“So you can’t have a piece of cake then. Sorry.” I held the cake up and pretend-inspected it, as he jumped up and came over. Stared at me with a cheeky little grin on his face.
“We share. We’re family, so we share.”
“We do,” I agreed, breaking it in half. “But you brush yourteeth after.”
“You dad well good.” He grinned, mouth full of cake. “I like it when you let me be naughty.”
“Not naughty. It’s…fun. Mrs Cook is naughty. She always gives me little treats.”
“Me too.” He laughed.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” I started, feeling that familiar nausea creep back.
“Sure.” He crawled back up on the sofa, cake in hand. I wanted to tell him off, but… Well. I did the same. He made the space, and I filled it. The two of us sat there with a mountain of duvet between us, letting the crumbs spill everywhere. It was late, and I was… I was…
“I spoke to a gentleman at social services today,” I stuttered out.
Crap. Wrong thing to say because now he went all pale.
“No, no, no, not like that. I wanted to find out how I put myself up for being an…adoptive parent.” I was holding my hands out, trying to grasp him. Find his hand and calm him down as he leant back. Pushed his back into the armrest, as far away from me as he could get.
“Who’re you adopting?” he said weakly.
“Well. If I get approved. If…Noah wants to do it as well. It… It’s a long, complicated journey, but if we get approved, then the next step would be to ask…if you wanted us to…be your parents. But we might not get approved. There are so many variables here, and you might change your mind?”
He said nothing. Just sat there and tried to breathe. A half-eaten piece of cake in his hand.
And I lost it. Because this day had been shit, and yet it had been great and I was just exhausted. So I grabbed his arm and manhandled him into my arms, and I hugged the shit out of him and his silly pyjamas, and I kissed his hair and I breathed and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
“I like that you come stay here with me, I actually do. It helps, and it’s… You… We were both lonely, and now we are not and it’s so nice…having you here,” I blurted out an unscripted string of words. “And I think you’re really great, kiddo, and I want us to be a family. I want Noah here, and I want you… I can’t promise you anything because I simply don’t know how this works, and it will take time, Bailey. It will take a long time. But if you want to stick with us, then…I promise you. I will stick with you.”
“Well, you’d better. You’re my dad,” he sniffled into my shirt. “I chose you.”
“I know,” I sniffled back. Fuck. Now I was crying as well. “I choose you too.”
He fell asleep in my arms, and that in itself was another first I ticked off my mental list. If Bailey here was constructing his new life, I was doing the same. One little milestone at a time. So I tucked him in, then crept into my own bed and tried to wind down. Sugar-fuelled and emotional, but in a way…satisfied. Terrified.
Dared I even think it? Happy. I felt so happy. Hopeful and…I lay there, tossed and turned, and I must have fallen asleep at some point, waiting for him to ring. I’d texted that I’d be late in, but… He was on his way. I hoped he meant it, however it looked.
He always rang. I knew he would, and perhaps later than normal, but I couldn’t have been asleep long, but the time on my watch said 1 a.m. And there it was.
“Hey.” I hoped I sounded awake.
“Hey,” he said. Oh. He was driving, going by the distinct sounds, and when the video connected, he was clearly in the car.
“You need to trim that beard.” I laughed. “You look like a Scottish farmer.”
“Maybe I’m about to become one?” He grinned.
“Where are you?” Had to ask. And the seat behind him was stacked with boxes, which made my heart beat faster. Was I dreaming?
“Well. I was going to surprise you, but then I got second thoughts and sent that text, and now I’m exhausted but okay, and I’ve had far too much coffee. I bought a Red Bull earlier, but I haven’t had one since I crammed for exams twenty years ago, so no idea if I should attempt to drink it.”
“Noah.” Teacher mode on. The man was stalling.
“I’m crossing the Scottish border in the next ten minutes. It’s taken much longer than I thought, and Mum and Dad held me up for a bit and made me have dinner, but…it’s…”
“Oh God.”
