I sit with that. Engagement. Huh. That’s not the word I would’ve picked.
“Do you find it hard to navigate?” she asks.
Well, that’s not a simple question. “I can engage with people, I just usually don’t like to.”
She chuckles. “So you like talking to her.”
I look at her, and she holds my gaze, steady. Patient. “I do, but I wonder how long until she realizes I’m operating on a different frequency.”
She looks at me with her head tilted to one side, like she expected me to say that.
“Your other friends have been helpful. Liam right?”
“Yes. A few of the guys on the team know now that I’m seeing you.”
“And do they treat you differently?”
I think about Liam dropping me off for my first appointment, and how he’s checked on me every few days since my diagnosis. Not in the in-your-face way, but a “hey, I’m here if you want” way. The other guys that know are nonchalant about it. Owen asked me questions when I found out, but he hasn’t treated me any differently since I told him, too.
“Can’t say that they do.”
“Okay,” she says, jotting something down. “Then your homework stays the same. Notice your thoughts and any pattern that jumps in front of you. Don’t judge them, sit with them and note them. Tell me about it next week, how you handle them.”
“Got it.”
“And,” she adds, wagging a finger in the air, “don’t try to control the outcome of anything. Practice letting go when you walk away from something, like a dinner out or an event. Let’s work on your overthinking.”
I exhale. “That seems unlikely.”
“That’s why it’s practice,” she says simply. “And why maybe you let one thing this week be unmapped.”
I think about that. “Like, I don’t plan it out?”
“Exactly. One thing needs to be unplanned in your mind.”
“Define ‘one thing,’” I say, bargaining. I’m not sure why, but the new addition to my to-do list is causing mild panic deep inside my chest.
But Dr. Hale’s smile is calm. Unhelpfully calm.
“I think you already know.”
Yeah. I do. And I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
A soft chime sounds from the small speaker on the shelf behind her, signaling our time is over. Dr. Hale glances toward it, then back to me. “Okay,” she says, closing her notebook. “That’s good enough for today.”
I nod once, already moving forward like my body’s been waiting for the release.
“I’ll see you next week?” she asks.
“Sounds good to me. Thank you,” I say, standing.
She smiles, easy and steady. “Have a good week, Ty.”
I grab my keys, push the door open, and step out into the hallway, the quiet of her office giving way to the low hum of the building. By the time I hit the street, the air and space around me starts to feel different. Sharper. Louder.
Alexandria moves around me like it always does. People with places to be. Coffee in hand. Conversations mid-stride. It’s all so…normal.
Sheesh. Must be nice.
