“You’re not gonna tell Arch I saw you in your panties, are you?”
I bark out a cathartic laugh and shake my head. But then I stop and shrug. “Probably. Eventually. But first, I need to punch him in his face and work through some other stuff.” Releasing him, I turn and continue my hunt. “Archer Malone!? I swear to God, you better come out here and face me.”
I trudge through the hall and burst into the kitchen, gulping at the sight of Steve and Mary at the counter. Instead of Steve being relegated to a wheelchair, he and Mary stand side by side, dealing with breakfast dishes and coffee mugs, while across from them, a Malone sits.
But not the Malone I want.
Not the one I need.
“Where is he?” My bravado wanes, and the enthusiasm I came charging out of our room with recedes. Aubree’s words bolstered my confidence, her hand in mine healed a little of the hurt in my heart, but now I’m out here, she’s not touching meanymore, and the memories of my pain this week come crashing back to the forefront of my mind.
Maybe Aubree lied just to make me feel better.
Maybe she was using her magical foo-foo powers to take away some of the pain.
My heart stutters and stalls, thumping in my chest and crushing my lungs within the confines of rejection and loneliness.
“I thought he would be here.” I meet Steve’s eyes, my brows knitted, then Mary’s and her flat, unsmiling lips. I bring my focus back to Tim and stop barely short of whimpering. “Aubree said he was wherever I am, but I’m here, and he’s not. And?—”
He tilts his head toward the back door, a small, forced smile curling up at the side.
I turn from the oldest Malone and lurch toward the door, my knees knocking with every step. My stomach whooshing. Moving onto hot patio tiles, I peek left and study the long glass table, chairs surrounding it to become a uniform line of four on each side. The umbrella, not even open to shield anyone from the sun.
No Archer.
I scour the pool and find the surface completely still. Water glitters in the sunlight like diamonds bouncing into the sky.
Still, no Archer.
“Say Jamaica.” I stumble forward on a pained exhale and close the door at my back. Keep them inside, keep them away, so when I’m slammed with my worst fears a second time in one week, I can experience thatalone. The way it was always meant to be. “Archer?” A single, treacherous tear wells up and sizzlesover my cheek, trailing to the edge of my jaw. But it doesn’t fall. It would rather dangle and shove me another step toward madness. “Archer?”
A shadow falls across the grass about thirty feet beyond the patio tiles, the movement sending my heart into a sprinting, stuttering panic, but when another man—a guard—steps into view, my moment of nerves and the dash of hope playing with my heart turns to sadness.
“Is Archer over there?” I shield my eyes with my hand, raising my voice and searching the guard’s hard expression. “Did you see Archer during your lap around the house?”
“Uh… N-no, Doctor Mayet. I didn’t. Would you like me to find him for you?”
I shake my head, dropping my hand and turning back the way I came. I shuffle toward the pool, loathing the swell of past traumas as they blossom in my belly. Except now, they’re twice as cruel. The weight, twice as heavy. Lowering to the edge, I dip my feet into the chilled water and close my eyes. Even then, the diamond-like spires dance across my face and flash through my vision.
How callous is the universe to allow me a moment of hope, only to slam me with this? How mean and heartless must the world be? I know there’s probably a points system within our existence, one where good deeds earn points, and bad deeds take them away.Mydeeds long ago landed me in the negatives, but I thought… I hoped… for a moment, anyway, that I might receive a little mercy.
“It kills me when you cry.”
I startle, my spine snapping straight and my breath catching in my throat. But I don’t open my eyes. I don’t dare, not evenwhen Archer’s aftershave slides into my lungs. Not even when warmth prickles all along my left side, or when his shoulder brushes mine, or when his feet drop into the water so small waves kiss my calf muscles.
“Do you mind if I sit here?” His voice is husky and sad, crackling and rough. “I know you like the water, so if this is just for you and I’m not welcome, I could?—”
I reach for him, even without looking. I set my hand over his and lock his palm to the pool’s edge. “Please stay. I need you to just…” I feel a second, torturous tear slip onto my cheek. “Just for a minute.”
“Will you open your eyes?” His voice changes direction, so I see him in my mind, leaning forward and looking back at me. “I haven’t seen them in a really,reallylong time. I can’t sleep when we’re apart, because not being able to see your face or tell you goodnight makes it impossible.”
“I think our marriage is dysfunctional.” I draw a shuddering breath, filling my lungs with the one scent in the world that helps me sleep. “What we have is codependency. It’s dangerous, Archer. It’s soul-destroying, and?—”
“The reason for everything I do,” he murmurs. “Loving you is the only reason I’m still here. It’s why I wake up each morning and try so fucking hard to make the world a better place.”
I open my eyes and search for him through the blur of my tears.
“You’re the bravest, surest, most sincere person I’ve ever met in my life.” His voice rasps and crackles, breaking as it peels a strip from my soul. “You know who you are, and you’re not sorry for it. You’re selfless and courageous, and even when youcould loseeverything—your career, your marriage, your life—you would choose loss, for yourself, over ignoring the cries of literally anyone else.”
