“Nadine means nothing,” he said. “Please believe me. You are my everything. I want to grow old with you. I made a mistake, that’s all.”
I shook my head and stung him with my stare. “You’ll fix this? You made a mistake? Was that mistake getting caught?”
“Oh, c’mon.”
“Are you sure Nadine means nothing to you?” I asked, the agony of what they’d done splashing down on me. “Was that what you were mumbling to her while she was going down on you? Cheating on your wife of twenty years isnota mistake. It is an epic fuckup that will destroy the three of us. Forget about me! What about your son!”
“I’ve been calling him ever since the news broke. He won’t pick up.”
“Why would he ever pick up?” I screamed. “You’ve destroyed his life. No matter what he does, with or without the piano, he will be known as the son of a disrespectful asshole cheating bastard whose betrayal of his family was plastered all over the news!” My eyes darted around the bathroom looking for a weapon. At that moment, I understood the meaning of temporary insanity.
“I know you can’t forgive me right now,” he said, moving his hands to the cadence of his voice, “and I will not try to sway you. But please know, I’ve been craving sex, that’s it. This was physical. I don’t even know the first thing about that girl. I don’t even care. She’s a nobody.”
“Don’t go there. I have been the wife of your dreams lately. I would’ve happily slept with you every single day of this year. I’ve been there for you, and I have tried. I’ve tried so many times. You’ve kept that damned prick in your pants like there wassomething wrong with it. Don’t even try to say you were starved for some kind of touch. Let’s be honest, you were starved for those…those huge tatas and that young mouth around your wretched…thing.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not even sure you craved those things. I think your giant ego craved to be fed. Maybe you’re just a narcissist and need to believe you’re desirable to women you’ve not already had. You knew you had me. You knew I’d always be there for you. I’ve approached you with love and desire and have suffered humiliation when you turned me away. No, it wasn’t sex you wanted, it was an ego boost, you selfish bastard.” I could barely talk but eventually found his eyes and said, “When I look at you now, I see evil. Pure evil!”
“Don’t say that,” he pleaded. “Please don’t say that. I admit I haven’t been me lately. Today is the biggest wake-up call of my life. I’ve been walking around focused on work, focused on this potential senate run. Margot, please understand. I’ve been focused on my career, and I’ve been selfish and a jerk...” A jerk? That was the worst thing he could call himself? He paused to battle a sob working its way closer to the surface. In a softer voice he said, “I see that now. Please, you have to understand what it feels like for me right now.” He raised his hand in the air as if swearing an oath, his signature move. “I feel like I’m looking at the past year or two or even three and seeing this stranger that inhabited my body. You know that’s not me.”
I sank even lower in the water. “You disgust me. We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if you hadn’t been caught and exposed! You’d be out there continuing to disrespect your family. What about Nadine’s husband? Did either one of you even think about what you were doing to the people who loved you? If I’d done what you did and a video filled the screen for all to see, would you just disregard it and think nothing of it?”
He pointed at his own chest as he broke down. “This is me. I’mhere right now. I’m the man you married. I’m the man who wants to grow old with you. I’m the man who wants to take care of you. Today, our marriage starts over. Our family starts over. One day, we will look back and know that this day and what happened is what saved us.”
“Do you actually believe what you’re saying? Do you expect me to believe it? Do you believe you can decide on your own that you’ll set new rules and that I’ll acquiesce and agree to them? Do you actually believe your betrayal couldeverbe considered what saved our marriage when it was the very thing that destroyed it? What in the name of all that’s holy are you thinking?”
The shock and absurdity of it all was draining. An overwhelming exhaustion ran over me, dissipating some anger. I didn’t know what else to say, and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Losing myself in the white wall, I fell deep into thought. I couldn’t just let him get away with his heinous sin. Rory was acting as if we could just move on, patch it up. Could I even consider that idea? Was I going to stand by my man? He had to pay for his actions. He couldn’t just get away with it.
Then again, plenty of marriages had survived affairs. Survived, maybe. Forgiven, maybe. Forgotten, impossible.
Two paths the rest of our lives could go down revealed themselves. I could instigate a long and painful divorce, which would rip Jasper apart. It would rip me apart. Rory and I would spend a year or two fighting over custody and money, and Jasper would go to college a broken man from a broken family.
Or there was another way. Maybe Rory was right. I would never have admitted my revelation in the moment, and it wasn’t about him at all. It was about me being selfish and me looking out for my son. What would be best for us? There was the second way of somehow trying to get over Rory’s screwup. I could do what other wives of political figures had done. I’d kick him out and make him pay, but eventually, I’d let him back in. Maybe Rory wasright. Maybe he was changing. I’d seen more of the old Rory that week than I had in ten years. But, then again, why would he go out and look for another sexual partner? What woman would want to risk ending up in the sequel to his previous sex video?
“I can’t talk about this anymore,” I said. “Not right now.”
“I understand. Can I sleep downstairs on the couch, or do you want me to leave?”
Through a sudden burst of tears, I said, “I don’t know. I don’t care. Nothing matters right now. Just get out of my face.”
“I will make this right, Margot. I promise you I will make this right. I will seek help. I will accept full responsibility. I’ll never talk to Nadine again. She’s gone. She knows it. Please, just don’t shut me out forever. Let’s put this broken road back together.”
He’d accept full responsibility? What a valiant knight. Who else should accept it? And the only reason Nadine was gone was because they had been caught. All words. Just words. Two marriages and families ruined by something that wasn’t necessary. Not even love was involved. Why do it? Don’t shuthimout forever? He’d shut me out! My thoughts ran rampant. I turned on the hot water, drowning the noise in my head.
He said he would deal with the press at the end of the driveway. How responsible of him.
I was too exhausted to respond.
10
EYE ROLLS AND AMENDED DREAMS
As you might suspect, I didn’t sleep well. As in, I didn’t sleep. My night consisted of tossing, turning, thinking, gently murdering a certain someone in my imagination, and crying.
The burning smell from the other room had settled into our bedroom and served as a constant reminder of all the bad that had happened. Throughout the night, I held Philippe like someone was trying to steal him away from me. Though he couldn’t understand what I was going through, his interest in my emotional state told me that he understood in a deeper way that something was devastatingly wrong, and he cared. Aren’t animals incredible?
Rory wasn’t in the house by the time I stumbled downstairs early in the morning. I disarmed the alarm, let Philippe out into the backyard, and started a pot of water. While I waited for a boil, I straightened up and readied my coffee. Every action I took felt slower, like I was moving underwater.
I can’t imagine what I looked like. Makeup? Ha! I was too afraid to look in the mirror, but I could imagine the monster I’d see, the Wicked Witch meets Quasimodo. If I were to leaveVermont today, I could pack all my belongings in the bags under my eyes.
