No. No. No.
I reach up and press my lips against his, hoping it makes him feel something. Anything. It’s fucked up and not okay. I keep telling myself to make up my mind. That I can’t continue leading him on like this. But what do I do the moment he threatens to walk away?
I kiss him.
I don’t know what else to do. All I know is this desperate achy feeling spreading through my chest, screaming at me not to let him walk away. I can’t lose Gabriel. Not like this.
Gabriel doesn’t kiss me back.
His body is rigid. His hands keep me firmly in place. I fall back to my feet and tear my eyes away.
It hurts. Seeing him closed off like this. I open my mouth to protest, to deny his words and the chasm I feel opening up between us, but nothing comes out.
My words catch in my throat like thorns, and I'm left speechless, suffocating from the pain that steadily builds inside of me.
I’ve really lost him. This is it. The final nail in the coffin.
Tears blur my vision, and I try to blink them away, but they overflow, trailing down my face in rivulets that I know areruining my makeup. I can’t find it in me to care. My chest feels like it’s breaking, like my ribs are being cracked open and my heart is being shredded within its depths.
Gabriel’s thumb gently brushes against my cheek, and his touch is both a comfort and a torment. I … I don’t want to lose him.
Why did it take this very moment for me to realize that?
"I think I will always love you, Cecilia Russo," he whispers, and my heart splinters more. "But?—"
"No!" I choke out, my voice raw with anguish. "No.” My lungs heave with each of my breaths. “I was wrong. I—" I was so wrong. He can’t agree with me. He just can’t. Things will get better. We’ll be better. He can’t?—
Choking on a sob, I find myself wrapped in Gabriel's arms, held close against his chest, my cries resonating against him. The fabric of his dress shirt soaks up my tears as if it can absorb the pain I feel.
My fingers clutch at him, desperate to hold on, to keep him from slipping away.
"You weren't wrong," he murmurs against my hair. His voice is steady, but his hold on me tightens. "We can't keep pretending that we can fix each other. That being together alone can make either one of us whole. And I can’t pretend I’m okay only being your friend. I’m not. I don’t want this.”
“We can try," I cry harder into his chest. “You said that you loved me. Why won’t you try being my friend?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to offer him more. To beg for him to take me back, but it wouldn’t be right. Not like this.
Gabriel tilts my chin up, forcing me to look into his eyes. The anger has receded, leaving only tenderness and regret in his gaze. “Love isn't enough, baby girl,” he says, his voice heavy with remorse. “I wish it was, but it just isn’t. And we …” He hesitates.“We need to heal. We need space.” He throws my own words from before back at me.
I collapse into his embrace, the weight of his words crushing me. The realization that we're breaking apart tears me in two, leaving behind a hollow ache in my chest.
"I don't think I can be whole without you," I whisper, clinging to him as if his strength is the only thing keeping me from falling. “I tried. I thought I could do it on my own before, but I can’t.” Telling him this is selfish and wrong, but I need him in my life.
I was wrong before. I never should have pushed him away.
Gabriel squeezes me tighter. “You’ll find a way," he promises softly, his voice shaky but determined. “We both will.”
I wish I could feel an ounce of the confidence he does. But all I feel is the searing ache of loss and regret.
I did this to us. He’s walking away because of me. My fault. My mistake.
After a couple of minutes, he releases his hold and nudges me towards Felix. Some form of silent communication passes between them, and with one final look, he turns and walks away.
I take a step in his direction but Felix wraps a tentative arm around my shoulders, stopping me. “Let him go,” he says as we both watch Gabriel climb onto his bike, turn on the ignition, and drive away.
I choke on a sob.
“Don’t cry.” He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “It’ll be okay. He’s hurting. Give him time to blow off some steam.” I don’t miss the fact that he doesn’t say Gabriel will change his mind or that he’ll come around.
