“Because when I remove it, I will also remove Kason from my life. I’m not ready for that. Things were good before this appeared. I’m not prepared for the lonesomeness. Not yet. So, this isn’t a ring of engagement. It’s a sign of loss.
“Loss of time. Loss of energy. Loss of safety. Loss of calm. Loss of feelings. Loss of partnership. Loss of companionship. Loss for Kason. I’m no option, Teddy– In anyone’s life. That’swhat I’ve been to Kason. And, I was okay with that as long as I understood it was temporary.
“This ring complicates things. It forces me to let go of what was never mine to hold onto. If not, I’m signing up for a lifetime of second places. And, second place is not acceptable. Never acceptable. Kason checks off so many boxes that if I didn’t love myself enough, I’d believe he was the man for me. But, my intuition won’t allow me to love him. It won’t allow me to take our relationship to a new level.
“It won’t allow me to marry him because he feels safe right now. Later, that safety will unveil itself, showcasing its true identity. I don’t have time for surprises. I’m not getting younger. I can’t make foolish decisions as if I’m still a child. He isn’t a bad guy. He’s just not my guy. He’s not my husband.”
His shoulders lifted and fell. No words of affirmation followed. I wouldn’t be rewarded for prioritizing myself or my teachings. It was exactly what I was taught to do, raised to do, and expected to do. It didn’t matter how close to the heart the matter was.
“Why can’t you clean this mess that has been made?”
I shook my head, turning off the treadmill. Slowly, I stepped down, careful to remember that my equilibrium would not be at its best. Once my feet were planted safely on the floor, I released the breath I’d been holding.
“Conflict of interest.”
“What conflict and what interest, baby?”
“Josiah.”
“What about him?”
“He’s my husband,” I clarified, “Possibly.”
A snigger fell from his lips as he pulled them together. My brows furrowed in confusion.
“Excuse me? Are you laughing?”
He shook his head. His dishonesty was rare.
“Liar.”
“If Josiah Blackwood is your husband, Range, that gives you a damn good reason to clean this mess. It’s yours.”
His finger pressed into my chest. Our orbs aligned. My nostrils flared with uncertainty. My heart ached with anticipation. I felt as if I was falling and flying at once. I could feel the tears begin to well in my eyes. Still, I held myself together, because I knew the moment I was alone, I would fall apart.
“No exception. Understood?”
Nodding, I accepted my fate. There was no outrunning it. No outrunning him. I was a cleaner and I had a mess to clean. It didn’t matter whose mess it was to clean. Not this time. Not to Teddy.
“Yes,” my voice cracked. I was hanging on by a thread. Disappointing my brother was unacceptable. I never had. I couldn’t start now.
Chemistry reached forward and unhooked my right hand. He placed a 5 ml vial of cologne in my palm. Quietly, I closed my eyes. I inhaled, taking a final whiff of one of the only men in our worlds that ever mattered.
The gush of wind claimed his presence. I didn’t have to pull my lids apart to know he was no longer with me. The pain in my chest told me so.
Every lifetime, Teddy.
THREE
Night fell as the prison’s population settled into their late-night routines. Silence began to consume the unit. However, chatter was still present. I used the small window of opportunity to pull the cellphone from the mattress and dial the number I’d learned the summer before kindergarten.
It hadn’t changed. Neither had the woman who answered it. Without question, she’d always be on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Mother–” I released.
My heart flipped in my chest at the realization that I was speaking to her between prison walls. She’d done everything in her power to keep me from suffering this very fate. Yet, here I was.
