Walter was on the bed.
He was going into the OR. The nurses had agreed to send Walter in with Bonnie because the nurses hadn't been able to convince Bonnie that Walter wasn't allowed in the OR. Bonnie had won the argument.
I was in scrubs.
The nurses had given me scrubs to wear into pre-op. The scrubs were green and a size too big.
Beau was in the family area.
He had on a different sweater. He had a coffee in each hand with Mrs. Park beside him on a chair. Kit had arrived with a duffel bag containing a change of clothes for me, three energy bars, two paperback books, and the scarf I'd left at the bar. Kit had taken the day off from the bar.
The pre-op nurse came to the door.
"Ms. Vela, it is time."
I went to pre-op with her.
The pre-op room had three beds, each with a curtain. Bonnie was in the middle bed. She had Walter in the curve of her arm. The IV had already been put in her hand.
I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Bonnie.
She took it with the hand that didn't have the IV. Her hand was small and warm. Her fingernails were painted. I hadn't realized that her fingernails had been painted. She had asked Mrs. Park to paint them. They were pink with a sparkle in them.
She looked at me. "Mom."
"Yes, baby."
"I love you."
"I love you too, Bonnie."
"I love you so much, and I want you to know that."
"Bonnie — "
"In case. You should know it. I should say it more often."
I kept my face still. Dr. Reyes told me that the children's anesthesia team didn't need a parent crying in the room.
I didn't let her see me break.
I put my forehead against hers. "I love you, Bonnie."
"I love you too, Mom."
She breathed.
"Mommy."
"Yes."
"It is gonna be okay. You don't have to cry. I'm okay. I just…I just don't want to leave you."
I broke quietly — I didn't let her see all of it — but I broke. I hugged her and cried into her shoulder for a beat that was longer than any beat I'd let myself have all morning.
The nurses came in.
"Ms. Vela, it is time. We are going to wheel her in three minutes."
