I barely slept after Colton left, craving his presence the second it was gone. My thoughts were buzzing, and I couldn’t calm down. I had tossed and turned for hours before giving up and scrolling through emails for the next hour.
Right before dawn, I had a horrible realization.
My mother. I had been having such a good time with Colton that I had completely forgotten we were going to see her.
There was no way I was going to sleep after that. Just the thought that my mother and I were in the same town made me start to sweat. I threw on my running clothes and opened the curtains as quietly as I could.
The couch was pulled out into a queen-sized bed. Jimmy was lying on his back, arms folded on his body, snoring loudly. If he hadn’t been snoring, I would’ve worried he was dead. Colton was on his stomach, his left arm draped over Jimmy’s chest. His hair was wild, and his mouth open.
I sighed, the sudden urge to kiss the bare skin of his back overwhelming. I snuck out the door before I was tempted to act on my impulse.
I jumped in surprise as I saw Alan sitting in front of a small campfire, his back hunched.
A part of me thought about just shoving my headphones in and starting my run, but something about the way he wascrouched over made me think differently.
I shoved my hands in my jacket pocket and shuffled over. “Good morning,” I said quietly, hoping I wouldn’t scare him.
No such luck. He jumped up, his hand over his heart. “Golly Ally, you scared the life outta me!”
I cringed and took a seat in the empty chair beside him. “Sorry, I was trying my best not to sneak up on you.”
His eyes were slightly puffy. He stared at the fire. “I didn’t think anyone would be up so early.”
“I’m not a good sleeper,” I admitted, crossing my legs. “Why are you up?”
“Just missin’ the kids and wanted to talk to Erin for a while, uninterrupted,” he said with a sad laugh.
I’m sure I wasn’t the person that Alan wanted to dive into all his feelings with, but I was also justhere, no harm in asking. “Is she doing okay?”
He sighed and leaned back. “Yeah, she’s good. She handles the seasons well, better than a lot of stay-at-home spouses would. I’m the one who has a hard time.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I love the rodeo, with all my heart, but the time away from her and the kids is killin’ me. Jimmy gets it, that’s why he’s retirin’.” He shot me a look like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say that.
I nodded in understanding, and he went on.
“When I’m in the show, I’m one-hundred percent in, it’s the best feelin’ in the world. Then the show ends, and I want to wrestle my kids, tuck them in, and lie on the couch with Erin. This travelin’ time is so hard when I just want to be home.”
I was shocked by how deeply he dove into it all, but I was also grateful that he trusted me enough to let me in on his feelings. We had maybe talked a few times, never one-on-one. “Are you ready to retire?” I asked cautiously.
He shrugged. “Maybe. I could do county or state rodeos and be happy, but Dean…” he thought for a minute before going on, “Dean wants to go all in and see if we could make it to the NFR next season. If we really put the time and effort in, honestly, I’m sure we absolutely could. But that’s the issue. I don’t want to put in the time. I want to go to my kids’ games and color pictures, and take my wife on dates.”
He was between a rock and a hard place. He was passionate about what he did, loved it, and was incredibly good at it, but it took him away from the people he wanted to spend his time with. And what’s more, his twin had the time, skills, and desire to go to the top. Dean needed Alan to make it to the NFR. Their synchronization in Team Roping wasn’t something that could be taught; it was deeper than that.
“Gosh, Alan, I’m really sorry,” I said after I was sure he was done talking.
He chuckled and wiped his eyes. “What the heck, Ally? Why did I just dump all that on you?”
I smiled. “I’m glad you did. I always feel a ton better after I talk out my problems.”
He looked at me, fully looked at me, not trying to hide his red eyes anymore. “Any advice?”
“I’m not the right person to give advice,” I shook my head.
“I don’t have to use your advice, but you seem like a smart person, and I’d love any ideas you have,” he said with desperation.
Oh dear, he really did want to hear what I had to say. I thought for a moment, wanting to make sure I would say something helpful. “I think a conversation with Dean would be the first place to start. You don’t have to jump in and say, ‘I’m retiring,’ but you could tell him the toll that this is taking on you. He’s your twin and partner, I’m sure he’d consider your feelings.”
