“Because I will want to know how high and how far to jump when my husband asks me to, I have to know that he’ll ask the same. If I can’t get you to accept my visits on lonely nights or my date offers on stressful days, then how do you expect me to accept forever?
“I’ll diminish to a mere shell of the woman I am if I give myself to you in that regard, knowing that rejection and decline will be more common than when, how, where, yes, and whatever you want. Those are the only words I care to hear in partnership.
“Instead, it’s– not tonight, maybe later, another time, this weekend, and not right now. Eventually, that disrupts something within a woman. Hell, anyone. If my morals weren’t intact and my worth hadn’t been instilled in me from a young girl, we wouldn’t have made it this far, Kason.
“Range, you have this all wrong. I–” he stuttered, “I– it’s not that.”
“You’re right, Kason. It’s not that. It’s more than that.
“Range, the last six months with you have been the best six months of my life. I wake up a happier man knowing I have you in my corner. I go to sleep feeling like a king knowing you’re near. I long for the moment I hear your voice over the phone or read your words through text. I am in love with you and I am falling deeper every day. Life is greater with you in my line of vision.
“I can think clearer. Love better. Listen more. And, learn something new with every encounter. I guess I’m saying all of that to say that I want to be your husband. I want to be your everything. If you’ll have me. So, Range, will you be my wife?”
I sighed after reciting every word of his speech. Hispatheticspeech. It was insulting.
“You asked for my hand in marriage, yet every word that spilled from your mouth was about you. How much I bring to your life. How great your life has been since I entered. How much happier you are. How I make you feel like a king. Have you once, Kason, stopped to ask yourself how you’ve changed my life? If you’ve changed my life? If I’m happier? If I feel like a queen?”
Dryly, I chuckled before inhaling deeply.
“But, that’s my fault. I haven’t told you– Because, I didn’t want to complicate an uncomplicated situation. But, since we’re here, love. I must confess that besides your kindness and your erection, I’ve felt nothing more of you but your absence. More ofmy calls are returned than answered. You’ve rescheduled more dates than we’ve been on. The very first sign of a husband, in my eyes, is consideration.”
“You’re a generous man but you’re not a considerate man. Even your generosity can’t mask your selfishness. And, that’s not a critique of your character. It’s a notable flaw in our relationship. I’m almost as lonely as I was before you walked into my life. I’m not certain of your presence, Kason.
“It’s your absence that I’ve grown most comfortable with. That makes you predictable. And, strangely, it makes you safe. Because, I know that I can’t lose myself in you. In us. As much as it pains me, it protects me.”
“Range. I didn’t know,” he admitted, reaching over into the passenger seat to grab my left hand. “I didn’t know.”
“Your selfishness wouldn’t allow you to figure it out. You’re blind, Kason. But, your blindness is my shield. It keeps me guarded. That’s reality. My reality. Yours and mine are not the same.”
“That’s fixable. That’s fix–”
“I’m no mechanic, Kason. At my age, I’m not interested in fixing a man. That was your mother’s job, to raise you, not mine. You should’ve come to me prepared. You should’ve come to me ready for the relationship you requested. You should’ve come to me equipped. You should’ve come to me selfless. You should’ve come to mefixed.”
A sarcastic snigger fell from my lips.
“It’s insulting, assuming I’d even attempt fixing what I didn’t break to begin with.”
“Me, Range. I’ll do the fixing.”
“While I– what– what?”
I turned to face him, genuinely wanting to know his answer.
“Only for a little while. You’ve brought so much to the light tonight. I just wish I’d known sooner. I would’ve made things better. For you. For us.”
“Don’t be a better man for me, Kason. Be a better man for yourself. Be a better man because that is who you’re supposed to be.”
“Eight weeks.”
“Eight weeks?”
“Yes. Can I have that much time? To show you… To give you my undivided attention. To adapt to your desires. To pacify your yearnings. To become the yearner you need. You want. Range, I’m begging.”
“You’re not, Kason, because you’d be on your knees in front of me, hands together as if you’re praying to the Lord.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Is that what you want?” I tossed back.
