“The PA, after the Pap.” She swallowed hard. “She said it felt like a mass…that it might be a tumor or cyst or somethin’. They gotta run tests to know for sure.”
Niyah pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. “Damn, Tash…”
Tasha’s eyes brimmed, but the tears didn’t fall.
“I didn’t tell Jue,” she admitted. “You know we been tryna get pregnant forever. I—I just didn’t wanna have him feelin’ down with my news. He wants a baby so bad, Ni. I see it every time we around kids.” She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “You see the way he looks at you and Sin’s kids? Like he’s picturing his own. The way he always asks me to pick up my sister's kids so he can play ball with the boys and take them shopping.”
Her voice grew quieter. “I just hate that I can’t give him our own baby. I mean months of negative test results.” She wiped her nose quickly with the now-soaked tissue. “Then my periods started acting weird. The cramps.” She shook her head. “And now they talkin’ about a mass.” The tears finally slipped free. “Like…what if I can’t ever give him the one thing he wants the most? Huh?”
Niyah looked at her, eyes stinging. “Ohh…Tasha. I’m so sorry you're going through this. I’m here for whatever you need. I got you. But I think you need to tell Juelz. He deserves to know, babygirl.”
Tasha blinked, finally letting one tear fall. “I ain’t ready to tell him yet. I just wanna keep this lil’ bubble of peace we got right now. Even though it soon will be shattered.” She wiped her eyes and laughed, “I’ma G, ion suppose to be sheddin’ tears.”
Niyah laughed and hugged her again. “You are so crazy, girl. It’s okay for G’s to cry if they need to.” She bumped shoulders with her, “Can’t be hard all the time. But seriously, I get what you're saying. And when you do tell him…he’ll still love you. That man worships you.”
Tasha nodded. “Yeah… I know. Thank you for comin’ over, I hate I had to pull you away from the kids. I needed my girls.”
“Oh, it’s cool, girl. The twins be in their own world, and Zilyn’s spoil tail just wants to be held all day. And speaking of girls.” She tilted her head, “Where the hell is Shyann ass?”
Tasha snorted. “Girl, I called her, but she didn’t answer.” She rolled her eyes. “You know how she is. Probably somewhere sucking on somebody's man.”
They both busted out laughing, the tension breaking just enough to breathe. They sat like that for a while. No TV. No background noise. Just the hum of a heavy truth neither of them wanted to face but knew they had to.
The driveto the motel was a blur of dark streets and regret. Juelz parked in the back, away from everybody else. He took the stairs, each step a deliberate act of betrayal. Shyann opened the door before he could knock, wearing nothing but a silk robe she failed to tie close. She stepped aside, and her sweet perfume hung in the air, making him sneeze. “Took you long enough,” she said, eyeing him up and down like he was a piece of meat she was about to buy.
He frowned, easing by her. “Miss me with all that shit. Come get this shit over with.”
A slow, cruel smile spread across her face. She stood and walked toward him, her movements deliberate. She reached up to trace the line of his jaw, and he flinched away from her touchas if it were a lit match. “Aye! Don’t touch me,” he said, the words low and sharp.
Her smile widened. “Okay, okay. Fair enough.”
She sank to her knees, her hands working at the button of his jeans. He closed his eyes, his head tilting back to rest against the door. He focused on the hum of the ice machine down the hall, on the distant wail of a siren, on anything but the feeling of her hands on him, her mouth on him. He hated every bit of this betrayal. But for Tasha, he would do anything.
He tried to stay detached, to think of Tasha’s face, her smile. But Shyann was good at what she did, and his body betrayed him before his mind could catch up. He felt himself stiffen, trying not to give in to her. He gripped the back of her head, drilling harder in her mouth. He could see her becoming uncomfortable.
She pulled back a little bit, tears forming. “Damn, baby. Slow it down a li’l for me.”
He ignored her, setting a brutal pace, fucking her mouth with a detached fury, using her like the tool she was. His fingers were tangled in her hair, pulling tight enough to make her whimper around him. But Juelz didn’t care. Fuck her. He drove his hips forward, jamming his dick deeper, each thrust was a curse, a punishment. He heard her choke, her nails were digging into his thighs, and a dark part of him was satisfied. When he finally finished, it wasn’t just a release. It was a collapse, a shudder of disgust that started in his bones and worked its way out.
He pulled back, tucking himself back into his jeans with shaky hands.
“That’s it?” she called out from the floor, her voice raspy and triumphant.
He ignored her, turning and walking toward the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He flicked on the light, a cheap ass bulb that buzzed and made everything look sick. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He was sick. His eyes were hollow.
He turned on the shower, turning the knob up to warm. While the water heated up, he stripped off his clothes, letting them drop to the grimy tiled floor. He stepped into the shower, the water dripping down his skin. He leaned his forehead against the wall, the water beating down on his neck and back.
He grabbed the tiny, wrapped bar of soap, ripped it open, and started scrubbing. He washed his every part of him that Shyann violated. He scrubbed his dick until the skin was red, trying to get the phantom feel of her mouth off him. He tilted his head back, letting the water pour into his face, hoping it would flood his lungs and wash him out from the inside. But it didn't work. The smell of her perfume, the motel air freshener, and his own disgust all mixed together, a smell that was stuck in his nose no matter how hard he scrubbed. He was trying to wash off a sin, but the stain was on his soul.
He finally shut the water off and stood there, dripping in the steam. He felt dirtier than when he got in. He grabbed one of the thin towels and dried off, his movements slow and heavy. When he opened the bathroom door, she was on the bed, watching him, wishing this could last forever.
Juelz didn't even acknowledge her. He just walked past her, grabbed his keys, and headed for the door.
“Damn! Bye to you too, nigga.” she called out.
Juelz shook his head, walked out, and didn't look back. He got into his car and slammed the door, the sound echoing the self-loathing that was screaming in his head. He did this to protect Tasha, but all he felt was poisoned.
“I can’t keep doin’ this shit, Mar,” Juelz said, blowing out a long stream of smoke from his blunt. He was at the one place wherehe knew he could finally drop the armor. Whenever he was with the crew, he could let his shoulders drop.
