No.
It’s not fair to force him into this position again. I know what this will cost him, but he has to know it’s not the same. I wish I could tell him how much I want him, how many times I’ve pictured him above me. Admittedly, I never imaginedthesecircumstances, but it doesn’t matter.
If I do nothing, he’s going to give up, and I can’t let him do that.
I cup Nico’s jaw with a shaky hand, then project like I’m performing for the cheap seats.
“You’re wrong about him,” I tell the Game Master, but keep my eyes locked on Nico. “He would never touch me.”
Nico’s eyes search mine.
“I trust you,” I assure him. “I know you’d rather we both die than lay a hand on me.”
He still looks confused. I can’t tell if he understands my meaning.
A roll of duct tape rolls across the floor, coming to a stop against Nico’s leg.
“I’m growing tired of listening to your pet,” the Game Master says.
I snap my head to glare at him. “Watch your mouth when you talk about me, you pencil-dicked pervert.”
Nico moves so slowly, his eyes staying on me as he picks up the roll of tape and gently tears a strip with his teeth. He pinches my chin gently, and I can feel the tremors going through his fingers. I try to ignore the walls pressing closer to me. It’s not plastic. It’s just tape. I’ll still be able to breathe through my nose.
I part my lips, giving him permission.
Nico flattens the tape over my mouth with his palm, holding his entire hand over my jaw for a second before he smooths the creases. The touch is so gentle it makes me ache.
The Game Master’s breathing is shallow and excited. Rage boils inside me. That motherfucker. I didn’t think Alan Morrow was the kind of peeping Tom who’d get off on watching us. Donny’s case file specifically said that Morrow didn’t get sexual pleasure from the murders, but I should’ve expected nothing less from this Big Brotherfuck.
I can see the war happening behind Nico’s eyes. If I could become a sponge and absorb his pain, soak up every ounce of self-hatred radiating off him, and carry it in my own body, I would, but I can’t take this from him, and he’s just going to have to trust me.
I curl my fingers toward my palm.
Confusion pans across Nico’s face for half a second before understanding clicks into place. His hand slides over mine,engulfing my entire fist in his grip, which must look like he’s crushing it. I can barely move my fingers under his strength, but I manage to rub the inside of his palm with my thumb where the Game Master can’t see.
The sharp crack of metal clanging together makes us both flinch. The Game Master has slammed the pole against the door hard enough to leave a dent.
“DO IT!” he roars.
Nico swallows so hard his Adam’s apple bobs, and I watch in real time as his face goes blank. I’ve seen him do this before, and I now know it’s what happens when he pushes himself so far inside his own mind that he becomes an empty shell going through motions, but watching it happen now, knowing I caused it, makes me want to throw up. I hope he’s going to his mountain.
Propping himself up on one arm, he lets go of my hand and drags himself on top of me, pinning me to the concrete with his body weight. He unties my sling with rough hands, then shoves my bandaged arm out of the way.
His eyes are so empty that I hope he’s detached himself from what’s happening. I literally just had the thought that I wanted to give him so many good memories that the bad ones don’t stand a chance. We’re not off to agreatstart, but we don’t have a choice. If we don’t sell this, we’re both dead.
He wrenches the zipper of my jacket down, splitting it to expose my hoodie. He hooks his fingers into my waistband, and I can feel his fingers trembling against my hip bone.
He locks his eyes on mine. I see the question there.
I do a slow blink.
He drags my cargo pants down, but then his fingers hit the jumpsuit I forgot I was wearing. He pauses. I know he’s trying to work out how to strip me just enough to sell this without leaving me bare and freezing on this tile.
But this is taking too long. I glimpse over Nico’s shoulder at the Game Master, who’s watching us through narrowed eyes, and I get a sinking feeling. Nico’s being too gentle. The Game Master will catch on if Nico doesn’t start taking from me, but he’s never going to do it on his own.
Which means I have to push him there.
Fuck I don’t want to do this to him.
