Instead of an elbow in my ribs or a leg across my neck, I wake to find that my bed is empty. When I peek through her door, the morning sunlight glows over Winnie's peaceful sleeping face. Her snores are ever so gentle, and her stuffed animal is tucked up under her chin. I carefully close her door and start the coffee, already missing her.
Then it hits me. For the first time I am on my own.
I am not living in a dorm with hundreds of other girls, I'm not living in a house with my husband, I'm not living with my parents or my sister. I am in my own place. I'm not sure what makes me happier: the fact that I am on my own, or the fact that I simply have the choice to be alone.
I sip my coffee and take it with me into the shower. The morning is slow and sleepy. When Winnie finally wakes up, we sit on the couch in our pajamas, watch cartoons and talk about summer camp starting in just a few days. She cuddles under my arm and there is no place I would rather be.
At some point Winnie gets up, gets a juice box and brings it for me to open and then cuddles back under my arm.
“You know what we need to do?” I kiss her head. “We need togo to the grocery store. Somehow all the food you bought with Uncle Rhett isn’t real food.”
Winnie peeks up at me smiling. “Yes it is.”
“PopTarts, Cheetos and juice boxes are not the only thing we can live on. We need like, chicken, at least. So go get dressed.”
I throw on a sundress that Ethan hated and push my hair back with my sunglasses. Winnie comes out wearing a purple skirt, a Chicago Cubs T-shirt, a green bow in her hair and her plastic purse on her shoulder.
When I turn the corner out of the cereal aisle, and I'm met with warm brown eyes and blonde hair.
“Hannah and Winnie!” Mayben smiles. “How are you? How’s the new place?”
“Good!” Winnie answers. “There’s a bacon knee.”
“Balcony.”
Mayben laughs. “Tanner told me that you’re going to be here all summer, is that right?”
Winnie nods. “Yup. And I'm going to YMCA.”
A look flashes on Mayben’s face and I'm not quite sure what it is. Confusion? Concern? It’s gone so quickly I think I must have mistaken it.
“You’re going to love it,” Mayben tells her. “My brother and I grew up going there. I liked the swimming the best and Tannerliked helping in the gardens out back. He always came home dirty.”
“He wasn’t dirty yesterday.” Winnie laces her fingers through the metal cart.
“Yesterday?”
“Yeah, when he helped us move in. He carried my bags and was on the bacon knee with Mommy.”
“Balcony.” I correct again, trying to will my cheeks to not turn pink.
“Huh.” The corner of Mayben’s mouth quirks. “I was wondering why he was so late to the party.”
“Late?”
“He showed up like an hour and half late. He said he was working late, but I knew he was in too good of a mood to have just come from work.” She winks at Winnie. “I should go. It was nice seeing you guys.”
It’s only as we say goodbye that I see a pregnancy test under the frozen pizza box in Mayben’s basket.
When we get back to the apartment, I give Winnie a few lighter bags to carry up and she lets out a disgruntled sigh.
“What?”
“Can’t Tan help carry them up?” She tips her head toward the auto shop. “It’s so hot.”
I glance up and see Tanner sitting on the back curb with a few other guys in coveralls, all smiling.
“He’s busy at work,” I tell her and nudge her forward.
