“I have something to tell you,” I say through my tears. “And I hope you don’t hate me for it."
“I never thought I would love anyone ever again. Never imagined dating, or meeting someone new, or even considering someone filling the hole you left. And I guess I didn’t–he’s not new, there was no dating, and he honors the space that your love will always fill. Because he’s our best friend.”
The tears on my face feel cold in the slight breeze that plays across the graveyard, the flowers and the leaves in the trees dancing in the current.
“I don’t exactly know how it happened, but it did. No one will ever replace you, Aaron. And he’s not trying to. He would never."
“But my heart made more room, I think. It wasn’t there before, but now he’s rooted deep in my soul, and I don’t think I could fight it if I tried."
“He loves Erin so fiercely, honey. I need you to know that. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see her. She is so much like you.”
I laugh through my sobs, picturing the way Erin’s face lights up with her dad’s smile, his dark hair a stark contrast to the pale skin and green eyes she inherited from me.
“She’s the happiest baby I’ve ever met,” I gush. “She’s so smart, and somehow so kind already. He is wrapped around her finger. And she loves him, too. So do I.”
I let the confession hang in the air–the silence not awkward or uncomfortable, but peaceful. Hopeful.
“And he loves you,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from the long pause and the overwhelming emotion. “He misses you every day. I know he talks to you. I’m sorry I don’t do that more.”
I trail my fingers across his grave, breathing in the earthy scent of the grass and soil.
“I don’t know what happens now,” I say. “But I’m going to tell him I love him. I’m going to see what happens when I let the light back in. And I hope with every fiber of my being that I’m doing the right thing. That you’d be okay with this.”
With a swoop, a red cardinal lands on his tombstone. My breath catches, and I try not to move for fear of scaring it off. But it doesn’t fly away when it notices me. It just stares, blinking slowly. With an overwhelming peace that permeates through my very soul, I can almost feel Aaron’s hand in the breeze, stroking my hair in comfort. I can almost hear his voice, whispering sweetly in my ear, “It’s okay, Abs. I’m okay.”
“Hi, honey,” I murmur softly, gaze transfixed on the scarlet beauty. “I love you.”
The bird chirps at me once before unfurling its wings and taking flight again.
My whole life, I’ve heard that red cardinals symbolize a loved one coming down from heaven to check on you. And my whole life, I’ve thought it was cheesy, and cringey–something someone made up to avoid facing their loss.
I don’t think that anymore.
Chapter 48
Jack
Ten Months
The house is silent when I finally,finally, get home around 3 a.m., and I wander down the hallway to the nursery to find Abby asleep in the chair next to the crib, Erin’s hand wrapped around her finger through the slats. I watch them for a few minutes, silently thanking whatever God might be out there that I’m lucky enough to love these two pretty girls.
The overnight shifts are the worst–I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone (or someones)so bad that it physically hurts.
I want so badly to tell her how desperately in love with her I am.
She must somehow sense my presence, because Abby stirs, blinking her eyes blearily before she focuses on me.
“Hi Jack Robbit,” she whispers, untwining Erin’s hand from her finger and rising quietly from the rocking chair.
“Don’t call me that,” I murmur, pulling her into a hug when we step into the hallway. “How was she tonight?”
“You’ve told me that a thousand times, when are you going to learn that I’m never going to stop?” she teases, feigning a punch to my shoulder.
“I learned that the first time you ever called me that,” I say with a grin. “I’m still going to say it every time, though.”
“She was a perfect angel, obviously,” she yawns, answering my previous question. “There was a mild meltdown over some carrots, but that’s my fault for trying to introduce a new food.”
“Obviously,” I agree with a solemn nod. “She’s never done anything wrong, ever.”
