And stares.
I make a face.
She tilts her head toward me with her eyebrows raised.
It’s weird—she’s not saying anything, but I feel the increased pressure, and I can’t stand it anymore, so I blurt out, “Fine. Yes. We kissed.”
“Ha!”
“Once. It was...” I sigh like a lovesick middle schooler.
She leans back, eyebrows still raised.
I find the only word to describe it. “Amazing.”
“I knew it.”
“Nobody’s kissed me like that in...” I pause, trying to remember. “Nobody’s ever kissed me like that. But immediately after, we both agreed it was a mistake and it can’t happen again.”
Lennon rolls her eyes. “Oh, please.”
“Which is why I am throwing everything into making this thing with Duffy work.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” She walks back to the counter and pulls out a bag of lemons and two cartons of strawberries.
“It’s not dumb,” I say. “It’s self-preservation.”
“More like self-sabotage,” she says. “You’re settling. You like Miles. You’re both adults—why is it so complicated?”
Yeah, Claire, why is it so complicated?
I go still. “You don’t know how hard it was to recover after John left.” I look at her. “I didn’t leave my house. I got really angry and depressed. I didn’t take care of myself...” My gaze falls to the floor. “I can’t do that again, and if I let myself fall for Miles,who does not want a relationship—” I snap my jaw shut and look away, a traitorous tear giving me away.
She drops a carton of blueberries and walks around the counter and pulls me into a tight hug. “I am so,sosorry for what you went through, Claire.” She squeezes me so tight, I’m stunned frozen.
“Hug me back,” she says over my shoulder.
I laugh through fresh tears, then bring my arms up around her. I can’t remember the last time I hugged anyone or the last time anyone hugged me.
She pulls back and looks at me. “I understand your hesitation. I really do. Every time I saw a negative pregnancy test, I wanted to quit. It felt too painful to try again. But, Claire, I have to point out the obvious here.”
A tear streams down my cheek.
“You survived it,” she says. “You made it. You’re still here. More than that, you’re thriving. I mean, look at you. You gave your body and your mind and your heart time to heal, and you made a decision to start again. Do you know how amazing you are?”
I stand there dumbfounded, sitting in the remnants of her words, not sure how to process what she’s said.
“You don’t,” she says. “I can see it in your face. What you did is incredible.” She looks around. “What you’redoingis incredible. Why would you take all these amazing risks in every area of your life except the one that makes the most difference?”
I wipe my eyes, not sure how to feel about any of this. “I’m convinced that I can be happy with a safer kind of love. That’s all.” I look at her.
She smiles. “But denying yourself the happiness of falling in love—reallyfalling... it’s like driving home just when the fireworks are about to begin.”
I lean against the counter. “I don’t need fireworks. I’m okay with safe. I’m okay withfine. Duffy is a good man.” I look at her. “And he would never cheat on me.”
Lennon’s eyes go soft at the corners as she studies me. “You can’t possibly know that, Claire.”
“He’s just not the type,” I say, defensive.
