“Um, why don’t you sit down. I think you and I need to discuss some things before we take this…thing,between us any further.”
“Thisthingbeing love?” He does as I ask and slowly sits in the chair Misha was just in. And if this conversation is anything like the last, we are in for an emotional ride.
“Yes.” I chuckle. “This thing being love. I do love you. Truly, I do. But this isn’t a gentle life I live, and well…love is hardly ever enough but certainly rarely in the position I’m in.”
Thatcher’s brow creases in confusion as he stares into my eyes.Into my soul, more like. “I don’t care about your job. I think it’s badass—”
“This isn’t a job, Thatcher, it’s mylife! You may not care now, but you will. I’m not like Ivan or Sasha, who met the love of their life and found a way out of this life. There isn’t an out for me, and even if there were, I wouldn’t take it.Thisis my first love. I’m not saying I don’t love you, solnyshko, because I do…so, so much. But you will always have to deal with the demands this life makes on me. The mental energy alone is hard, but the time I’ll have to spend away. Even living together would feel long distance. Is that really the type of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life? I mean, I’m not trying to rush into marriage or anything, but you don’t exactly get to just walk away from the Bratva with the information you would have as someone so close to me. And not to mention thedangerof it all. You would be the first place my enemy would go to get to me.”
“I don’t care about any of that. I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I interrupted yourBratvawedding!”
“Yeah, that was dumb. You can’t do things like that anymore. You could’ve gotten us both killed! See, it’s things like that—”
“Yes, yes, I know it was dumb, and I swear I’ll never do anything like that again, but I couldn’t lose you. I refuse to lose you. If my life is the price for your love, so be it, because I swear to God, it’s not a life worth living without you.”
Our heavy breath is the only sound in the office as we get lost in each other’s gaze. I want to say okay. I want to move on andmake peace with the fact that two other living people know what happened to me all those years ago and be done with it, but I know I can’t.
“It’s not just that, is it? There’s something else…”
“I…I can’t have children.”
Thatcher pauses, and his already soft eyes never leave mine. “Is that…is that something that you wanted? Because from my standpoint, Mila, I can tell you that you’re more than enough for me. We can be the most fun aunt and uncle to Teddy’s kids, or if you want to be a parent, we can adopt. But for me, I’m fine without children of my own. I just want you.”
“No, I’m at peace with it now, and I love my life without kids. It’swhyI can’t have them…”
My good boy sits and listens to every word as I tell him about what happened to me all those years ago. As I tell himwhyI left Russia. Something I’ve never done. Ivan found out through photos. Misha was there when it all happened. But I’ve never actually spoken the words.
I didn’t move to Thunder Bay until I was a teenager. My father thought he was doing me a favor by not bringing me over. He was growing Thunder Bay’s outfit at the time and thought it was safer for me back in Russia, so I spent my childhood living in my grandfather’s house. I was raised to be a particularly special kind of killer. One as deadly as any soldier, who could charm men to their demise as well. My physical training took place with the other men but the, um…intimate training was behind closed doors. At the hands of, well…Grandfather. I didn’t know any better of course, this was all I ever knew. Until I got pregnant. I was late to get my period because of the training, and when I did get it, I was too scared to tell anyone. But eventually, I couldn’t hide my growing stomach anymore. Grandfather was beyond angry and had me sent away to get rid of the baby immediately. I didn’t know itat the time, but he ordered they give me a hysterectomy as well, so that no other accidents would ever happen. The pain was unreal. I never wanted to be a mother, necessarily, but to have my child ripped out of me against my consent was devastating. I was curled up in the fetal position, crying on the floor, when Misha found me. He’s the only person I knew I could trust beyond a shadow of a doubt. So I told him everything. He was appalled. He held me as we both cried together, then helped me get my revenge. We waited until the time was right and got rid of Grandfather in the way he personally trained me to, with seduction and poison. After that, we hightailed it to my father in Thunder Bay and never looked back…
Thatcher stands and rounds the desk, squatting in front of me so that we’re eye level. He rarely ever touches me without my permission, but he kisses me without hesitation, and I allow it. In fact, I welcome it. For the first time in my life, I feel safe as a man holds me romantically.
“Mila Taranova, my love for you is more undeniable than the sunrise. My heart has belonged to you from the moment I met you, and there isnothingyou could do or say to ever undo that. I amyours. And I don’t care about what you’ve done in the past or what you’ll do in the future, as long as you’re mine. You are the bravest, strongest, most incredible person I’ve ever known, my love. Let me take care of you as you take over the world. Let me sit and watch as you rule, knowing that I bring you peace and joy in your darkest days. Let me be that man.”
A million thoughts race through my mind. But all of the reasons I’ve never allowed someone close to me before pale in comparison to the overwhelmingneedto let this man love me.
“Okay, solnyshko.”
“What does solnyshko mean, anyway?
“It means little sun or sunshine. And you are, Thatcher. You are my light, my everything, and I would be honored to be yours. In this life and the next.”
Chapter 44
“Have you enjoyedmy hospitality?”
They’re relatively well-trained, I have to give them that. Or at least Zakhar is. Oleg, for all his blustering ego, has tried to appease me in any way he can think of to save his life. Or to ease his passage from this world. Unfortunately for him, neither of those is on the table.
Thatcher kneels at my feet, warm cheek against my thigh, soothing me as I confront two men who have been trying to take me down for longer than I’ve been aware of their existence. The catharsis I felt finding out that my father knew every terrible secret I held and loved me anyway has congealed into a cold, fixed hatred that needs to be purged from my soul once and for all.
It isn’t lost on me that my closure regarding my parents’ unconditional love is much the same thing Thatcher’s been seeking his entire life. Although I don’t anticipate the same bittersweet ending for him as the one I’ve received, it’ll be my goal to love him enough for two parents as long as I draw breath. Perhaps he’ll find peace calling me “Mommy” one day, although he’s already been rebuffed from trying to call Misha “Daddy.”
“You can fuck yourself, you whore.” Oleg spits as far as he can, which isn’t very, and falls victim to a coughing fit from the blood draining from his split tongue into his lungs.
“I think that’s enough out of that one, moya sila.” On my command, Misha grabs the cautery knife, which is one of my favorite toys, and ensures that Oleg Zadorov will never insult me again. He passes out from the pain, and I shrug when Misha wordlessly asks if he wants me to revive him. He can rest for a bit. I really don’t care.
Thatcher’s hair is soft beneath my fingers, and he relaxes even further into me as I scratch a path to the nape of his neck. He could be asleep, and I hate to leave him, but I’ve grown weary. It’s time to end this chapter.
“Solnyshko,” I whisper, scratching a bit harder to try to get his attention. “I need to get up, my handsome boy.”
