“Why didn’t Tan come say hi?” Winnie asks and I bite my cheek.
“He couldn’t stay long,” I tell her. “Besides it’s your bath and bedtime. We have a very big day ahead of us tomorrow.”
She grumbles up the steps and grumbles when it’s time to get out of the bath. But there are no grumbles when she gets to crawl into Lauren’s bed.
“What did he give you?” I ask when I join Lauren back on the couch downstairs. It’s a moment before I realize she’s crying.
“What’s wrong?”
She hands me the folded handkerchief and the note within it.
L—
When my mom got engaged, she learned to cross stitch. She put J.A. for Joanna Atwood. After, she realized she did the J backwards. So, it was L.A. She thought it was funny and used it anyway on her wedding day. Or maybe she knew I would find you and make you an Atwood one day. I love you. Can’t wait to spend the rest of my lifeshowing you how much.
—R
Then we are both crying on the couch because damn, does she finally deserve a love like this.
Lauren and I crawl into her bed later and Winnie happily snuggles between us, clinging to Tanner Sheep who barely survived the dry cycle. I hear my phone buzz on the side table and I almost ignore it, thinking maybe it’s Mom asking another question about the wedding. When I peek, I see it’s a text from Tanner.
Tanner: goodnight Han.
I stare at the screen. I check to see if he actually sent it or if it’s an old message. But he did send it. He did send it and I can’t get myself to respond. I wipe the tear away and try to pretend to be asleep while Winnie and Lauren giggle in the dark about Winnie doing a spin down the aisle tomorrow. I try to pretend half of my heart isn’t miles away in a little white house on the top of a hill.
42
The morning comes after just a few restless hours of tossing and turning. Lauren and I sit around drinking coffee while Winnie talks, again, about the animals on her and Tan’s farm.
Once Mayben, Gwen, and Elyse arrive, Lauren passes out satin blue robes. Hers is adorned withAtwood, across the heart in pretty loopy letters. Winnie wears one that hangs too big on her and she sits amongst the “big girls” while she swings her feet happily, sipping a glass of chocolate milk with a big splash of coffee in it. “For a special treat,” Lauren told her.
We spend our morning eating treats and getting ready in any mirror we can find. We play music, drink mimosas and talk about how excited we all are to crawl into bed tonight while Winnie laments about Fish-Tanner not being invited.
Then, the caterers and flowers arrive and are set up outside under Mom and Myranda’s close supervision. Soon this small wedding transforms into an entire production that Lauren keeps her nose out of, letting Myranda and Mom fight all the last-minute battles together.
Lauren slips on her dress, and it looks like her belly has popped again overnight. The lacey fabric drapes just perfectly so when she turns there is no missing the bump. It’s perfect.
My dress is the palest shade of blue, and it falls across my body in a way I’m not used to. A few of my sundresses are a slim fit, but this? If the Fourth of July dress drew attention, this one will knock that out of the park. It’s strapless and hugs every inch of my body. Lauren swore she had the perfect dress for me and ordered it without showing me. I had tried it on when it came in a couple weeks ago, but somehow it looks different now.
Elyse pops her head over my shoulder and looks me up and down in the mirror. “This is so hot.”
I smooth down the fabric again and fight the panic that bubbles up. If Tanner were still trying to break the rules, then this would have been my ace. And damn it, this should have been my ace.
Mom comes over and for a moment, her commandment of every hired hand falters when she sees Lauren and me. Her stoic eyes are laced with a softness that suits her.
“My beautiful girls.” She shakes her head.
“It’s about time. Looks like everyone is here,” Myranda calls from downstairs.
Mom snaps back into her zone, making sure the flowers are distributed and everyone is lined up in the proper order. The bouquets are the most perfect mix of white and greenery. All I can think as I hold them is that these came from Tanner’s farm. That he picked them, and these stems have touched his hands more recently than I have. And I’m jealous—a deep-seated, seething jealousy. Of damn flowers.
Winnie has no worry in the world as she twirls in her powder blue dress and hums a little song to herself, that sounds awfully likeSantana. but my stomach is in my knees. Not for thewedding, but at the idea of walking down an aisle toward Tanner and it being the only time and not the way I want.
“Are we ready?” Myranda asks then gives the okay to the string quartet to begin to play, then releases the bridesmaids one at a time.
“Don’t be nervous Mommy,” Winnie pipes up behind me. “You look so pretty.”
“Thank you bug.” I smooth a curl into place on her head. “So do you.”
