"Why?"
"Because trust is a weakness in my world. And caring about someone gives your enemies a target. Because—" I stop, the words catching in my throat.
Because I love you. Because you've become the most important thing in my life and I don't know how to protect you and keep you at the same time.
The words are too vulnerable, too dangerous to speak out loud.
"Because what?" she prompts gently.
"Because I can't lose you," I say instead. "Not to your father. Not to this war. Not to anything."
Her eyes soften and she leans in to kiss me. It's slow and sweet and achingly tender, nothing like the desperate passion in the car or the rough possession of before. This is something else, that feels like a promise neither of us knows how to make out loud.
We're in a limbo, and I think we both know it. We can't move forward until this is over. We can't figure out what we are or what we could be while the war is still happening. Until all this is resolved, there isn't any further that our relationship can go.
Relationship. It's the first time I've thought of it like that, but that's what this is… or some version of it, at least. The first one I've ever had. It's not traditional or ordinary, but I want it, all the same. I can't imagine her leaving any longer. I can't imagine a day where I don't see her face or her uncanny sunshiny smile or hear her bratty mouth.
I don't know what the future looks like, or how to shape it. I want to give her things I don't even know how to name. But first I have to end this.
First I have to make sure she's safe.
The idea of caring about someone this much, of being willing to sacrifice everything for them, goes against every survival instinct I've honed over the years. I don't know how to be this person, this man who puts someone else first.
I feel her fall asleep in my arms, slowly, but I can't sleep. My mind is too busy running through scenarios, trying to figure out how to give her what she wants without getting her killed in the process. The meeting with Alexander Baumann has to happen. I promised her, and I meant it. But the logistics are a nightmare. Where do we meet? How do I ensure it's not another trap? How do I protect her while still giving her the chance to negotiate?
I'm still working through the possibilities when my phone vibrates on the nightstand. I reach for it carefully, trying not to wake Liesl, and see Viktor's name on the screen.
I slip out of bed and move to the bathroom, closing the door before I answer. "What."
"Some of the men are getting louder about their problems with the girl." Viktor's voice is tight.
My jaw clenches. "What are they saying? The usual, I expect. I'm weak, I'm compromised…"
"This isn't a game, Andrei." Viktor blows out a sharp breath. "They're saying this attack shouldn't have happened at all. That the safe house wouldn't even have been an issue, that none of our men would have been in danger there, if you weren't more focused on protecting her than on protecting the organization." He pauses. "Alexei is the loudest voice. He's saying you should have killed her weeks ago, that keeping her alive is going to get us all killed."
I should have cut off his fucking hand instead of putting a car key through it. Killed him on the spot for his insolence.
"How many men agree with him?" I ask, gritting my teeth.
"Hard to say. Maybe a third. Maybe more." Viktor's voice is grim. "They're scared,pakhan. Tonight shook them. They wantto know you're still in control, that you're still making decisions based on what's best for the organization, not what's best for your captive."
I rub a hand over my face. "She's not just a captive anymore."
Viktor snorts. "I've known that for longer than you've wanted me to, Andrei. But they don't see it that way. They see a liability. A weakness. Something that needs to be eliminated before it gets us all killed."
I close my eyes, feeling the weight of it pressing down on me. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I tried to keep my distance from her, why I tried to maintain the fiction that she was just a transaction, just leverage, just a means to an end.
But I failed. I let her in. I let myself care. And everything I'm supposed to be in charge of is hanging on a thread now, because my men think I'm weak for a woman.
Iam.
"You need to make a choice,pakhan. Either you prove to them that she's not a weakness, that you're still in control, that you can end this war and keep the organization intact. Or—" He stops.
"Orwhat?"
"Or you kill her. And soon. Before anything else can happen that pushes one of them to take the lead and put a bullet in your head instead. Maybe mine, too."
My jaw clenches harder, teeth gritting together. Killing her isn't an option. It could never be. But unless I can stop this, and fast, I'll be forced to find a way to cut her loose while still preserving her life.
