He shakes his head. “That’s what she did for me.” When I lift my brow in question, he says, “Everyone in my life has always taken from me. I came to expect it. Didn’t trust anyone. But she gave. And gave and gave until there was nothing left for me to do but accept.”
Then he stands with a pat to my shoulder as if it’s so simple.
But maybe it could be.
Maybe if I start being honest with myself, I can start being honest with her.
So she’d finally know in her heart that when I choose her, I mean it.
CHAPTER 31
JO
I’min the middle of putting on my makeup when the buzzer sounds, and I set down my eyeliner, nerves thrumming through my veins. Hoping I’m not making some terrible mistake.
Nico has been sending me a ridiculous number of gifts over the last three days, from chocolates and bouquets of flowers to pages of dirtyJurassic Parkfan fiction and a knitted potholder, about two square inches, that he made himself.
It made me laugh, which might be the point of the gift. Of most of these gifts. But the singing telegram yesterday was a step too far, as the four men dressed in matching black suits sang an a cappella version of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” but with lyrics changed fromyesterdaytoJosephine.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the gifts, it’s just… Well, I don’t want them.
I don’t need more flowers or sweets. I certainly can’t do much with a tiny trivet, and the erotica is nice yet does nothing but remind me of what I’m missing.
Not only sex, but Nico.
He loves the fated mates, so I had to put it down after only a few lines because I couldn’t bear to stand reading about how thedinosaur shifter fought off the other one to save its human mate. The one he’d die to protect.
After spending a few days reflecting on my life and having many conversations with Alma, who did not offer me advice but simply listened, I realized that while the gifts are nice, they’re not what I want.
I never wanted anything in my life other than to be recognized. To be valued. To beprized.
I never truly felt wanted in my life, so I think that is why I couldn’t ever really believe Nico might love me. Because it was superficial.
No matter that he made me feel good about myself, if we couldn’t be honest about our relationship, then how could we be honest with each other?
How could Nico look the figurative world in the eye and truthfully sayI choose Josephine?
I wasn’t his first choice, only a means to an end.
And I know now that’s what I want—to be chosen. I want someone to protect me, not because of some artificial rule of a team or mystical force of the universe, but because they choose to. I want to be loved not because they have to, but because they want to.
Which is why all these gifts are more of a reminder of what I amnotthan what I am.
It’s also why I made the decision to call Malcolm King. So I could, once and for all, give Nico the truth and ask for it in return.
I hit the button on the panel next to the door to ask the person downstairs, “Who is it?”
“Malcolm.”
He’s so proper, it’s a little unnerving. But after I explained what I wanted to do and all that has happened, he easily agreed to help me out. But only after I spoke to his husband.
Jensen had been waiting for me to contact him so we coulddiscuss my work and career, but I didn’t have the motivation, especially after I torched my entire life. Though, Jensen and Malcolm both have been in my corner, helping me sort through my life, showing me that there are people who willchooseme.
I already spoke to Sean, informed him I’d finish out the season as his assistant but then I’d be moving on. Hopefully to bigger and better things.
I buzz Malcolm in, and when I open the door, I find him impeccably dressed, as usual. I step aside to let him in, and he takes in my apartment. After days of wrestling with myself and fighting back depression, I cleaned it up, which helped to clear my mind.
I got back to my step class, found a therapist, and decided I’d had enough. It was time to tell Nico I love him.
