“Fine.” I told Gabriel I needed to work on myself. That I don’t want to be broken.
I can’t rely on him to be the glue holding my cracks together. Joining the swim team is a start. And making a new friend is another step in the right direction.
Deep down, I know talking about everything that happened to me is something I can’t avoid forever. Like Adriana said, how am I supposed to move past all this if I don’t talk about it?
I might as well make today my day to try.
“But after today, if I want you to drop it, you will?”
She nods.
“Okay.”
“Very good. Would you like to dive into the deep end or wade in the shallows for a bit?”
Turning my attention back to her, I consider the question. Wading in the shallows is only going to prolong the pain. I’d much rather rip off the band-aid and get this over with. So, I guess I’m diving in.
“You already know that I tried to unalive myself,” I tell her and she nods. As far as she’s aware, it’s the sole reason for me being here. “Well, a little over a month before I slit my wrists ...” I swallow past the lump in my throat. Say it. You just have to say those three words out loud. Come on. You can do this.
I take in a shuddering breath.
“I was raped.” There, I said it.
My confession takes Dr. Walker by surprise. I can see it in her eyes. The way she looks at me. There’s so much unspoken apology in her softening gaze. I’m drowning beneath the weight of it. I can’t look at her for more than a few seconds. Any longer and I’m going to lose my nerve.
Rip it off.
“It was at a frat party over summer break. Three guys were involved.” She pales, but I ignore her reaction. I need to get all of it out on the table. If I stop or slow down, I’ll choke on the words. “Two of them forced me to perform oral. The third raped me fully, but I was drugged, so I don’t know the particulars of everything he did to me.” I shrug. “After he put me on the bed is when it all sort of went black.”
She swallows hard, probably trying to gather her words, but I’m not finished. Not yet.
“The next morning, I woke up in an unfamiliar bed with bruises on my body and cum between my legs. The third guy, the one who raped me, he came into the room shortly after I woke up when I was still trying to get my bearings.” My laugh is hollow. “He suggested we get our stories straight.” I clench my teeth, renewed anger coursing through my veins and I latch onto it. “I thought he was insane. He was so freaking sure of himself, and all I could think about was how I needed to get away from him. How I had to get out of that room.”
I’m shaking now, struggling to keep it together.
“He let me go. Warned me to keep my mouth shut and then sent me on my way.” I grimace. “Not that I listened. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I told one of my friends. She convinced me to go to my campus administration. It happened on campus grounds and we’re both students at PacNorth University. I didn’t want them to get away with it, but I also didn’t want to draw a bunch of unwanted attention.”
“Your father’s election?” she pries.
A single tear slips past my defenses, and I hastily swipe it away. “Yeah. I’m sure you can imagine what the media is like when they get wind of something like that during an election year. It’s never pretty.” Not for people like me. “Going to admin, it wasn’t ideal. I wanted them to get arrested. To go to jail. But I’m not stupid. I know the chances of that, so I figured, if they were kicked out of school, if they lost their positions on the soccer team, it’d be something.” At the time, I convinced myself it would be enough.
“And what came of it?”
With my eyes closed, I whisper a single word. “Nothing.”
She’s quiet until I open my eyes. “There was no punishment for any of the boys?”
Baring my teeth in a grimace, I shake my head. “Not even a slap on the wrist.”
She nods, scribbling something down on her notepad. “Have you told your parents?”
I shake my head. “No. Why would I? No one believed me,” I tell her. “When the guys were brought in, they said I made it up. They said I was drunk. That I threw myself at them. Not once did any of them deny what they did to me. But they made it sound like I wanted it. Like I was only mad after the fact because I regretted my own decision.”
I sniff. “Even my own friends turned their backs on me after that. So no, I never told my parents. I can’t take the idea of them finding out and not believing me, too.”
Dr. Walker jots something else down on her notepad before setting it aside.
“Was the assault your reason for attempting to take your own life?”
