I left the following morning after having dreamt of his smile and the lines by his eyes and the boyish grin all night. I left with a glimpse, for the first time, into what my life could be like if I stopped waiting on my husband to love me. Or even notice me for that matter.
Lauren and Rhett had essentially imploded just a few months after that, and I didn’t see Tanner for almost an entire year. But that single night in Chicago gave me the motivation to start preparing for a life without Ethan. I started documenting everything I could. His work hours, bank records, how his parents held Winnie’s preschool tuition over my head, his location when he was at some upscale condo in Chicago.
But now, with the divorce being final, part of me expected myheart to swing open on its hinges and welcome Tanner in. But it turns out, it’s still rusted shut after a lot of years and a lot of tears. Fear has been keeping me here in Illinois, avoiding every invitation to go visit him in Michigan and his offers to come here.
The lights now burst on for the rehearsal and the herd of little girls shuffle onto the stage and take their positions. They are all out of line and squinting into the bright lights.Hands shielding their eyes, toes turned inward and smiles replaced with crinkled frowns.
“Girls!” their teacher calls out. “Check your spaces!”
The girls look side to side, and I realize Winnie is the most out of line from the rest. Maybe quitting isn’t the worst idea we have ever had. Once they run through it twice, the routine almost resembles something like an organized dance. So, their teacher sends us off to get ready and wait.
Back in the locker room, we do a lot of waiting around until we get the go-ahead to get the girls ready. Once Winnie’s dressed and her hair is nearly superglued into place, my phone begins buzzing incessantly in my pocket.
“Mom, now isn’t a great time.” I put another pin in Winnie’s bun with my phone pinched between my ear and shoulder. “I’ll meet you in our seats.”
“Do you have the tickets with you?” she asks and I look over at my purse and sure enough. The envelope is there amongst the rest of the mail from the counter that I shoved in there earlier.
“Shoot. Okay, give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”
Winnie gives me a pleading look to not leave her, but I kiss her head and head back down the hallway to the lobby where families are all piling in. I navigate through the crowd toward Lauren’s red hair and Rhett beside her. My parents are dressed up, Paul wearing the pink button up that Winnie loves and Mom found something to match him. But the person standing with them is cause for me to stop dead in my tracks.
Tanner.
In the flesh, in my old high school hallway, is Tanner Auclair. He’s wearing a henley button up despite the heat outside and a silver necklace that peeks through the buttons. His golden hair is pushed back, and those brown eyes are locked right on me. He’s sporting a new mustache andoh my Godmy heart gallops, or spirals, or whatever word they’re using these days. He has a massive bouquet of orange and pink flowers in his hands and my veins flush with heat at just the sight of him. In an instant, I realize the effect he has on my body hasn’t dulled. Not even a little bit. The closer I step, the taller he seems to stretch.
“Hey Han,” he says in a low graveled voice as I approach, and I swear to God there is not a single other person in the lobby. Just me, him and those damn dark golden eyes.
“Hi,” I say, stunned and fumbling with the envelope of tickets. I bought a bunch just in case Ethan and his family decided to show up. Which of course they didn’t. But Tanner did.
“Here.” I give the envelope to my mom. “There’re a few extra in there. Just save a spot for me, the rest can be given away.”
“Alright, we will see you in there.” Mom smiles and tugs everyone away while Tanner hangs behind.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” I tell him, forcing my eyes back to his.
“I planned on sneaking in. I didn’t want to be a distraction.” I refrain from pointing out that him looking the way he does is a distraction within itself. “I hope it’s okay that I'm here.”
I reach over and squeeze his hand, needing to touch him in some way.
“I am so glad you’re here,” I insist.
“Good. Okay. I'm going to go sit. I’ll save you a seat.” He smiles and turns to follow my family in.
“Tanner!” I call out after him, making him spin around. “I like the mustache.”
His cheeks turn pink, and he tips his head. “Thank you, ma’am.”
I turn away and walk back to the locker room in a blush tinted fog. Tanner is here, in Illinois, in my hometown, in my old high school and he brought flowers for my daughter. My heart is pounding something furious in my chest as I find Winnie sitting by herself, swinging her legs on the bench while the moms have the other girls practicing the dance.
“Alright littles, you’re up first. Moms, you can go ahead to your seats.”
I hug Winnie. “I am so proud of you for sticking this out.”
She smiles. “I like the dress.”
“Can I get you to do one more year for the dress again?”
She gives me a look that tells me I should know better. “Right. Okay. You got this.”
