one knows how to read the room. But my point is, with Silas…defecting and deprogramming…they don’t happen overnight.”
