Finally, the intense churning panic started to abate. I’d known for hours that I needed to go to the hospital. Denial could be an excellent, if totally unhealthy, coping strategy. I kept trying to convince myself maybe it would get better on its own, that the offbeat rhythm of my heart would even out, that the unsettled flutter would calm. Instead, it had only grown worse as the time ticked by. Mostly because I started to panic and that ballooned into an hours-long panic attack that kept me frozen.
When Cole unexpectedly showed up, I’d felt two things at once—relief and more anxiety. I hated anyone seeing how shaken I got about medical stuff. For the most part, I could manage it and keep it at bay. But when things went wrong, I got scared fast.
“How you doing?” Cole’s voice was low, threaded with concern.
I cleared my throat and lifted my eyes to his. That simple glance almost undid me. The look in his eyes—intent, but gentle, so filled with worry—nearly brought tears to mine.
“Well, that anxiety cocktail is doing its job,” I said with a little laugh, blinking fast.
“Good. What can I do to help?”
“What do you mean? You got me here.”
“I know, but we’re about to call your sister. How do you feel about that?”
I glanced toward Holly, who was focused on her laptop, probably pulling up my sister’s number. “It’ll be good. You can meet her over the phone.” I managed a faint smile. I was trying to rally inside, but I was worn down from trying to will myself through a panic attack. I knew better, but then logic wasn’t much help in the face of overwhelming panic.
“Are we ready?” Holly asked, looking up from her screen.
I took a quick breath and nodded. “Yes.”
“I’ve already got a message in to your cardiologist in Anchorage,” Holly added. “She thinks you don’t need to come to Anchorage. She reviewed everything and told me what to monitor. As I’m sure you know, it’s an arrythmia. With your history, that’s not unusual.” Holly’s gaze was steady and warm. “I’m a generalist emergency nurse, not a cardiac expert though, so I wanted to check in with her.”
“I already feel better,” I murmured. “Maybe the panic was the problem.”
Holly shook her head. “Oh, the panic didn’t help, but you needed to come in.” Her gaze shifted toward the monitor.
I refused to look. I knew what the numbers meant now, but when I was a little girl, I didn’t and it had always stressed me out.
A few seconds later, Holly’s face lit up. “Rowan!” she said warmly into the phone. “I’m here with your sister. You’re listed as her emergency contact. She’s stable, but I maybe pressured her a little to call you.” She glanced my way, and I shrugged.
“She says she wants to talk to you,” Holly said, directing her words toward me. “Should I put her on speaker?”
“Go for it,” I said.
A second later, my sister’s voice came through the phone. “Adele? What’s going on?”
“I’m fine.”
“Well, she is now,” Cole chimed in.
“That’s Cole,” I offered.
“Her boyfriend,” Cole clarified.
Haven’s brows lifted at that, but to his credit, he said nothing.
“Holly, have you talked to her cardiologist?” Rowan asked, her tone crisp.
“Already took care of that,” Holly said. “She doesn’t think we need to send Adele to Anchorage. She gave me some benchmarks to monitor.” Holly reeled them off. “Is there anything you want to add to that?”
There was a beat of silence. “I don’t think so. I trust Dr. Marshall completely. What happened, Adele? And…are you sure you want this on speaker?”
“It’s fine,” I said dryly. “It’s a group project at this point.”
Cole reached for my hand again, and for the first time in days, an intense feeling of relief filtered through me, like a warm shaft of sunlight breaking through clouds on a cold and windy afternoon. I was so grateful for him—that he was here with me, that he saw how panicked I was and didn’t let that dissuade him.
“I had a panic attack,” I admitted, “because I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I think it just made everything worse.”
