“Whatever is troubling you.” She blew on her coffee and took a sip. “Though I can guess.”
“Am I that transparent?” Andshecouldn’t even read his mind.
“Just a little. On this one subject, anyway. You’re feeling guilty.”
“No, I’m—” But he bit off the denial and gave her a narrow-eyed stare.
She lifted one eyebrow and smiled.
“I’m doing the right thing,” he snarled.
But was he? Truth was, he had no clue anymore what was right and wrong. He’d always been so sure.
He took a deep breath. Christa was still watching him expectantly. He wasn’t used to sharing stuff. Certainly not personal stuff, and he had to fight the urge to turn and walk away. Which was what he’d done in the past—he’d never allowed people to get close to him. And he’d never admitted he was lonely.
After all, what was the point? It was the way he’d thought he had to be. And it was way less complicated.
But he was part of something now—he had friends. Sort of. Even if most of those friends didn’t like him very much. And you didn’t walk away from friends just because they didn’t agree with you. He might not know much, but he knew that.
He took another deep breath. “I’ve waited for this moment my whole life. Why can’t she understand that?”
Christa didn’t ask who he was referring to. He reckoned by this point everyone knew his feelings for Kaitlin, and their responses alternated between being amused and feeling sorry for him. He was a figure of pity.
“She’s hurting,” Christa said.
“And she blames me.”
“Are you to blame?”
The question took him by surprise, and he wasn’t sure why. Christa always had a way of cutting through the bullshit to the things that mattered. “For some of it. Not all.”
“And have you told her you’re sorry for the bits that were your fault?” Christa frowned. “For that matter, are you sorry?”
It was his turn to frown. He’d thought so much of how he could have done things differently, but no one could change the past.
Well, if they got the time machine working, they could. Maybe “wouldn’t” was a better word. He wouldn’t have done things differently because at the time, he’d felt like he had no choice.That didn’t mean that with hindsight, he wasn’t sorry for some of the things he had done. Actions that had hurt people he now cared about. He gave a slow nod.
“And have you told Kaitlin that?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Well, maybe it’s time.” She patted his arm. “A simple apology can go a long way in changing a person’s feelings.”
Suddenly he was swamped by a need to do just that. He reached for his phone then stopped. It was the middle of the night, and she’d be sleeping.
“Maybe it’s something you need to do face to face,” Christa said gently. “That way she’ll know you mean it.”
Of course, she was right, but at the same time, he was filled with a sense of urgency; a need to tell her right now. She might still hate him, but at least she would know he was sorry.
“But I’m guessing there’s more,” she said.
He cast her a look and she smiled again. “I might not be telepathic, but I’ve always been good at reading people. And you are not reacting like a man who is doing what he wants to do. You certainly don’t seem excited about going home.”
“Of course, I’m excited.” At least he had been…until that kiss. “I’ve been building up to this as long as I remember. The mission is our purpose in life—the reason we exist.” Or was it? Once again, the doubts were clamoring in his mind. He pushed them down. “Now it’s finally happening.” That eyebrow was raised again, and he snarled, “I’m totally excited.”
“Hmph.”
At her obvious expression of disbelief, he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm his swirling thoughts, and reconcile his conflicting loyalties.
