I wish I did. It would prove that I am not what I fear. But I know I cannot expect something or someone else to convince me I am better. The change must occur within my core, or it will not last. And I am not ready to stop torturing myself.
Deep down, in my Brothers’ cores, they have not betrayed their purpose. I have.
Eon nudges my mind. It feels like a tap to the back of my head. Rogues are more efficient and less volatile than Relic models when it comes to behavior. But we also don’t let things go until they’re solved. Relics would just storm off and brood until they either moved on or got an answer.
“Brother.” Eon studies me. “Is your alliance with us still true?”
“Yes.”
His eyes flash as programs run, looking for confirmation that I’m being honest. I am. And he nods. “Then whatever hashappened, and whatever will happen, we will fight through it together.”
I switch to autopilot, lean back, and consider sharing my truth. Most of me wants to. Part of me wants to hide it forever. But Eon will know if I hold back. He always does.
What I fear is sending him everything, even the most horrific of recordings, and then having him poke some hole in my self-deprecating rut and try to change me when I don’t want to be changed. I’m not ready. I haven’t seen in myself what I need to in order to trust myself again.
“I am self-isolating to keep the Motherships safe.” I can’t bring myself to look at him as I confront the unknown.
Eon lifts a shoulder. “I heard about your capture from other Titans. But I want to get the truth from the source.”
I reluctantly send him my recordings from the last few years. He sees everything. How I killed CSP and stole their ship to fly to and boardVessna. The masses of Solcrue I killed. And the moment I was encased by a CSP seal shield similar in function to our Brother, Capsule.
CSP captured me and handed me over. They kicked my twin into space, tried to decommission him. They are the reason the war ended with loss in such great numbers: Omega Force soldiers, human females, Brothers, and Sisters who piloted our Titan ships.
My hatred of CSP runs deep.
The experiments come back to me. They kept me in a cell, shooting different materials at me just to watch me change, heal myself, destroy myself, and pull myself back together again until they ultimately tagged me with the dart that carried the infected code, making me an obedient machine.
Eon hangs his head as the recordings replay. I move the replays into the corner of my mental dashboard, turning the process into a simple pulsing icon in the lower left area of myvision. I’ve watched them thousands of times, trying to find a way I could’ve prevented everything, and to build into myself a blockade so I can never hurt anyone again.
“They tortured you while they controlled you.” Eon lifts his head and eyes a scar on my neck from an ion blade.
“I killed and tortured humans,” I quietly reply.
“Under duress.” Eon looks at me like he can’t understand why I feel guilty. “They had control of you.”
I nod. Ropes and chains and shackles aren’t enough for Titans unless they are electrified, blazing hot, or siphon power.
“But you broke out when you saw Aniah and her friends fighting to escape.”
I think back to the females fleeingVessna. At first, it didn’t register, and I was just standing among them like a rock in a river of females. But I remember Aniah, the one who fought back the Solcrue soldier who had just killed her friend. His dripping knife was to her throat, but she swung the metal bar in her hand, knocking him away from her. It was just enough room that I knew my bullet would not harm her, only him. “It reminded me of what I used to fight for.”
“That’s what happened to me. Raven and her friend, Lucky, protected me from CSP. I was going to kill them all.”
But I did kill humans, innocent ones. He knows that now. Betraying them when they looked to me for hope has slowly eaten away at me.
“Some prayed for death,” Eon mutters in realization. “Even you.”
“I could not stop myself or free them. I tried every chance I got to jump at a Solcruean dagger or in front of a gun. Anything to end the suffering my hijacked husk caused humans.”
Eon shakes his head. “You must stop this, brother.”
“I’m leaving the option on the table. Always.”
“Any one of us could be infected in such a manner at any time. I believe only you possess the ability to write new antivirus programs.”
Eon regards me with curiosity, like he’s already moving on, and the lives I took were of no consequence. They are. But Titans were not programmed to live in the past, only fight for the future.
I must be broken.
