I rolled onto my back, my body feeling like lead as the alcohol finally pulled me under. Was this what rock bottom tasted like? Whiskey and regret? Sorrow and heartache?
“Is this Hunter?” He paused.Why was he calling Hunter?“This is Father Hillman. Blaize is a mess on the sanctuary floor. I need you to come and get her before she harms herself.” He cleared his throat. “I know Blaize, and I am not touching her when she is in this state. I value my life.”
The church doorsslammed open and Hunter stormed in, pissed off. Why did she come? She never stepped foot in a church because of what they did to her. This wasmypenance for my mistakes. She should’ve just left me here to wallow in my own self-pity and annoyance. She already slept with my girl.
I groaned.
Kadence wasn’t mine.
“Respectfully, don’t touch me or her. I can’t promise that I won’t fuc—I won’t stab you. Thank you for the call.”
Hunter pulled me out of the church, and I could feel her anger and pain even when I was intoxicated. “Why’d you come?”
“Blaize, don’t fucking talk to me right now,” she hissed, hitting the gas on her Jeep. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I let her rant. She needed it. Of course she did. All I did was hurt the people I cared about.
When we arrived at the club, she slammed her hands on her steering wheel. In my drunken stupor, I realized she was my greatest friend and I was the embodiment of a jackass. “Hunter, I’m sorry I'm a shitty person.”
She laughed bitterly. “I am trying not to lose my shit right now, Blaize. You’re not a shitty person, but your emotions are. Stop letting them detour your goddamn life. Big Mike will help you to your room, because I can’t promise that I won’t drop you down the stairs.” And then she was gone.
I would have to live with the consequences of my actions tomorrow.
CHAPTER 17
KADENCE
Iducked, missing Drew’s fist as I spun on my heels and threw a jab his way. He grabbed my wrist, pulling me into him. Drew wrapped his arms around my front, squeezing hard. If this wasn’t a part of our lesson, I would have been terrified. I would have hated to be on the street with him if he had been the bad guy. Panic seized my chest for a moment, but I took a deep breath. I dug the heel of my tennis shoe into his toes before elbowing him in the ribs. I grabbed his hand, spinning around and pinning his arm behind his back until he fell to his knees.
It had been a week since my last session with Dr. Williams, and I’d been hitting the gym hard with Drew to help keep my mind quiet. To say I was okay would have been a lie. This helped me focus, and it kept me away from my nightmares. Dr. Williams said because I never processed what happened to me, it triggered this reaction. Psychological scars were a beast, and it sneaked up on people in different ways. Pain didn’t stop, but I wasn’t allowing it to control me anymore. Therapy helped, but this helped more. I enjoyed focusing on something that would help me in the end.
It’s been a month since everything happened, and I still wasn’t okay. It’s been two days since I attempted to sleep with Hunter, and failed, because my stupid heart wanted Blaize. I hated myself because I wanted her as desperately as I did, but I wasn’t going to let my heart confuse pain for love ever again, even if I was miserable.
“You’re doing a lot better, Kadence.”
“I don’t know if I should be insulted or not.”
I grabbed his hand and helped him up. Sparing with him was getting easier, and I was learning a lot. I knew it would come in handy if God forbid anything else happened to me. Who knew that coming to a town where I knew nothing and no one would lead to so much pain wrapped in a pretty bow. Maybe I should have moved to LA or something. A vast population could have meant I could hide amongst the crowd instead of being a pimple on unblemished skin in Westhaven.
“It’s okay not to be okay, Kadence. You don’t need to force it.”
I sighed, tucking a loose strand of my blue hair behind my ear. “I’m not letting it define me, Drew. I’ve been living with trauma since I was six. I can’t let this affect me. I’m not weak. I’m not?—”
“Kadence, you’re traumatized, and there is nothing wrong with that. Our pain tells a story, and showing vulnerability doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. What happened to you is going to take time to heal from. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
“I know it happened,” I snapped, wincing at how rudely it came out. “Sorry…I was raped, but he’s dead. Caden is dead, too. She held me back. I just want to live, Drew. I’m tired of my trauma. Everyone looks at me like I am weak because I had a shitty life.” I took a deep breath. “I appreciate everything you guys do for me, but this is my choice.”
He nodded. I still didn’t know what had happened to him to preach like this. He spoke from experience, but I knew prying into his life wouldn’t be the way to get answers. “When you need to break, shatter. Don’t let it fester inside you. I also think you need to train with Hunter.”
I arched my brow. “Why?”
“Not my story to tell, but I see a lot of you in her.” I didn’t like the cryptic notes behind that, but Hunter would be someone I would enjoy sparring with.
“I’ll look into it. Let’s go home. I need a shower and a nap.”
A scream ripped through me,and my bedding became a tangled mess as I fought an invisible force. My hand went to my chest as I attempted to control my breathing, but this panic attack had me in a vice grip, strangling me and taking my breath. The door slammed open before muscular hands wrapped around me and a calming voice pulled me back to reality.
Drew was the only one home per Annika’s request. It had been touch and go, but he had a calming aura, and I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. In the back of my mind, the reality that I thought the same thing about Hawke, how he knew everything that happened to me and still broke my trust, lingered. Drew was different. He had a need to protect written all over him.
“Hey, it’s okay. Take deep breaths. No one can hurt you.”
