Maybe it’s the exhaustion, or my fragile emotions. I don't think I really believe it. But this won’t be the last day this happens. And when she gets older, there will be unlimited new versions of terrible days. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, let alone someone who wasn’t even involved in the decision to have a child.
As much as he may think he wants this, as much as he might love us both–he has no obligation to do any of this. No matter how much time he spends with us, that will always be true.There’s nothing to stop him from deciding that this is too much and walking away, and that will always be in the back of my mind. He has no obligation to stay. And I can’t ask him to.
Maybe love isn't enough.
When it finally feels safe, I lay her down in her crib and exit the room as quickly and quietly as possible. I stand in the hallway for several long minutes, justknowingthat the crying will start up again any minute.
When it doesn’t, my shoulders sag with relief before immediately tensing up again with guilt. What kind of mother is relieved to have a break from her child?
Overwhelmed with the sense that I’m going to be in a million lose-lose situations before my life is over, I walk defeatedly into my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed and dropping my head into my hands.
I feel him before I see him. Lifting my head, I come face to face with those impossibly patient gray eyes, and the man they belong to, kneeling in front of me.
“Jack, I can’t do this,” I whisper.
“Hey,” he says softly. “I know it might feel like it today, but it’s not true. Youdiddo it. You survived today. You’re the best mom in the world, and she is so lucky to have you. One hard day doesn’t change that.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I can’t dothis.”
I gesture between the two of us, my chest tightening with every passing second. “Wecan’t do this.”
“Why is that?” he says, frowning slightly.
My head droops down again, tears welling in my eyes.
“Because this isn’t your job. You didn’t sign up for this. I mean, look at today. It was miserable, and awful, and I’ve been nothing but mean to you since the second you walked through the door tonight. It’s all I can do to simply survive some days, I don’tthink I have bandwidth for anything else. You deserve more than that. I know you care for us, but I can’t ask you to do this.”
“You’re not asking,” he murmurs, running his hands comfortingly up and down my thighs. “I’m offering. And I’ll keep offering, for as long as you want.”
“This is about whatyouwant,” I argue. “You can’t possibly want to give your life up for your dead best friend’s widow and baby. What about a love of your own? A child of your own? Surely you’ve dreamed of that.”
“I want you to listen to me very carefully,” he says slowly, lifting my chin with his forefinger. “You're not just 'my dead best friend's widow.'Youare my best friend. And I want this. All of it. The good days, and the hard ones. Forever.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he presses a finger to my lips.
“I’m not done. You ask if I want a love of my own, a child of my own.” He scoffs, shaking his head like he’s never heard something so ridiculous.
“Erin might not be mine, but I’m hers. And I’m yours, pretty girl. Don’t you get that?” He takes my hand, moving it from my face to his and placing a gentle kiss on the inside of my wrist. “I never had a dream life planned out for myself. But this?” He kisses my cheek. “Us?” He brushes his mouth over my other cheek. “That baby girl in there?” A soft kiss on the tip of my nose. “That’sa dream come true.”
A small sob breaks through when his lips touch mine.
“You’re right, this isn’t my job,” he says, wiping my tears away. “It’s the honor of a lifetime. You aren’t asking me to do anything, I’m choosing to. And I will choose this, I will chooseyou, every single day for as long as you’ll let me.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I sob, and he moves next to me on the bed, wrapping me up and holding me tight.
“You deserve everything, pretty girl,” he murmurs against my hair. “Everything and more. I’m going to do my best to give it to you.”
He slides an arm under my knees and lifts me up, settling us both onto the bed and pulling the duvet up over us as I cling to him like my life depends on it. And maybe it does.
“I love you, Abby,” he says, holding me as tightly as I’m holding him.
“For as long as I want?” I ask in a small voice. I can feel his chest vibrate as he chuckles quietly.
“For as long as you want. And I hope it’s forever.”
“I do, too,” I say, tilting my head up to kiss him. “I love you, Jack Robb. And don’t you forget it.”
His mouth curves into a smile even as it's pressed against mine. I burrow my head into his chest, and he tells me over and over how much he loves me. It’s the sweetest lullaby I’ve ever heard.
