It was then that I noticed the tube running down from my mouth.
The hand holding mine belonged to Jared, who looked more scared than I had ever seen him.
He noticed my eyes widen at the sight of it. His voice cracked as he explained, “Baby, your heart had another episode, and now you are on a ventilator, I wasn’t sure if you would wake up.”
Tears ran down my face, and the sight of them made him cry too.
“Don’t cry, Delilah—I’m right here,” he said softly.
I tried to speak but it hurt like hell and the sound I made wasn’t understandable.
“Shhh, don’t speak—here, I grabbed this from the gift shop,” he said, and slid a small pad beneath my hand. The pen he pressed into my fingers was cold and slick. “You can write to me, okay?”
Just then I noticed a person sitting in the chair in the corner. I immediately wrote on the pad, “Hannah?”
He nodded yes, and my best friend wobbled to my bedside. She looked so beautiful. She was glowing, pregnancy suited her, and her shoes made the softest squeak on the waxed floor, and the sound did something to me, like it made the room real again.
Knowing she was supposed to be on bed rest, I was concerned and wrote, “baby?”
She read the pad and smiled. “Jared called us when you had the episode during your surgery and put us on the next flight to Chicago. My OBGYN has a colleague at this hospital in case I go early, but any day now our daughter will be here…would you like to know what name we decided?”
I managed a small nod.
She smiled and replied, “Delilah…after my sister, the bravest, strongest, kindest woman I’ve ever met.”
My hands shook with joy. What an honor. I placed my hand on her belly and felt the tiny heels of her feet kick.Hi little Delilah,I said in my mind.
“Sweetheart,” Jared said.
“The extent of the damage…the doctor said you will never breathe on your own again."
Emotion stopped his words from forming. Then he tried again.
“I know we had a deal, that if it ever came down to this, needing life support, that I’d…I’d let you go,” he said painfully. “Is that still what you want, my love?”
I shut my eyes because the tears forming began to sting.
This life would not allow me to have him, my husband. And now I needed to let him go. I had no idea what the Guardians would do with my soul once I passed. This choice was never about Jared versus Danny. It was about me. About a woman who had spent too long surviving things done to her. For once, I would not be the patient. Not the possession. Not the vessel. I would be the decision. For once in my life I would have a say over my own body. For once, my body would belong to me—and me alone.
I wrote on the pad, “yes.”
They both looked at each other. Hannah’s lips quivered and Jared’s breath faltered. He took a deep breath and replied, “I’m going to step out and let you
and Hannah have some time, then I will be back, okay, my love?”
I responded with a slight nod.
I watched him leave and Hannah spoke.
“I don’t think I could have survived what we went through without you,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I know what you did for me, in that house. I would have never made it without you.”
The tears rolled, and I nodded. Her voice choked.
“I think God brought us together to make sure we survived, but I just don’t know why he’s taking you from me now.”
On the pad I wrote, “It’s okay, I hurt.”
“I know you’re in pain, and you have been for a long time. I’m sorry we grew apart in recent years, having three kids has a way of eating up all of your time—but I love you, Lila. I will forever be grateful that our paths crossed. Watch over little Delilah for me…okay?” she said with a broken voice, tears streaming from her eyes into her mouth. She kissed my hand and wiped her tears.
