Luis chooses that moment to wake, and I silently curse myself for my little outburst. Rushing over to his crib that’s positioned beside my bed, I lean down to pick him up, rocking him in my arms while making soft cooing sounds. A quick glance at the clock shows me I need to leave in fifteen minutes. If I’m late for my first day of school, so be it. Luis is more important, and I cherish these moments when it’s only the two of us so much.
He’s nine months old now, and my days of nursing my sweet little boy are numbered, especially with going back to school. I planned on getting my GED when we returned to Sun Valley, knowing Suncrest Academy would never take me back, but the public high school decided they’d accept my online alternative school credits. Surprisingly, I’m not as far behind as I thought, so I’ll have the pleasure of attending Sun Valley High. Yay. Can you sense my sarcasm?
If I survive the last six months of senior year, I get to graduate. Mom thinks it’ll be good for me. To find a sense of normalcy and be a teenager again. As if it’s that easy. The thought of leaving Luis, even just for classes, is a hard pill to swallow. In such a short amount of time, this little boy has become my entire universe.
I sigh and hug him close as he nurses. These moments are special. I know that. And despite having his face memorized, I still get lost staring into his eyes and have to stifle a smile at how unlike me my own son looks. His eyes are a dark rich brown unlike my cerulean blue. His hair a softer shade of chestnut than my raven black. He even has his father’s full lips and straight brows that make him look like he’s scowling more often than not.
But he’s precious, and he’s mine.
A pang of regret hits me in the chest when I think of how he might never know his father, who might never have him to show him how to throw a football or work on a car. I want those things for my son. I want him to grow up with two parents who love him. He deserves the full package. But…I don’t know who his father is. Not by name. And a physical description doesn’t get you very far.
When I found out I was pregnant, I had no way of finding the boy I gave a piece of myself to. No way of letting him know he was about to become a dad. All I know about him is that he lived in Sun Valley. And when I told Mom as much after those two little pink lines appeared, she decided it was for the best to just forget all about him.
A thrum of nervous energy courses through me at the possibility of seeing him again. Every time I leave the house, I scan the faces of the people around me, hoping for a glimpse of the boy who inadvertently changed my life forever.
He said he’d ruin me for any man who came after him. He wasn’t lying. Even after all this time, I still think back to that night. To the way he made me feel. Maybe I’ve built it up in my mind. I don’t know. But what I do know is that he left a mark. I realized that even before I found out I was pregnant.
Luis finishes nursing and I make quick work of burping him and changing his diaper before picking out his outfit for the day—a pair of soft black cotton pants and a red onesie—and head to the kitchen where I know my mother is waiting for me.
She sees me as soon as I step into the room, and her smile brightens when she catches sight of Luis in my arms. “Oh, he’s awake.” She holds her arms out. “Come to Grandma, amorzinho,” she coos. My little love. I can’t help my smile. She used to call me that when I was a little girl.
Luis pulls away from her at first. He can be clingy when he first wakes up, but after a few more softly spoken words and some bribery in the form of a banana, he relents.
Handing him to her, I grab apão de queijo—a baked cheese roll, just as a honk outside alerts me that my ride is here.
“There’s breastmilk in the freezer and I have my phone on me. If he gets too fussy. I can always—”
“Go, Bibiana. We’ll be fine,” my mom tells me. I hesitate for a moment before the sound of the horn again jerks me into motion. I give Luis a kiss on the cheek, grab my breakfast, and head for the door. “Call me if—”
“Yes. I know,minha filha. I raised you, and you turned out fine. Stop worrying. Go. Have fun.”
Fun isn’t the word I would use to describe high school, but I keep my feelings to myself and hurry outside.
Jaejun Yu—Jae for short—is standing in my driveway beside a sleek, cherry red Acura TLX. He grins when he looks up from his phone and realizes I’m there before he rushes around to the passenger side to open my door.
“Thanks.” I offer him a tight smile and slide into the passenger seat, tucking my backpack between my legs on the floor as he jogs around the car to get back in. I hate when he does that. I know he’s being chivalrous or whatever, but it still feels weird. Like it means something more than it should.
“You all set?” he asks, a smile on his too-handsome face. He leans forward and tucks a strand of my curly black hair behind my ear, lingering a second longer than he should before settling back in his seat. “You look beautiful, Bibi.”
I fight my grimace and mutter out a thank you as I buckle my seat belt.
Don’t get me wrong, Jae is great. He’s kind and handsome and he’s always there to lend a helping hand like right now, taking me to school when he doesn’t even go to Sun Valley High. He isn’t even in high school. He graduated two years ago, so why he insists on driving me and wasting his time when I know he has classes at Suncrest U that he’ll be late for baffles me.
I sound ungrateful. I should probably work on that. It’s just that Jae tries really hard. All the time. We met at one of my mom’s boyfriend’s—Miguel’s—work events and we sort of hit it off. But in the let’s be best friend’s way, not the I want to date you way. I thought we were on the same page, but the more and more we’re around one another, I get the feeling that we’re not.
I have no idea why he’s even remotely interested in me. He’s interning with Miguel’s security firm while he finishes his degree, and he has his entire life laid out in front of him. Everything meticulously planned to ensure success.
He even has his own townhouse at twenty. He bought it when he was eighteen as an investment property shortly after graduation. Even as a teenager he had a plan. He’s smart. Responsible. Has a good head on his shoulders and probably has health insurance.
Meanwhile, I’m an eighteen-year-old single mom with zero plans for my future beyond making it to graduation. I want to do something with my life, sure. But I’m still very much in survival mode here. I don’t have the mental capacity to focus on anything or anyone beyond school and Luis and, let’s be honest, he could do so much better than me.
Mom likes to nudge me in his direction every chance she gets, but…I sigh. I’m not ready for that.
Jae’s an exotic kind of good-looking. Half Korean and half Italian, he has hazel eyes and dark brown hair worn long on top in a bun and shaved on the sides. He turns more than a few heads when he enters a room, and there is zero question as to why. His cheekbones are high and sharp, his jawline angular, and there’s just something striking about him that makes it hard to look away.
But I don’t have time for a relationship. And even if I did, I’m not sure I want one. No matter how much my mother pushes or how much I try to convince myself that I should give him a chance, I’m not ready to jump back on that particular horse. With my luck, the next person I sleep with will get me pregnant too. I snort. Okay, probably not thanks to the wonderful IUD I got after Luis was born, but still. Accidents happen and while I wouldn’t trade Luis for anything in the world, my days of being reckless are over. No more unplanned pregnancies for me, thank you very much.
I haven’t been with anyone since Luis’s father. Pathetic, I know. I get one night of incredibly reckless sex only to become a spinster afterward. It’s unfair. I grit my teeth and silently curse him. Thinking back on that night all this time later, my skin still prickles with heat, my body still desperate and longing for him. It’s naive of me to think one day our paths will cross again. I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from looking. The little girl inside of me still believes in fairy tales regardless of how stupid it sounds. I think a teeny, tiny piece of me will always wonder what would happen if I saw him again? If he knew about Luis?
