‘Spence?’
He nods, slumping onto the sofa.
‘I thought you were at Alton Towers?’
‘I was. We were.’
‘And…’ I prompt. ‘How did it go?’
He scratches behind his ear. ‘It was good.’
‘And they’re getting on?’
He nods; Spence is practically vibrating with nervous energy.
‘Yeah. I mean, Heather is trying a bit too hard, but…’ His head dips, his leg bouncing. ‘I don’t know, Al. I don’t know what to feel. I mean, she seems genuine, she’s different.’
I soften my voice. ‘Butgooddifferent?’
‘Yeah.’ He leans back against the sofa closing his eyes.
I curl my feet beneath me. ‘Well, that’s good… isn’t it?’
He turns his head towards me, opening his eyes. ‘What if this is all a big mistake? I’ve let her into our lives… What if she leaves again?’
I reach out and take his hand in mine. ‘But what if she doesn’t?’
‘I think I’m just as scared of that as I am of her leaving.’
My stomach flips at the implication of his words. The deep-seated anger that I would feel at Heather, when I’d take over the night feeds so Spence could get some sleep. The fear he had to shoulder when Georgia had a fever fit. He was only nineteen then, nineteen with a two-year-old. He’d called me at uni, sobbing down the phone. All of it comes rushing back.
‘So where are they now?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice level.
‘Hmmm? Oh. Going to buy some stationery stuff. They’ve started scrapbooking.’
I think of my handwriting in Georgia’s baby books.First Word: Da-da.
‘Spence, why are you here?’
‘I… I just got freaked out. It’s all going so well and… You should see her, Al. George. It’s like…’ He brushes a hand through his hair. ‘It’s like this light is there, now she’s let her in. It’s like she’s been missing this for her whole life, and I can’t fuck it up for her.’
There is a pang, an ache in my chest as I reach for him. ‘Spence, you are the best father, the best person I know. All of this, this is Heather’s mistake to fix. Not yours.’
He exhales long and hard. ‘I thought I was enough, but seeing George like this…’
‘Listen to me, Spence.’ I lean forwards, cupping the sides of his face. ‘You are enough. Do you hear me? You are enough. You are perfect. Perfectly you.’
Something in the air changes, and his eyes meet mine, as though he’s searching for an answer to a puzzle. There is a split second. A strange ache in the pit of my stomach. I drop my hands, smile up at him breezily and try to eradicate the charged energy around us.
‘Al…’
‘Hmmm?’ I smile up, my pulse speeding through me.
‘Am I making a mistake? With Heather?’
I want to screamYes. I want to warn him that she might rip his heart out and leave him and Georgia alone. But my throat contracts. What right do I have to say that? This could be a good thing; he’d have what he always wanted.
‘Am I making a mistake?’ The repeated question feels loaded. My throat dries, and I’m finding it hard to swallow. ‘Should I stop, before… before things go any further?’ Things… things… For a second, I’m back at Spence’s house, the week after Ryan left. His mouth on mine, the frantic pull and tear of our clothes, the way we’d fit. Then the roll of fear and regret that had made me leave in a rush. I push the images away. We both agreed it was a mistake. We were drunk. I was upset; he was…
