“Because I’m starting to feel things I didn’t think I was ever capable of feeling.” The words feel like they’re being torn from my chest. “When I first offered you friends with benefits, I wasn’t sure how far I wanted it to go. All I knew was that I wanted… no…neededto have you again. To make you mine. Not for a moment did I even think about a chance at forever.”
She jerks her chin out of my grasp, eyes searching mine. “What exactly are you saying, Jax?”
“I’m saying that I wanted to keep things casual because I thought that’s all I was capable of. But then after...” My voice trails off as I struggle to find the right words. “In that moment, something inside me... shifted. I’m sorry if seeing those sketches freaked you out, but I’m not sorry I drew them.”
Sasha shoves at my chest, and reluctantly, I take a step back. “So… what? Now you’re telling me you want more?”
“Yeah,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck.
“You should have just talked to me instead of clamming up like you did last night.” She shakes her head. “Do you know how that made me feel? Like I’d said or done something wrong!”
“You didn’t,” I say quickly. “It was all me. I freaked out. I needed time to process what was happening.”
She’s quiet for a long moment. “Are any of these from...” Her finger taps on the pad of paper. “…before?”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
“How long, Jax?” Her voice is barely audible.
“Since the first time I saw you in town about two months after we hooked up at Skin & Ink’s tenth anniversary party,” I admit. “I was at Rise & Dine, and you walked in with your real estate agent. It was the first time I’d seen you since then.”
Her expression softens slightly, but it’s obvious she’s still wary.
“I’m not saying this to pressure you or anything,” I add quickly. “I just need you to understand why. The ball’s in your court, sweet cheeks. If you don’t want anything more than what we’re doing now, then I’ll respect your decision. It’ll suck, but…”
“I think maybe we should stop altogether.”
Her words land hard, causing my breath to shudder as it leaves my lungs.
For a moment, I can’t find my words. It feels like she ripped my heart out and crushed it beneath her feet.
But I can see the panic in her eyes, shoulders tense as if she’s preparing for a fight, so I carefully soften my voice. “Is that really what you want?”
She looks away, breaking eye contact. “I don’t know what I want. That’s the problem.”
I want to take a step closer, but I don’t want to crowd her. “I’ve thought about what I want. Can I tell you?”
When she nods, I reach out and take her hands in mine, hooking just our pinkies together.
“I want you, Sasha. Not just in my bed, but in my life.” My voice is gruff. “I want to wake up with you in the morning. I want to make you coffee just the way you like it and bring it to you in bed. I want to hold your hand in public, take you out to dinner and show you off.”
Her lips part, eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“But most of all…” I squeeze her pinkies gently. “I want to be the man you turn to when you need someone. I want to be there for you, not just for the good times, but for the hard shit too.”
Her eyes search mine, and I can see conflict and fear warring with desire.
“Jax, I...” She pulls away, wrapping her arms around herself. “…I need…” She looks away. “Maybe I should just go back to my house.”
“No.” The word comes out as a gruff snarl, and it takes everything in me to soften my tone. “We still don’t know if it’s safe.”
She goes quiet, mulling it over, until finally, “Then, for now, we’re just friends… roommates.”
It stings, but I nod, so she knows I understand. “Okay.”
forty-four
The restof the week goes by pretty quick. There haven’t been any updates from Dylan. Jax has been treating me like a roommate instead of an FWB, just like I asked.
