“I’m not talking about being nervous or upset. You have every right to feel that way, but stop hiding it. It’s only making it worse for youandfor her.” She smooths her dress and looks back at the door, watching out for lingering ears before she turns back to me. “It’s okay to not be okay, Damien. I know that sounds like some cheesy, nurse-y bullshit, but it’s true. Start telling us what you need. I know today is Ash’s birthday, but if you can’t handle this, she’ll understa—”
“No,” I hiss, cutting her off. “I cannot keep holding her back. What she can do today is already limited by my inability to cope. I willnotruin the little bit that she does get.”
“You think she’ll see this as only a little bit? Do you not know how much your effort means to her?” She tilts her head like she truly can’t believe she has to say this to me.
My head shakes on its own, and I force myself to turn away. I know she’s tired of this, thateveryoneis sick of dealing withme. I can see it on their faces—especially Victoria’s. I shouldn’t give a damn about what she thinks of me, but after learning of the message she received, I’ve felt like even more of a failure. While I’ve been trying to pull myself together, staring at a weeks-long countdown, it turned to only days in the snap of a finger. A little girl is counting on me to save her, and my ability to do so is riding on how I do today. I’ll just have to take Serena’s beratement and move on before this party starts. When she inhales deeply, I know it’s coming.
“What’s Ash’s favorite color?” she asks, taking me by surprise. My heart sinks at her empathetic tone.
“Black,” I answer, not even having to think about it. She loves red, that dark, deep, garnet red, but that’s only a close second. Black is her favorite because of its versatility. It’s elegant, raw, and harsh, but can be made soft and simple. The hue can take both everything and nothing at all. It’s consuming, yet void.
“Do you know what the color black actually is?”
“It’s the absence of color…” I answer her again, more disappointed this time now that I realize the point she’s trying to make. It wasn’t too long ago that I was giving Serena the same comparison. I wanted to show her what she means to Ashia, and now that she’s trying to turn the scenario to show me the same, it only proves that I’m not worthy.
“Not exactly.” I turn around to face her, confused by her reply. “In terms of light? Yes. It’s the void of illumination. But if you’re talking about color? It’severything.” She takes small steps towards me. “The color black is total absorption.That’swhat you’ve done for her. You’ve taken her sadness, her loneliness, all of the hurt she carried…” She stops in front of me, looking up at me like she’s actually grateful for my presence. “You took all of that away. Hell, you took over her whole world. You are all of her colors, Damien. Even orange, as much as it pains me to admit.” She sprouts a shit-eating smirk, displaying her playfulness.
At some point, our relationship has shifted, and I’m not really sure when. Serena and I have put up with each other for Ashia’s sake, but her words weren’t necessary. She’s not saying them to appease her best friend. Serena Anderson might actually give a shit about me, and it hurts to accept how much it matters to me that she does. It might just mean that I have a real chance, that there’s a possibility I could be what Ashia deserves. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’ve done something right. I just wish I knew what that was.
“What about light?” I raise a brow, fighting a proud smile, so as to not give her the satisfaction just yet.
“Well, you know she’s always loved the darkness, anyway.” Her smug grin only grows, and she shrugs her shoulder like it’s no big deal. I never thought a pep talk from the world’s sassiest nurse would make me feel better, but it worked better than I anticipated. “Now, let’s go give our girl a good birthday!” She rolls her eyes, turning around and flinging her hair as she walks away. She can act like we’re back to uneven ground all she wants for appearances and all of that, but the truth still lingers, and I’ll hold onto that while she gets red in the face.
After I swallow the lump in my throat, I follow her, soon meeting all of the hushed voices spaced throughout our home. The large cake Marla made is set out on the kitchen island, the dining table is set with dark themed tableware, and everyone is gathered, stretched throughout the living, dining, and kitchen areas. I notice Alex first, giving him a curt nod as I step in his direction.
“Hey, D,” he whispers and leans against the counter, inviting me over with a jerk of his head. I settle in beside him and lean over to whisper back.
“How’s everyone at the Attic?” I’m curious about how things are going with Satori, since they’ve kept me out of the loop for so long. Ashia never told me what she was talking to Alex aboutthat early morning, but it sounded like he was causing more problems. I shouldn’t be so surprised, considering how he was before I was abducted. Who was I to think that he would stop just because I was gone?
“It’s alright. There have been a few hiccups, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.” He tries to reassure me with a nonchalant tone and crinkled shoulder. It’s not happening tonight, but I need to know what I’ve missed. If we’re going to get back to our normal lives, I need to start transitioning back to work. Perhaps if I fill my time with tasks, this urge to kill again will dissipate.
“Send me a report on everything that’s happened since I’ve been gone, as well as anything Danielle has found in Seattle, by tomorrow morning. We all have a lot to go over.” His forehead creases at my demand, looking confused and somewhat afraid.
“D, I’m not sure—”
“Alex,” I all but beg. “Please, just do it. You don’t need to reactivate me yet, just…” I look around the room, making sure no one, Serena in particular, can hear me. “I need to get back to work. Everyone keeps saying to speak up and tell them what I need. So, that’s it. That’s what I need.” Alex looks around as well, obviously as paranoid as I am about my wife finding out.
“I’m not sure how Ash is going to feel about that…” he says worriedly.
“I know. That’s why we’re not going to tell her yet.” He meets my gaze, looking more confused than he was before. “I don’t want her to worry, and I’m not going back to the Attic or into the field for a little while longer. But I need to know what’s been going on, and we need to have a solid plan to rescue Elizabeth.” He takes a deep breath, seemingly giving in to my request.
“I will send it over in the morning.”
I nod my head, silently thanking him, when Serena shushes everyone in the room.
“Okay, they’re bringing her out,” she whispers and gestures me over with a wave of her hand. I take myapparentplace beside her, feeling a little nervous. I just want Ashia to feel special. I want her to know how loved and appreciated she is. She seemed happy this morning, and I want to keep her in that state of mind. Every year, her mind drifts back to one of the worst days of her life. I want to show her how good it can feel, too. She made my birthday perfect. The least I can do is the same for her.
Zeke is the first to emerge, and then my beautiful wife steps up the stairs behind him, looking more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her. I’m sure if she knew there are at least a dozen extra people in our home right now, she would’ve dressed differently, but I’m so glad she doesn’t. She’s wearing fitted black yoga shorts and a bluish-gray, flowy top that curves around her stomach perfectly. Her hair is tied up in a knotted bun, keeping her face free of any strands. I swear, her little belly has popped since this morning, marking her twenty-fourth week pregnant, and she’s glowing. Her elegance illuminates the entire space, taking my breath away. She has a serious look on her face as she talks to the guys, but then she flinches just a little when everyone shouts.
“Surprise!”
Her eyes crinkle as she looks down and around the room, clearly confused. There’s a fogginess in her gaze, like she truly doesn’t understandwhyeveryone would be here. She eyes all of the decorations and everyone’s faces, finally setting her sights on the cake before looking over at me. Realization dawns over her features, and even though a heartwarming smile spreads from cheek to cheek, reaching her eyes, my heart sinks.
She forgot it was her birthday.
Zeke and Carter walk her down the stairs, laughing with her while my heart is breaking. Is her mind that preoccupied with everything going on around us? I know she’s pushed this day outof her mind for years, but I was really hoping to make it better for her. I wanted her to feel special. Instead, her head continues to be plagued by worry. Even if her mind wasn’t on that horrid day fourteen years ago, it’s still tormented by recent haunts. Her mind is plagued by ghosts that aren’t even calling her name.
Feccia…
