He tips his head forward just enough that I could purse my lips and meet his.
“Whichever you require.”
A single movement could end our friend agreement, but my heart and my mind continue this helpless battle, and my mind wins again as I blink my heart straight and turn my face, a shuttering breath escapes me.
“If you don’t want me, you just need to say the word.” His voice is hoarse in my ear, and it cracks a piece of my heart. “I know we have this thing, and that we have had this thing, but Hannah, if you actually want me to back off, tell me right nowand I swear I’ll stop. Or better yet, tell me you do want this. Tell me you just need time, but you want this. I’ll wait Hannah. Tell me there’s still hope and I’ll wait for you forever.”
When I don’t say anything, when I stand there with all my fake stoicism, allowing my silence to lie for me, he laughs. It isn’t a funny laugh. It’s a sad pleading one as he nods with a hand dragging down his face. “I should get back.”
“Tanner, I just have so much baggage?—”
“I’m not scared of it,” he states matter-of-factly.
He reaches around me, grabs my bags and heads upstairs without another word. I don’t follow him up. Instead, I just stand here, wishing I could find a way to prove to him that this wouldn’t work, and that it doesn’t matter what we feel. I wish I could show him that there are logistics to this that aren’t ignorable. Especially with kids. And with me. It’s never easy when it’s me, he just doesn’t see it yet. They always see it eventually.
Tanner comes back down, and I am fully ready to tell him just that and maybe he senses it, because he stops about ten feet in front of me this time, showing more self-restraint than he has all summer. I can see the struggle in his clenched jaw and matching fists.
“I'm not willing to lose you.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “We will talk later, but you’re my friend and I'm not going to lose you.” He nods like he’s reassuring himself as turns back toward the shop.
Not only do I need to convince him to stop falling for me, but I also need to convince myself to stop falling for him, even though I am afraid it is far too late for both of us.
19
For an entire week, I do everything in my power to make sure Tanner sees how much easier his life is without me. I spend my time dropping Winnie off at the Y, and helping Lauren with wedding and baby planning. We have almost the entire ceremony and reception planned, and their spare room situated into something almost resembling a nursery.
When coming and going from the apartment, I try to keep my eyes from slipping over to the auto shop, searching for golden hair. He almost caught me once when he was eating on the curb. I had directed Winnie to the car quickly and pretended like my heart didn’t lurch in my chest.
Yet, throughout the entire week, my mind is wrapped up in the way Tanner looked at me in the parking lot. The way his eyes outlined the traces of my body. The way his finger laced goosebumps up and down my side. I think about it in the shower, when I am alone in bed at night. I think about it when I’m at the grocery store buying beer and juice boxes, or when I’m drinking iced tea with Lauren on her back deck soaking in the sun.
I had come so close to making everything a lot more complicated in the parkinglot after the pool. A part of me hopedthat a week might put it all into perspective and help me remember why I’m here. But my mind seems happy to retrace the path Tanner’s fingers took up and across my skin.
“Hannah.” Lauren’s voice cuts through my daze. “That mug has never been cleaner.”
I look down and rinse it again before setting it on the counter.
She narrows her eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course.”
I don’t have it in me to analyze what she’s thinking. What she knows or wants to know. I keep myself busy with the dishes until she comes up and leans against the counter in my way.
“If you want to talk about it?—”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I tell her.
“Something happened. I just need to figure out what.”
“Your search will be fruitless.”
She rolls her eyes. “I'm going to go take a shower before Rhett gets back from the store.”
“Good. You stink.” I hit her with the towel, and she laughs up the stairs.
I am finishing wiping the counter when the front door swings open.
“Oh, you’re here,” Tanner says, the corner of his mouth turning up into a small grin.
“Do you always just show up unannounced everywhere?”
