I need to tell him the truth, but I don’t know how. The picture in my pocket feels like a weight, heating my skin as I worry about what he’ll think.
“Talk to me,” he murmurs, running his hands up and down my thighs, “You’ve been off lately. I thought it was the Nutcracker showcase, but even after, you still look tense.”
Crap, guess I didn’t try to ignore it as I thought I did.
I inhale and avoid his gaze as I dip the gun then press the needle to his skin, and admit, "My period is late…"
I feel him tense beneath me, but I don’t stop what I’m doing, I can’t because if I do, I’ll probably cry.
I swallow hard then confess, “I’ve been having symptoms like fatigue, nausea, and dizzy spells for weeks. Four weeks ago, I realized I’d missed a few months of my period. I decided it had to be stress and chose to ignore it.”
Even though it’s strained, he snorts then says, “Now why am I not surprised,” and I scrunch my nose up as I pull the needle off his skin and finally get the nerve to look at him.
There’s no anger, or sadness, or fear. If anything, there is no emotion at all.
I think that is worse than anger, he’s shut off his emotions.
I admit, “I’m scared,” before I dip the gun again and continue the rose and I allow my disappointment to come out as I say, “I didn’t want kids yet, I want to enjoy you. I wanted to ride on your bike around the country. I wanted to do more shows and teach. I wanted more time to become settled and not in an apartment but in a house with a yard and maybe own my studio, not one I’m renting that could be taken from me in an instant. And honestly, being married for five years first would have been helpful.” I huff and lean back and lock eyes with Bellamy’s which are now showing concern but for me, seeing my discomfort having achild now, “Even though I know I will love it unconditionally and I’ll most likely push it towards ballet and art,” Bell half smiles at that and I confess, “I’m scared,” causing him to sigh but he soon laughs when I admit, “I’m scared because there is a chance they’d turn out like Elizabeth and that crap is terrifying.”
“I can understand that, believe me but you know we’d never let that happen. I know this is sudden, I know that you’re scared and that we’re both not ready for this, but it is happening, Drew,” he says softly and I scrunch my nose again as I dip the tattoo gun and mutter, “I hate when you speak logically, you should be freaking out with me.”
He chuckles slightly as I continue to color in the rose before he sighs and then asks, “Have you seen a doctor?”
“Uh huh,” I reply as I tilt my head trying to ensure I don’t go over the black and I mumble, “I went this morning thinking maybe it was still stress related. I had a scan and the doctor confirmed I’m twelve weeks pregnant where thankfully there is only one baby. I would have passed out if he said it was twins. When I walked out the cops had swarmed the place because some hung over woman attacked a mother and her child because her child was screaming that she didn’t want her shots. Instead of hitting the mother, she hit the child who tried to protect her mom,” I pause for a moment before I lift up and gasp, “Oh god, what if our child continuously cries and hates me?”
Bellamy blinks then blinks again before saying, “Seriously, cops at the doctors?”
I wince but nod, and he shakes his head before he cups my cheek and says, “We’ll figure it out,” though the tension in his body hasn’t lessened, so I’m not inclined to believe him right now.
Swallowing, I ask, “Before or after I start to feel sick when I do a pirouette?”
He frowns and asks, “What’s that?” and I roll my eyes and answer, “A turn,” and he sighs as he gently runs his hands over my thighs.
“We’ll figure it out, baby,” he says, unconvincingly, then demands, “Finish the rose so I can take you home.”
I swallow yet again but nod and dip the gun, all while my mind wanders and fear consumes me when he zones out and puts his hands on the chair instead of on my thighs.
Does he think I trapped him like his ex had tried?
Am I going to lose him?
Chapter 19
Cage
My heart hammers as I stare at the photo, my past flashing before me, and I don’t just mean the cocaine, the prison stints, or even the women. I’m talking about my sister dying after overhearing Toya, about the baby that would have been seven right now, that had a heartbeat, that was terminated.
Shit.
I drop my head with a heavy sigh, struggling to steady my breath as a craving for a line surges through me and I grip the ultrasound photo harder.
It’s five in the fucking morning, and I should be in bed right now, holding my girl while silently promising her that everything will be okay. Not sitting on the couch staring at the photo and allowing my past to fuck up my head.
She thinks I believe she trapped me, but I know she didn’t. I know she took her pill religiously. I know she isn’t ready for kids, just like I’m not. Fuck, I didn’t even want kids or see them in my future until I met Drew. Fate is fucking with me again, just like it did getting that bitch pregnant. It fucked with me when Angie was killed just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I eye the photo before looking at my phone. I swallow hard as I grab the device and bring up a number I haven’t called in a long time. Without thinking too much of it, I press on it and put the device to my ear.
He answers on the first ring, but instead of saying hello, he says, “Well, it’s about time, brother.”
