“But you lost so much time.” I imagine waiting years, maybe decades, for Daisy to be ready for us, and the thought makes me want to sink into the floor with despair.
“Not lost. I became who I needed to be for her.” Antoine rests a palm on my shoulder. “Sylvie had her arm outstretched to grab my hand and walk with me back then. But I was not prepared to take a single step, and I wouldn’t let her drag me along the path on her own.”
Just like with me and Daisy. I’m poised to go on this journey, but she’s not ready, not yet. If I want to find my way back into her life, I need to make the path clear for her to find her way back into mine and on her own terms.
I release an exasperated sigh and rub the pressure points on my eyebrows. “If your wife hasn’t told you already, that’s a pretty pain-in-the-ass move to pull.”
Antoine chuckles. “She’s informed me on many occasions.”
“How…how long do you think she would have waited for you?” I ask, but deep down, I know the answer.
Forever.
Chapter Forty-Four
Daisy, Now
I sit next to the tree like we’re two old friends taking in the view. My mom loved this spot—it’s not the highest vista of the desert, but it encompasses everything, and I think that’s why she enjoyed stopping here. The sepia-toned mountains, the flatlands, and the cluster of buildings spread out like a starburst.
“Hey, Mom,” I say, relishing the slight breeze coming from the north. Two years and almost four months ago, I scattered my mother’s ashes underneath this very tree on her favorite trail. The event was private, just for family and close friends. My dad came, and Stacey, of course, along with Gwen and Bob for emotional support.
Another gust blows, and the canopy rustles. This species looks stunning in the wind, with branches that sway in slow motion.Of all the trees my mom could have adored, the one she loved most was called a Desert Museum tree.
“Maybe someday I’ll find that funny,” I mutter. “I’m sorry it’s been a while. My schedule was more than I could handle, and I…”
Excuses, that’s all I’ve got about my absence. I promised myself I would not go months or years without visiting. The last time I visited was the morning of the two-year anniversary of her death, and that feels so long ago.
We’re in for an extensive update today. I talk about Freddie’s upcoming doctor’s appointment. About the RV Stacey and her husband want to buy. I leave out how I’m scared to say goodbye to a living creature Mom loved so much, or how angry I am that I’ll never get to see her be a retired lady. Not that I believe my mom can hear me or my thoughts anyway, because if she could, then she’s witnessing the shitshow of my life and doesn’t need a verbal report. But sitting here is the closest thing I have to talking to her, even if all I’m doing is letting my voice drift into the atmosphere.
I tell her aboutDesert Daze.
“Max suggested it. Yes,thatMax.” I can picture her face beaming with joy at his reappearance in my life. “We’re friends again. Or, we were. Then we were more than friends. Now…I fucked everything up. Like before.”
I worry my lower lip between my teeth, wishing with every cell of my being that she was here to comfort me over Max once more. She would hold me while I cried and feed me and binge-watch Netflix shows with me. Mom had the most understanding kind of love—she let me make my own choices then, and she would now, too. Although I wonder what she’d think about the messages I’ve been ignoring.
“I’m so scared of what we could have together,” I say, my voice getting quiet. “If I asked him to stay, he would. I just…” Withmy eyes trained on the horizon, I inhale deeply to temper my emotions. “I want Max to have all the good things, not change his dreams because of me. He deserves everything because…”
Well, because I love him. I love Max—yes, romantically, but also as a friend, as a person, as a mentor to those students, and as a creative. I love every version of him, and I hate the thought of him closing himself off to some other marvelous part of himself only to get bored with me. I can only ever be Daisy for him.
Just Daisy.
“I’m mad.” The dam breaks, and hot tears spill down my cheeks and onto my lap. “Not just at me, but at you, too.” Mom wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect to me. In my head, she ran The Mirage like the most knowledgeable, skilled business owner around. The HVAC mistake is more than a scratch in her shining reputation; it’s a foundational crack that makes me wonder how else she cut corners and what other ill-advised decisions she made.
“I’ve always looked up to you,” I go on. “But fixing that heat pump, I mean…what were you thinking? And the repairman told me about it, but I…this is a mistake that I have to deal with now, and I don’t know if I can fix it.”
The future I’ve been avoiding is officially knocking on the door. Possibly letting go of The Mirage makes me sick to my stomach, but the other choice is spending my life doing a job I’m not even that good at. Either I lose her all over again, or I lose myself.
“This spot free?”
The familiar voice rattles me, and I turn to see my dad. Hoping he hasn’t been standing there for too long, I swipe my hands under my eyes.
“What’re you doing here?”
“Me and Oona hike this one every once in a while.”
“Where is she?”
He nods his head down the trail. “She wanted to give us some space.”
