I can’t.
I’m not ready.
I just can’t.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Allie
More time passes. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to go to school. I was an idiot.
It’s been three days since. Maybe four. I don’t know for certain and I try not to care. There’s a knock at the door and I sigh, but when I roll over to tell Janessa to go away, my breath freezes in my lungs.
Julio steps inside, Janessa right behind him. “Allie,” she hedges.
I swallow hard and push up into a sitting position, clutching my blankets tight to my chest. “What are you doing here?” I whisper, my eyes zeroed in on Julio as he stands just inside my room.
His dark brown eyes soften and he takes a step toward me. I lock up with that one small movement. He stops and turns to Janessa, a question in his gaze.
“She has a hard time with men right now.”
He nods. Taking a step back, he leans against the wall before sliding down to the floor and folding his hands in his lap. “Hey,” he tries again.
I shift in my bed, putting a few more inches between us. “Hi.”
Janessa hovers in the doorway. “Do you want me to stay?” she asks.
I take a deep breath. Exhale. Then take another one and shake my head. “I… no. I’m okay.”
She nods but doesn’t look convinced.
“I’ll stay right here for however long she needs,” he tells her. “I won’t push.”
“I’ll be right downstairs if you need me,” she tells me and then pulls the door shut behind her.
Julio and I stare at one another for several seconds before he finally breaks the silence. “Are you okay?”
That one question has my eyes brimming with tears. I look away and swipe at my cheeks.
“Fuck, Allie.” Julio hangs his head, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. “I…” He looks at me, his eyes stark and raw with pain. “I don’t know what to say. How to fix this.”
I choke on a laugh. “She told you?”
He nods. “I tried calling you a few times but your phone kept going to voicemail. Then this chick calls me out of nowhere asking if I’d be willing to come here for a few days. See if I can help.” He shrugs. “Allie, when she told me what happened to you. What you went through…”
My eyes sting and shame blossoms in my chest. Pressing my lips into a tight line I look down at the covers clenched between my fingertips. He must think I’m so weak. So dirty.
“Hey.”
I don’t look up.
“Hey!”
I shake my head. I don’t want to see the pity or disgust I know must be in his gaze. If Julio looks at me differently… I can’t handle this anymore.
“Allie. Babe. I love you. You are my best friend. Let me be here for you.”
A tear slips down my cheek and I furiously swipe it away. “You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him.
