“I'm not doing anything. I'm just being honest.” But even as I said it, I knew it was bullshit. I was pulling away, putting walls back up, and we both knew it.
“Honest.” He laughed, but the sound was bitter. “You want to talk about honest? You've been showing up for weeks. Coming to my gigs, driving me home, telling me you care. And now that we've actually crossed the line into being physical, suddenly it's too much?”
“That's not what I'm saying?—”
“Then what are you saying, Rook? Because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you were fine with wanting me as long as it stayed theoretical. But now that it's real, you're already looking for the exit.”
“I have a playoff game in a few hours. My head needs to be clear, and right now all I can think about is you and what we just did and how I don't know how to process any of it.”
“So this was a mistake.” He said it flatly, and I could see him closing off in real time. “That's what you're telling me. That sleeping with me was a mistake you're already regretting.”
“I didn't say that.”
“You didn't have to.” He was out of bed and getting dressed now, movements sharp. “You're pulling away. I can feel it. And I get it, Rook. I really do. Message received.”
“That's not fair?—”
“Fair?” He turned to look at me with eyes that were blazing with hurt and fury. “You want to talk about fair? You've seen everything. You know exactly how messy my life is. And you kept showing up anyway. Kept making me believe that maybe you wanted me despite all of it.”
“I do want you?—”
“But not enough to stick around when it gets real.” His voice cracked on the last word, and I saw him fight to pull himself backtogether. “Not enough to deal with the fact that I'm complicated and damaged and probably going to fuck this up eventually.”
“Soren, that's not what I'm saying.” But I could hear how defensive I sounded, how I was reaching for logic instead of honesty. “I just need time to think. To figure out what this means.”
“You've had weeks to think. What you needed was to fuck me first to make sure it was worth the trouble of figuring out.” He crossed his arms and looked at me, and the devastation on his face made my chest feel like it was caving in. “You know what the worst part is? I actually thought you were different. Thought maybe you were the one person who wouldn't bail the second things got complicated.”
“That's not true?—”
“Isn't it?” He laughed, and the sound was hollow. “Well, guess what, Rook? I am chaos. This is what you signed up for when you decided you wanted me.” He moved to the door and held it open. “I think you should go.”
I looked at the open door. At his face. At the careful blank he'd pulled over all that hurt like a blind drawn down.
“Soren—”
“Please.” The word was quiet. Tired in a way the anger hadn't been. “Just go.”
I got dressed. He didn't look at me while I did it, just stood at the door with his eyes on the middle distance, and when I walked past him into the hallway I felt the space he put between us like a physical thing.
The door closed behind me. No slam. Just the soft click of the latch, which was somehow worse.
I stood in the empty corridor for a moment, unable to move in any direction.
Then I walked to my room and sat on the edge of the bed and pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes and tried tobreathe through the self-loathing that was making my chest feel too tight.
He was right. I'd been a hypocrite. I'd asked for honesty and vulnerability and closeness, and the second he'd given it to me, I'd panicked and pulled away. I'd taken what I needed and then made him feel like a mistake, and there was no version of that where I wasn't the problem.
I grabbed my phone and pulled up his contact, fingers hovering over the call button.
What the hell was I supposed to say?
I set the phone down without calling and stared at the ceiling until it was time to get on the bus to the arena.
Game Two was supposedto be about momentum.
We'd taken Game One clean, played smart, executed the systems Coach had drilled into us all season. The series lead was ours to protect and build on, and I'd been in this position before — the team with the advantage, the one that needed to apply pressure and not let the other side breathe. I knew exactly how to be that captain.
Except I couldn't get Soren's face out of my head.
