“It got so bad that Donny called me into his office,” Nico presses on. “Said he knew I had feelings for you. I denied it. I lied right to his face because I was so ashamed of what I was feeling. Donny said the things Billy forced me to do don’t define who I am, but how could I believe him when I wasn’t sure how much the possession had changed me?”
Nico breathes a long sigh.
“Then you and Griffin were attacked,” he says. “The fear I felt was so consuming that it scared me almost as much as you being in danger did. All I could focus on was getting to you, and then I got the ectoplasm on me…” I hear him swallow. “I’d been up for hours going over the case because throwing myselfinto work was the only way I could stop thinking about you. I was barely holding myself back from going upstairs and finding you. Then you walked into the kitchen. You weren’t even trying to hide what you were feeling. It was written all over your face—everything you feel is always written all over your face, it’s so fucking cute. I knew you only felt that way because of the ectoplasm, but I was so tired of being cruel to you. So tired of pretending I didn’t care. You asked me if I wanted you, and seven years of control were gone.
“I’d never felt so many things at once,” he says. “But then a memory broke through, and I wasn’t in the kitchen with you anymore. I was—and I couldn’t—I tried to push through. Didn’t want to let Billy take another thing away from me. But then I saw it.” He’s talking faster now, the words pouring out of him. “Blood. Just a smudge in your hairline. Griffin’s. I knew he’d been punching things until his knuckles bled. I knew then you’d gone after him. That he’d be worse at controlling himself than me.” I can only barely see him shake his head, and a hot, suffocating feeling crawls up my neck. “I couldn’t stay there. I was so angry—not at you, never at you—but at myself, for thinking I could have something normal. And above all, I was jealous. I was so jealous of Griffin. How he could touch you without worrying what his hands would do.”
“Griffin and I kissed,” I admit, and I’m glad he can’t see my face in the dark because it has never felt so hot. “I stopped it because he wasn’t you.”
“Oh.” Nico just says that one word, but it’s loaded.
There’s no time to unpack it all before he keeps talking.
“Donny assigned me as your security detail,” he says. “Probably thought throwing us together would force me to deal with my feelings instead of running from them. Marianne had seen inside my head years ago, before I learned how to build walls. I never suspected she’d tell you, but I knew you’d pieceit together after what she said. I was preparing myself for that conversation, but I wasn’t expecting you to askBilly.”
I want to crawl out of my skin.
“I saw an opportunity,” Nico says. “Billy planted just enough doubt in your head. I could see it on your face, and I thought—if I push hard enough right now, she’ll believe that I’m dangerous. She’ll finally stay away.”
I remember with horrible clarity how his face went blank like someone flipped a switch, turning off everything human in his eyes. I’d never seen anyone erase themselves so completely.
“As soon as I left that library, I knew I’d gone too far,” Nico says. “The look on your face… Griffin came to my room and punched me so hard I saw stars. I deserved it. DJ came in after and hugged me. I broke down, crying like a kid, telling her I didn’t know what to do. I kept saying it over and over again.Tell me what to do. I pushed the emotion so far down. I’m the team leader. It’s my responsibility to keep the team functioning and protect every one of you. I couldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way of my job, even though they were. When Donny was taken, I wanted you with me. I told myself it was tactical, but the truth is, I was terrified something would happen to you if you weren’t where I could see you. I was scared of what we’d find. I didn’t trust anyone else to guard you the way I could.
“Then I woke up here and heard your voice,” Nico says, and his voice becomes breathy and light. “Morrow knew about my feelings for you. I don’t know how, but he did. I thought if I could convince you my brain really was broken, you’d do everything to survive, and I could throw the trials. I did tweak my knee when Morrow jumped me—he beat the shit out of me after he knocked you unconscious. But I played the injury up so you’d see a way to win. Tried to be that person who scared you, but when you fell on that glass…” He’s crying so hard he can barely form words.“I don’t understand why you didn’t hate me. You should’ve. You still should. I don’t deserve you seeing good in me.”
“That’s bullshit,” I say. “You had your life stolen and still choose to help people. You fight every single day to be better than what was done to you. Youaregood.”
This only makes him cry harder.
I reach to find his hand, and this time, he lets me take it. Our fingers lace together. I grip so hard I can feel his pulse hammering. My palm is flushed against his like I’m trying to fuse our bones.
“I know we haven’t known each other for long,” he says, words tumbling out so fast they run together. “And that I haven’t let you know me. I went about this all wrong. I understand if this makes you never want to look at me again, but I had to tell you the truth. If this is all I get, if I die in here, I don’t want to spend another second pretending to be anything other than yours.”
It’s as if the words have stolen every molecule of oxygen from the room, leaving me weightless and stunned. Ever since the murders, I’ve felt like an inconvenience, like someone people tolerated because they had to, and here’s Nico telling me he’s mine? My brain keeps trying to find a reason this can’t be real. People don’t just… How can he feel this strongly about me whenIcan barely stand myself half the time?
Something inside me breaks clean open. It feels like he picked up that axe and cleaved my heart right down the middle, letting all the feelings I’ve been shoving down since that night in the kitchen come pouring out. I wanted him so badly then, and I want him now. Knowing he wants me too, in ways I never imagined, floods me with emotion so thick I could choke.
“Nico,” I say.
Tears are streaming down my face, but I can’t wipe them. I won’t let go of him.
“I’m yours, too,” I say. “I have been since the day we met.”
He makes a sound like I just punched all the air out of his lungs.
He told me in the kitchen that if I knew him, I wouldn’t want him. I thought he was just being dramatic, pushing me away, but now I understand. He believes the truth makes him unlovable. I don’t know how, but he believes anyone who gets to know him will see a monster.
“You want to know why I didn’t believe you?” I say. “Because you’re not a monster. Anyone who knows you can see that.”
I want to destroy Billy. Force so much electricity into that containment unit that he gets burned into nonexistence.
I care about Nico so much it physically hurts, and stopping him from crying becomes the most important thing in the world.
Gently, I take my hand out of his. The pain from my glass wound feels far away as I push myself onto my knees. I’m so careful as I straddle his legs, settling my weight onto his thighs. I may not be able to see anything else in the room, but I’m close enough that I can see the outline of him, the shadows of his eyelashes, and the dark shape of his eyebrows. His whole body is tense.
I drag my hand up his shoulder until I reach his face, and brace my hand on his cheek. “You are not a monster.”
Nico drops his head like the words are too heavy for him to carry. I catch his chin, gently guiding his face back up, even though I know he can barely see me.
